Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very
attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars
on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude."

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and
yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up
and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all
the money, the dice, her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally,
one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know I didn't see anything but a
very nice pair of t-ts and a tight little butt... I thought YOU
were watching!"

I was, I was watching the same thing as you.

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

2007-12-08 09:14:39 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

Chinese couple had a black baby, husband didn't believe it was his, why
baby black? He asks his wife, the wife says, "u hot, I hot , baby burn!"

2007-12-08 08:56:42 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

that they will be replacing the cord with a piece of tinsel.this will be for the xmas period only.

2007-12-08 08:23:57 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little boy was learning about God in his church, and he was talking to
his mother about it. She, not wanting to place prejudice in the little
boy's mind, sat him and said: "God is not a man or a woman, and God is not
black or white."
To which the child responded, "Well, then is God Michael Jackson?"

2007-12-08 07:23:20 · 7 answers · asked by OLD ACCOUNT 4

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief had occurred, their sons were probably involved.
They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated himself in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"

2007-12-08 07:20:55 · 20 answers · asked by ? 7

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy." One little boy says "If my friend is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, THAT would be a tragedy."

"No," Clinton says, "That would be an 'accident'."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside...that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a 'great loss'."

The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.

"What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton was blown up by a bomb, that would be a tragedy."

"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident and Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy." One little boy says "If my friend is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, THAT would be a tragedy."

"No," Clinton says, "That would be an 'accident'."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside...that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a 'great loss'."

The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.

"What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton was blown up by a bomb, that would be a tragedy."

"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident and it certainly would be no great loss!"

2007-12-08 07:12:55 · 7 answers · asked by ? 7

walking by a police station where there are plenty of posters of criminals wanted for murder. Santa says,"See Banta, now you can outsource killers and that too at the police station. Imagine!"
They see another big poster of a person which read,"Bihari- wanted for rape".
And Banta says,"Damn. These Biharis get the good jobs."

2007-12-08 07:11:58 · 8 answers · asked by ven_god_ky 3

are told they are being relieved of duty due to defense budget cutbacks, as compensation they can have $10,000 for every inch from one part of their body to another.
The first general says "I'll have from my toes to the top of my head" The medical examiner in charge says "that's 72 inches, so here's $720,000"
The second general says "I'll have from my toes to the tips of my fingers when my arms are over my head." The medical examiner says, "that's 92 inches, so here's $920,000"
The third general says "I'll have from the end of my dick to my balls" The medical examiner says "Ok, drop your trousers and we'll measure the distance"
When the general drops his pants the examiner says "where are your balls?"
The general says" in a paddy field in south Vietnam!!"

2007-12-08 06:44:54 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Are you having a "I hate my job" day? Try this:



On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Johnson and Johnson". Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the material that comes with the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested". Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at the Johnson and Johnson Company."

2007-12-08 06:43:20 · 11 answers · asked by Scooter_The_Squirrels_Wifey 6

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!”

The shopkeeper said, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you’ll luck out and catch yourself a big one!” Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, “Damn it, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”

2007-12-08 06:28:17 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.' 'You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything seems to be OK, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently to you, but your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'
Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, 'You've got £9,000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch.'
The bloke perks up at this.
'So the thing is' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'
So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.
'So' says the doctor 'Have you spoken with your wife?'
'I have.' says the fellow.
'And has she helped you in making the decision?'
'She has' says the bloke.
'And what is it?' asks the doctor...





'We're having a new kitchen

2007-12-08 06:27:31 · 17 answers · asked by chris w. 7

He Ate Very Little, Which Made Him Frail.

He Also Suffered From Bad Breath On This Odd Diet.

This Made Him------------(Oh, this is soo bad------It's good)

Ready?

A Super Calloused Fragile Mystic, Hexed By Halitosis!

2007-12-08 06:23:30 · 6 answers · asked by Moody Red 6

tell me if you think it's funny, or if it's a no-go
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the priest inquired.

“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. ‘Want to have some fun?’”

“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.”

“Thank you!” the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,”Hi, we’re prostitutes, want to have some fun?”

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!”

2007-12-08 06:20:28 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

No Pun In 10 Did!!

2007-12-08 06:11:13 · 10 answers · asked by Moody Red 6

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. The firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into.

The firemen yell to the brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!"

The brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away...the brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the redhead.

"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the redhead.

"No! It's brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with redheads!"

"OK" says the redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.

Finally, the blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!"

"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the blonde.

"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"

"Look," the blonde says, "nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it . . ."

2007-12-08 02:53:37 · 30 answers · asked by Teff 2

It's Where You Get The first letter of each word and then you have to guess it . For Example. A.I.A.M = Away In A Manager
R.T.R.N.R = Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer.
These Are What I Need Help On .
A.F
A.R.'N'.R.C.
I.B.I.F.C

Hope You Can Help x Abi x

2007-12-08 02:38:15 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

oh, so u have to do this outloud, and if u know the answer don't ruin it for anybody pls.

say silk 4 times
spell silk 2 times
say silk 2 times
spell silk 3 times
now what do cows drink?

check back for the answer~


is this a good riddle!

2007-12-08 02:18:25 · 12 answers · asked by ahhh! its a spider!:O 3

Ok so theres this blonde driving down the road, and she looks out into a wheat field and sees a woman sitting there in a row boat. She's furious because she knows that even though the wind makes the wheat look like water, it really isn't. so she pulls over on the side of the road and starts yelling " you idiot! i can't belive that you are doing that! it's blondes like you that makes blondes like me look stupid!! If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!"

2007-12-08 01:46:50 · 68 answers · asked by Maggie 3

I hope you like it. Well, here it is:


The guy approached a beautiful looking woman in a mall and asked, "You know, I've lost my girlfriend here in the mall. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful babe, my girlfriend appears out of nowhere."

2007-12-08 01:21:11 · 5 answers · asked by layanne1 4

2007-12-08 00:40:27 · 12 answers · asked by psychoman420 5

im freaking sick of seeing it... it must be posted like a hundred times a day!!

2007-12-08 00:14:22 · 11 answers · asked by unknownguy033 2

WIFE's DIARY

Sunday night.
I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a
cafe to have coffee. I was shopping with my friends all day
long, so I thought he was upset that I was a bit late, but he
made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go
somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet
and absent. I asked him what was wrong. He said: "Nothing." I asked him if
it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had
nothing to do with me, and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him. He simply smiled
and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know
why he didn't say: "I love u, too."
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted
nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched
TV; he seemed distant and absent.
Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came
to bed.
I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with
the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and
cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm
almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.

HUSBAND's DIARY
Today, Manchester United lost the match. DAMN IT..!!

2007-12-07 23:15:24 · 14 answers · asked by crazy gal 2

A man walks into a mine field. kaboom the man says "Cor i shouldn't of had those baked beans last night"
Basil brush follows the previous man into the mine field. BOOM BOOM "And i shouldn't of ate those brussels for dessert" BOOM BOOM

2007-12-07 23:05:09 · 3 answers · asked by Stephen 3

Good Morning

2007-12-07 22:48:13 · 7 answers · asked by Huh 5

asks for a blonde with brains,they gave him a labrador.

2007-12-07 22:17:01 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-07 20:50:56 · 8 answers · asked by it's me 5

padyy weigh's 20 st so his doc put's him on a diet "i want you to eat regularly for 2 day's,then skip a day repeat this for 2 wk's you should loose 5lb", when paddy returned he shocked the doc by havin lost 4st."that's amazing the doc said".... paddy nodded......" i'll tell you by jesus, i taut i was gonna drop dead by da 3rd day ,"..."what from hunger said the doc?"...no from the f***in skippin!!!!".....

2007-12-07 20:38:15 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two male pensioners visit a brothel. The woman in charge instructs the girls to just take their money and give em a blow up doll each as she didnt think they would notice the difference. Both the men were placed in semi-darkened rooms with blow up dolls.
Afterwards one of the men said to the other "I think my girl was dead, she never moved or moaned the whole time" The second guy said "I think mine was a vampire, I gave her a love bite and she flew out the window!"

2007-12-07 20:36:42 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

To prepare for his big date, a young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool of the trade".

He was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.

The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie.

During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.

The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his johnson immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things!"

2007-12-07 20:34:56 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good looking and athletic; but, the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.
"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if ..."
The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."
The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

2007-12-07 20:09:58 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous