Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

hide and seek champion 2002,03,04,05,06,07

2007-12-10 10:17:00 · 15 answers · asked by gasgas 3

or a cat bat? or llama lamb? or butter by?
what are you???

2007-12-10 10:06:53 · 4 answers · asked by sara-harvest 1

Three couples exchanged presents for the holidays. Each boy gave a present only to his girlfriend and each girl gave a present only to her boyfriend. The boys' names were Hal, Richard, and Bill. The girls' names were Sheryl, Jan, and Julie. The wrapping papers on the presents were stripes, dotted, red, green, yellow and blue. Using the following clues, determine who gave which present to whom.

1. No person gave a present whose color began with the same letter as his/her name.

2. The jeweler uses blue wrapping paper.

3. Julie gave a present that was not solid colored.

4. The red present that Bill got weighed 5 pounds.

5. Richard bought his present in sporting goods.

6. Jan bought a watch for her friend.

7. The stripes present came from a women's store.

8. The package Jan received matched her green eyes.

9. Hall gave a present wrapped in solid color.

10. Julie's name is longer than her boyfriend's.

Enjoy!

2007-12-10 09:52:34 · 8 answers · asked by Light Up the Sky 1

A man in a disco is looking for the bathroom, but because he is too drunk, he uses the wrong door and finds himself in the womans bathroom. As there is noone there, he thinks it's a good idea to try it there is a difference in the toilets. while he is sitting on the toilet, he sees a button at the wall. on the button he can read "W.W." What could that mean? He doesn't thing too long and pushes the button and warm water is cleaning his a.. The man is very satisfied and tries the next button with a big "W.A" on it, and nice warm air dries his a...
So very excited from those buttons, he tries the last button on which a big "T.R." ist written
and he wakes up in the hospital, totaly confused.
He asks the nurse what happend and she told him :" I'm so sorry for you, you pushed the third button, that was the tampon remover."

2007-12-10 09:51:57 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two honeymooning ducks are in their hotel room, just about to do the wedding night wonder. the male duck exclaims "oh! we have no condoms" and calls room service. " do you have any condoms?" he asks, "yes sir" replies the receptionist, "would you like me to put them on your bill?". "dont be daft!" yells the duck "i'll suffocate!"

2007-12-10 09:42:16 · 13 answers · asked by ܧܨܐܘܛܧܙܒܘܘ 3

Unemployed dog saw an employment add for a clerk

The add read- knowledge of typing, filing and MUST be bilingual

He showed up for the interview

The employer was surprised and said "You can't do those things that are required for this job, you're a dog!!"

So the dog got up and typed fast

Then he started filing

"Well," the employer said shocked, "That's impressive but there is no way you could be bilingual!"


So the dog looked up and said "Meow!!!"

2007-12-10 09:40:45 · 65 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were 3 balloons,
A mother,Father and daughter.
The mother and father decided, it was about time,
their daughter had a room 2 her self.

Wen the mother and father went 2 sleep,
the daughter decided 2 sneak into bed wiv them,
but cudn't fit inbetween them, so she let sum air out of her mother
and then let sum air out of her father,
still unable 2 fit inbetween her parents she decides 2 let sum air out her self.

Wen her father woke in the morning he said he was very disappointed:- "as u let me dwn, u let ur mother dwn, but more importantly u let urself dwn".

2007-12-10 09:22:42 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?" The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours." So the nuns left thinking, "What can I do that's unholy?"
The next day they went to the mother one at a time. The mother said tot he first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?" and the nun said "I stole a kid's bike." The mother said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water. When the nun did she wasn't a nun anymore and she left the convent.

The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!" The mother said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy water."

The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The third nun said proudly, "I pissed in the holy water!"

2007-12-10 09:00:35 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."

So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door. "First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..." So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.

"Ok, now take off my skirt..." and he takes off her skirt. "Now take off my bra..." which he does. "And now, Johnny, please take off my panties." And when Johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"

2007-12-10 08:54:03 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

2007-12-10 08:46:40 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.

"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly.

"All right, buddy. What's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.

"The balcony."

2007-12-10 08:39:08 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

These pick up lines are so nasty, they're insults...


The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.

That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.

I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

I like every bone in your body especially mine.

How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?

Will you be my love buffet so I can lay you out on a table and take anything I want?

Baby I'm like milk, I'll do your body good.

Is that a mirror in your pants because I can see myself in them.

Hey baby lets play army I'll lay down you can blow me up.

If your left is thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas can I visit you in-between the holidays

If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?

You're like a Pringles. Once I pop you, I can't stop you!

I want to kiss you passionately on the lips, and then move up to your belly-button.

Is it hot in here or is it just you?

If you were a car door I would slam you all night long

Baby, your so fine, I want to pour milk all over you and make you part of my complete breakfast.

How about you sit on my lap and we'll straighten things out

If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put U and I together.

Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!

Can I have fries with that shake!

I've got the F, the C, and the K. All I need is U.

You're so sweet you're giving me a toothache.

Hey baby, can I tickle your belly button from the inside?

If I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen.

Hi, I'm new in town. Can I have directions to your house?

Pardon my is there a mirror in your pocket because I can see myself in your pants.

Do you know CPR because you take my breath away.

Your daddy must of been a drug dealer 'cause you're dope.

My face is leaving in 15 minutes...be on it!

I'd look good on you.

When does your centerfold come out.

So do ya wanna see something really swell?

I've got the hot dog and you got the buns.

Is your name Gillette? ...because you're the best a man can get.

Are we near the airport or is that just my heart taking off?

I may not be Fred Flinstone, but I sure can make your bed rock.

You have nice legs. What time do they open?

Do you like Subway? How about my foot long?

Hey that dress looks nice. Can I talk you out of it.

Are those pants from outer space? Cause that a** is out of this world.

You're like a championship bass, I don't know if I should mount you or eat you.

Is your dad a terrorist? Because your the bomb!

Are you a parking ticket cause you have fine written all over you.

If I flip this coin, what are the chances of me getting head tonight?

2007-12-10 08:36:01 · 30 answers · asked by tastybits 7

CAREFULL LADS
A 'heads up' for you guys who, like me, may be regular Lowe's or
Hom Depot customers. During the last month or so I became a victim of a
clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has
turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it
couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-25 year-old girls come over to your
vehicle as you are packing your stuff in. While one helps load your
stuff, the other starts wiping your windshield with a rag and
Windex, and their breasts are almost falling out of their skimpy
tee-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say no thanks and
instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowe's. You agree and
they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one
of them climbs over into the front and starts crawling all over you,
while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,
17th, 20th, & 24th. Also October 1st, 4th, twice on the 10th, three
times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your buds to be careful out there.

2007-12-10 08:30:10 · 25 answers · asked by vlf126 3

The 5th Affair A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

Pls star it you liked it. Thx.

2007-12-10 07:08:30 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man wakes up and sees that his brother is dead. Though they are alone in a quiet room, he immediately realizes that he will be dead soon too. How does he know this?

Why was the man able to pass three cars going 70 miles-per-hour, while he was going only 60 miles-per-hour?

A man was pushed out of an airplane, without a parachute. How was he able to survive?


**Whoever gets ALL 3 gets the 10 pts.**

2007-12-10 06:05:09 · 15 answers · asked by ஜMallymkunஜ 6

Don't have to get real detailed, just enough the rest of us have a chance of remembering it.

2007-12-10 05:50:13 · 5 answers · asked by buster 7

Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed him that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a twelve year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too. Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said..."I too have a problem.
"My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married." She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size winky."
Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching and teasing, holding one another.
As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, "You told me your winky was the size of an infant!

2007-12-10 05:19:05 · 8 answers · asked by peausohleen 2

Anyway, i found this joke!

BEFORE BREAKUP:
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don’t even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Yes!
She: Will you hit me?
He: No way! I’m not such kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.

Now AFTER BREAKUP you can read it from bottom upwards!
LOL.

2007-12-10 05:06:18 · 13 answers · asked by oohay 3

Birthday Suit


A wife was begining to worry about her and her husbands non-existant sex life. So one afternoon the woman decided to ask her friend for some advice on how to put the spark back into her marriage.

Her friend gave her some advice that always worked with her own husband. She told the woman that every day before her husband was due back home from work, she puts on her birthday suit and waits at the top of the stairs for him to arrive. when he does, he sees her and cannot resist her and they have wild passionate sex.

The woman ran home and immediately, put on her birthday suit and waited at the top of the stairs for her husband. Within time her husband arrived through the door, looked at her and said “what on earth are you doing?”

The wife replied “it’s my birthday suit, don’t you like it?”

The husband responded “you could have ironed it first”

2007-12-10 04:59:36 · 18 answers · asked by ~ME~ 1

What starts with 'T', ends with 'T', and is full of 'T'?

What kind of animal you would hate to play cards with?

How many times can you subtract the number 5 from 25?

What is that which goes with a car, comes with a car, is of no use to a car, and yet the car cannot go without it?




Enjoy answering!

2007-12-10 04:27:06 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" Do you remember when I met you and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car, making love?" "Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too" she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out today

2007-12-10 04:24:35 · 3 answers · asked by **mum to a little miracle** 4

Three women all worked in the same office with the same
female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day,
the women decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right
behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how
would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a
little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick
workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her
husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from
inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified
to see her husband in bed with her boss!


Gently she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and
redhead planned to le ave early again, and they asked the blonde if she
was going to go with them.

'No way!' the blonde exclaimed, 'I almost got caught
yesterday

2007-12-10 04:17:55 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy stops to visit his friend, who is paralyzed from the waist down. His friend says, “My feet are cold. Would you get my sneakers for me?”

The guy goes upstairs, and there are his friend’s two gorgeous daughters. He says, “Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to have sex with you.”

The first daughter says, “That’s not true.”

He says, “I’ll prove it.”

He yells down the stairs, “Both of them?”

His friend yells back, “Of course, both of them.”

2007-12-10 04:06:57 · 14 answers · asked by loopy 2

An old man on his deathbed implored his wife, “When I am gone I want you to marry Fred Uhland.”

“Why Fred Uhland?” his wife asked. “You have hated him all of your life!”

“Still do,” gasped the old man.

2007-12-10 04:04:26 · 18 answers · asked by loopy 2

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …" said the old man, and then he stopped.

"Except what?" asked the businessman.

"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said.

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big ******* deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."

The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

The businessman said, "I'll take it!"

The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my *****."

He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my *****!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her *****, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ***!"

2007-12-10 03:56:04 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

i brought wreaths with DAN and DAMIEN written in flowers and used the letters to write NAN ..... and as a bonus, i had enough letters left over to write I AM DEAD down the other side of the coffin

2007-12-10 03:47:36 · 16 answers · asked by shergal farkey 4

mrs smith went to her doctors about her medicines.the doctor looked at all her drugs and said [why do you need the birth pill you are 59?]she said helps me sleep at night.how can that be said the doctor?well you see i take one every night and crush it up and put it in my 16 yr old daughters cocao.thats makes me have good nights sleep.

2007-12-10 03:45:35 · 15 answers · asked by country bumpkin [sheep nurse] 7

she was a strange woman , but you allways knew where you were with her..

2007-12-10 03:44:01 · 18 answers · asked by shergal farkey 4

I,m going to a golf lunch and will be called upon to tell a joke,any ideas!!!short and sweet would be best.

2007-12-10 03:40:39 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you.

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

2007-12-10 03:37:43 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous