Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

Bob was driving home after spending a great day on the lake fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home, so he was speeding just a little bit. As he was crossing a bridge, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned Bob to the side of the bridge.
Bob pulled over like a good citizen.

The cop walked up to Bob's car and said "You know how fast you were goin', boy?"

Bob thought for a second and said "Uh, 60?"

"67 MPH, BOY!! 67 MPH in a 55 zone!!!" said the cop.

"If you already knew, why'd you ask me?", Bob snarled back.

Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire, and said, "You don't even look like you have a job!! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"

Bob answered, "Hey, I've got a job . . . a good job!"

The cop leaned in the window, sniffing the foul air, and said, "What kind of a job would a smelly bum like you have?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher!" Bob replied.

"What the hell does a rectum stretcher do, Boy?" asked the cop.

Bob explained, "When someone needs to be stretched, I'm the one who does it. I start with a couple fingers, then a couple more, and then one hand, then both hands. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until the rectum is a full six feet across."

The cop, absorbed with this bizarre image, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"

Bob replied, "I guess you give it a radar gun and stick it on the end of a bridge!"

2007-12-07 19:11:04 · 6 answers · asked by Insomniak 3

They were able to drift onto a sandbar, but were quite stranded.

They could see the shore, but could also see fins of sharks between themselves and the mainland.

The doctor said "I'd try to swin to shore, but if I were to lose my life, the world would suffer a great loss at my death."

The engineer also expressed that to put his valuable skills at risk would be a loss to mankind.

The lawyer said, "Hey, relax guys, I'm all over this." At which time he immediately took off his shirt and his shoes, and jumped into the water and swam the short distance to land.

Within the hour the three men were being rescued. The doctor and the engineer were somewhat ashamed at their lack of courage, but puzzled at the bravado and courage of the lawyer.

Finally the doctor broke the silence and asked the lawyer how he knew the sharks wouldn't eat him.

Without missing a beat, the lawyer snapped back "Oh, that's easy . . . it's just a matter of professional courtesy."

2007-12-07 18:58:09 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

The first person to answer correctly wins. You don't have to have a good explanation or even good spelling/grammar, just get the question right first to win.

2007-12-07 18:41:29 · 12 answers · asked by Matthew V 7

an accident and both die.

Naturally, they appear before the pearly gates in heaven.

In the distance they see a crowd running toward them.

The pope steps forward and holds his head up, and straightens his little lace frock.

As the crowd draws near, the enthusiasm of the throng becomes obvious. Finally the gates open and the multitudes of people rush toward the pope's lawyer and he is swept up onto their shoulders and carried within the gates, down the streets of gold, and as they finally disappear into the distance, the pope walks over to St. Peter who had walked back over to his post beside the gates and sat back down.

The pope says, "I am the pope, you know."

St. Peter says "Yes, you may enter."

The pope continues, "That man was only my lawyer, I am the pope."

St. Peter says, "Yes, I know . . . Popes we have plenty . . .

He was the first lawyer to make it!"

2007-12-07 18:38:43 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Man an Un meeting says something about a Road Map to Peace another man says ''A Kingdom for My Horse'' .

2007-12-07 18:34:26 · 2 answers · asked by darren m 7

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting
nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water
glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the
beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following
note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as
daddy, junior and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

2007-12-07 18:03:20 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy is cleaning out the closet he shares with his lover and on the top shelf he notices a large box. He carefully takes the box down. He notices a sign on top of the box which reads: Do Not Open!

Naturally he was curious so he opens the box and inside he sees $20,000 in cash and three dildos.

Later that evening his lover comes home, and he immediately confronts him about the contents of his box. The lover is upset, but he proceeds, "Why are there three dildos in the box?"

"Every time we had bad sex and I didn't get off, I took a dildo into the bathroom then put it in the box when I was finished" The lover replied.

"Hmm, three dildos, twenty years together, that's not bad," The guy thought. "What's the $20,000 for?," he asked.

"Every time I got a dozen dildos, I sold them."

2007-12-07 18:01:08 · 15 answers · asked by jockman432004 4

and it need not be a question or an answer.So don't play any nonsense.
There's this time when Santa Singh is seated on an intercontinental flight with a sober priest sitting beside him. Presently the stewardess comes and asks Santa what he would like to drink. He chooses a Rum.
When the question is asked to the priest, he violently responds,"I'd rather be loved to death by prostitutes, than touch any vile liquor."
And Santa Singh says,"Wow! I didn't know that option was available," and returned his drink.

2007-12-07 17:59:37 · 8 answers · asked by ven_god_ky 3

Q. - Is it better to be born black or g-a-y?
A. - Black - because you don't have to tell your folks.

2007-12-07 17:56:35 · 15 answers · asked by jockman432004 4

I need some twisted nursery rhymes pleaes

2007-12-07 17:29:44 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

The parts guy is puzzled, "Is that a part number?" he asks.

"No, it's the part that goes right on the front of the engine." she replies.

He responds: "A 710, I don't have a clue what you're talking about."

"It says '710' right on it, it's the first thing you see when you open the hood, it's right there in front, it's on top of the engine." Now she's getting frustrated.

The parts guy is afraid she'll burst into tears so he asks her to show him where it goes on her car.

They go out to her car and she points to an open hole on her engine and says "Right there, it's a rubber cap that says 710 on it, and I must have lost it last time I put OIL in the engine."

The parts guy closes his eyes and tries not to laugh.

Mystery solved.

2007-12-07 16:30:53 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Yeah, I can be deep....

2007-12-07 16:24:22 · 13 answers · asked by xMakavelix 1

Lawyers should never ask grandmas a question if they aren't prepared for the answer .

---------

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.

He approached her and asked; " Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me.

You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.

Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, " Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.

One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said: "If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair ."

2007-12-07 15:48:47 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ella Vader.

2007-12-07 15:47:39 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

He has a nice and a naughty list, but he also has a death list. He writes down anybodies names on the death list. Then, POOF!!!, they will die in 3 seconds. See.One example, he saw three women, and then he said to them "Ho Ho Ho". What more proof than you need people?

Santa= Satan

2007-12-07 15:30:47 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is greater than god
and more evil than the devil?
The poor have it,
The rich need it,
but if you eat it you will die.

2007-12-07 15:07:16 · 17 answers · asked by miranda 1

What two coins equal 30 cents, but one is not a nickel?

2007-12-07 15:07:10 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

are at the gynocologists office. All 3 are pregnant and getting a check up to find out what the sex of there baby is. The Brunette being confident states" I was on the bottom so I'm going to have a boy." The Redhead in suit followed"I was on Top so I'm going to have a girl." All of a sudden the Blonde stars crying....bawling her eyes out... The other two women try to calm her down enough to ask her what the problem is. The looks up with teary eyes and states....." I'M GOING TO HAVE PUPPIES!!!"

2007-12-07 14:55:15 · 5 answers · asked by justinfaucher 2

A blonde was driving home after work and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said... "HEL-LOOOOOOOO ...You gotta roll up the windows!!!

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=At8GpCaX0b6FQWU7ZQyZ9FHty6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20071123111930AA0TZwe
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Aj54d759682iUXofuoYPQSvty6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20071207143328AAN84kT&show=7#profile-info-HW893rhkaa

2007-12-07 14:16:15 · 14 answers · asked by Ory O Oreo 3

Do you want to hear a clean joke?: A woman took a bath
Do you want to hear a dirty joke?: The woman took a bath with a man and a third person came out.

2007-12-07 14:01:02 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said...FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS!

2007-12-07 13:49:54 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man stood on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no cars passed. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop.
The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started slowly. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time before a curve.

The guy gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a cantina and asked for two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same cantina, and one said to the other. "Look Pepe, that's the character who climbed into the car while we were pushing."

2007-12-07 13:47:18 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

One hot July day we found this old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry site. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, and put her in a carrier and took her to the Vet. She had no name so we named her puussy cat. The Vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband, the complainer said "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my hubby El Cheap-O, and my hubby calls him El Take-O.

The next day hubby had an appointment with his Doctor, which is located next door to the Vet. The Doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the Doctor. The door opened and in popped the vet and announces to my hubby, "Your wife's puussy is finally shaved and clean. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she is pregnant. God knows who the father is!" and then he closed the door.

2007-12-07 13:43:50 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

On a Friday afternoon, the seven dwarves went off to work in the mine. Snow White stayed home, and at lunch time she went to the mine to bring them their lunches. when she got there, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in. she got down on her knees and yelled down: "is anyone alive? can anyone hear me?" after a few minutes she heard a faint voice: "Vote for Hillary! Vote for Hillary!" "oh thank goodness" she said to her self, "at least Dopey is still alive"

2007-12-07 13:05:26 · 14 answers · asked by Maggie 3

This is my 2nd contest and the 1st one is still running so feel free to enter. In this challenge you need to list the 10 most random facts about yourself. Winner gets 10 pts. (best answer) So let you randomness shine through!!!!!!!!! ;D

2007-12-07 12:57:56 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

And the guy interviewing him said, "Well you almost have the job, the final test is this. I want you to use the the words green, pink and yellow in a sentence"

Bomba walked away to have a think. He then walks back confidently and says to the bloke interviewing him:
" Well the goes green, green and I pink it up then I say yellow"

Bomba got the job, you've probably talked to him he works for AT@T!

2007-12-07 12:50:18 · 6 answers · asked by Purplecarson 1

A man walks into a bar and orders sunglasses and the bartender says. You cant order those here.



lol. I bet the guy was pissed lollololol

2007-12-07 12:39:05 · 11 answers · asked by Yeppers! 2

whats the difference between britney spears and a barbie doll? A barbie doll has hair!!!
star if u like!!!

2007-12-07 12:36:18 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.

The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal."

"That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car."

"Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."

The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice.

About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?"

"No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."

2007-12-07 11:46:17 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.

Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.

Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.

Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."

Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.

Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat.


Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the psychological boundary between a cut of beef and a hunk of dead cow.

Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.

2007-12-07 11:29:51 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous