Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first. One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God."

The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love." "Very good," said the teacher.

The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this "Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?"

Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet."

The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!', but fortunately Dad was on top of her holding her down."

2007-12-09 21:12:20 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-09 20:04:31 · 9 answers · asked by Mona M 1

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"

"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.

"What happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."

2007-12-09 18:17:57 · 10 answers · asked by Peace =) 4

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.

The teller said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"



Pls star for others to see, if you thought it was funny, thanks...

2007-12-09 16:44:31 · 16 answers · asked by Hope 6

- You answer the door before people knock.
- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
- You ski uphill.
- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
- You lick your coffeepot clean.
- You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
- You chew on other people's fingernails.
- Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
- You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.
- You can jump-start your car without cables.
- Cocaine is a downer.
- You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
- Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
- You don't sweat, you percolate.
- You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
- You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
- You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
- Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
- You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
- People get dizzy just watching you.
- You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
- The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
- Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
- Instant coffee takes too long.
- When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
- You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
- Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
- You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
- You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.
- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
- You short out motion detectors.
- You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
- You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
- You don't tan, you roast.
- You can't even remember your second cup.
- You help your dog chase its tail.

2007-12-09 16:27:20 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A 5 yr old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,Grandma, how come you dont have a boyfriend?

Grandma replied, Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I am really happy with the TV as my boyfriend. Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she finally started hitting the backside of the TV, hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood a man.
The man said, Hello, son, is your grandma home? The little boy replied, Yeah, but she is in the bedroom banging her boyfriend.

Grandma's minister fainted.

2007-12-09 15:54:22 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

THE ONION AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE

The family is sitting at the dinner table.

The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well son, there's three kinds of
breasts.
In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her
thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions.'

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, 'Mom, how
manytypes of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes
through
three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty
and
hard. In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but
reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.'

'A Christmas tree??'

'Yes dear, d ead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.'

Send it out to all your girlfriends and guy friends who needs a laugh to
brighten up their day !!!

2007-12-09 13:51:34 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

The longest word in the English language is:

methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucyl phenylalanylalanylglutaminylleucyllysylglutamylarginyl lysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolylphenyl alanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisol eucylglutamylglutaminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartyl threonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanylglycylalanylaspartyl alanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenyl alanylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolyl threonylisoleucylglutaminylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucyl arginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylglycylvalylthreonyl prolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamyl methionylleucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysyl histidylprolylthreonylisoleucylprolylisoleucylglycylleucyl leucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylvalylphenyl alanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenyl alanyltyrosylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalyl glycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleucylvalylalanylas

2007-12-09 13:39:58 · 12 answers · asked by otakunerd 4

A woman hurries home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!!!"

The husband says, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the hell out!"

2007-12-09 13:17:09 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok, so this blond walks into an electronics store, she wants to buy a Television. There is a sign on the door that says no blonds aloud, but she goes in anyway. She says to some guy that works there i want to buy a t.v., he says no blonds aloud.
so she dies her hair brown and comes back the next day.

I want to buy a t.v. she says. the shop clerk says no blonds aloud.

so she dies her hair red and comes back the next day. and asks the clerk, can i buy a t.v. he replies no blonds aloud! She asks how did you know i was a blond. the clerk says thats not a t.v. thats a microwave.

2007-12-09 12:59:12 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

i have nothing to say..........

2007-12-09 12:22:24 · 25 answers · asked by Kicko A 1

2007-12-09 12:17:06 · 15 answers · asked by psychoman420 5

Jane takes 8 min to wash the car. Mike can wash the same car in 12 min. How long will it take if the two of them work together?

2007-12-09 12:07:47 · 14 answers · asked by Sellie 2

what came first the chicken or the egg?

2007-12-09 12:06:11 · 15 answers · asked by Ashley10 1

1.) 18 H to a GC
2.) 162 G to a MLBS
3.) 5280 F in a M
4.) 39.37 I to a M
5.) 100 DC is the BP of W
6.) 12 D of JC
7.) 2000 P in a T
8.) 16 O in a P
9.) 5 or 9 D in a ZC

2007-12-09 12:02:19 · 21 answers · asked by Juan C 6

read this but put the word bear in front of it

Bear
Say
@ss
dumb
this
make
can
i
times
many
how
look

now read this going up with out the word bear in front of it.

2007-12-09 11:34:22 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together.

"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready... We can't take you in and we can't send you back...."

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. What d'ya say?"

Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.

However, two days later, St. Peter got a call.

"Pete, Lu. Hey, you gotta come get these three clowns.
This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody,
the Graham guy is saving everybody,
and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."

2007-12-09 11:24:31 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"
Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."
Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told God."If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"
"Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision.
"Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God.
"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.
Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
God said, "That was the screen saver".

2007-12-09 11:21:49 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ok there was this guy name tom at school he always had a very little head and a huge body...

One day I walked up to him and said hey tom why is your head so little?

He said well, one day i met a lady wizard when i was walking down the street,she said i will do any one thing you want just name it

So tom said i want 100 wishes she said no thats against the rules

he said ok i want to have sex with you...she said no I dont have sex with people that I do magic for

So tom said well ok since i cant have sex with you,can I have a little head?

Funny or No?

2007-12-09 11:19:42 · 7 answers · asked by Paul B 2

according to the Alaskan wildlife association, all reindeer grow antlers during the summer. male reindeer lose theirs at the beginning of winter. females keep theirs til spring when they have offspring. therefore, at Christmas time, all of the reindeer from Rudolph to Blitzen are female.

it figures, only females could drive a fat man around all night and not get lost.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!!!

2007-12-09 11:18:22 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

You've probably heard this.....but little johný is clever.......

Little Johnny was heard by his mother reciting his homework: "Two plus two, the son of a ***** is four; four plus four, the son of a ***** is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a *****...'"
"Johnny !" shouted his mother. "Watch your language! You're not allowed to use the swearwords."
"But, Mom," replied the boy, "that's what the teacher taught us, and she said to recite it out loud till we learned it."
Next day Johnny's mother went right into the classroom to complain. "Oh, heavens !" said the teacher. "That's not what I taught them. They're supposed to say, 'Two plus two, the sum of which is four.' "

Star if u think it was funny........LOL:)

2007-12-09 10:59:19 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He proceeded to take out a long-handled brush, dip it into the nearest toilet and scrub the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

2007-12-09 10:57:42 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

my mate Arnold likes a drink so i went round his house. are you coming .he said yer why not wont be long.well i waited 1hr then 2 hrs then 3hrs.i said are you coming or not?he said do you know how long a centipede takes to put his shoes on .Arnold is my mate the centipede.

2007-12-09 10:50:19 · 17 answers · asked by country bumpkin [sheep nurse] 7

"If there are any idiots in the classroom, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

2007-12-09 10:48:03 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man went into the church at Monte Cassino for a confessional with the local priest.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

"Tell me about it, my son."

"Well, during World War II, I took a woman into my house to help her escape from the Nazis...she was Jewish."

"My son, there is nothing to be ashamed of there, you did a good thing, even though she was Jewish."

"That's not all, Father, in exchange for shelter and food she granted me sexual favours...every day....twice on Sundays."

"You were indeed risking your life, my son, and it's understandable, in those unhappy times that you succummed to pleasures of the flesh...I'm sure the Lord will forgive you."

"Thank, you Father....but I have one more question."

"What's that my son?"

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

2007-12-09 10:11:45 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-09 09:36:04 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

THEN LOU CAN DIGEST BOTH MISTLETOE REST HILLS

group and song
clue. They gather no moss!

2007-12-09 09:15:49 · 1 answers · asked by Anonymous

in retaliation against the sudanese goverment, i have renamed my penis mohammed, tonight as a special protest i will be giving him 40 strokes!

2007-12-09 09:09:42 · 13 answers · asked by roger the alien 2

YOUR AGE BY EATING OUT

Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway-but your waiter may know!


YOURE AGE BY DINER & RESTAURANT MATH


This is pretty neat.

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute .
Work this out as you read ..
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to go out to eat.
(more than once but less than 10)

2 Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5


4. Multiply it by 50

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1757 ...
If you haven't, add 1756.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.


You should have a three digit number


The first digit of this was your original number
(I.e, how! Many times you want to go out to restaurants in a week.)

The next two numbers are

YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)

THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2007) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS

2007-12-09 09:06:10 · 25 answers · asked by !@#$%^&*() 4

one night five guys were all gathered in their favorite pub, while they were in the middle of a game of pool, one of the guys walks over to the bartender. the bartender looks at the guy and says can i help you? the man looks at the bartender and says, im in a bettin mood sir how about you? the bartender tells the man that he is likewise in a betting mood. the man picks up an empty shot glass and says to the bartender i bet you $400 dollars that i can put this shot glass on the other side of the bar come back over here and piss in it without spilling a drop. th bartender laughs and agrees with the man... the bet is on... the man walks over to the other side of the bar puts down the shot glass and walks back to the bartender, at this time the man whips out his unit and starts to piss all over the bar floor. the bartender is laughing at the man saying that the man now owes him $400. the man happily pays and starts to laugh himself, what is so funny? the bartender asks the man points to his friends by the pool table. you see those guys over there? i bet each of them $500 that i could piss all over the floor in here without you getting mad!

2007-12-09 08:47:08 · 27 answers · asked by Hey you yeah... you! 1