Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

So this guy walks into a bar one day Crying and the bartender asks: "Whats Wrong" and the guy says "I just Found Out My Uncles Gay".
So The Next day the guy walks in crying and the bartender askes "Whats Wrong" and thr guy said "I just found out my dads gay."
Then the next day he walks in crying and the bartender askes "Is there anyone in your family that likes girls" and the guy says " Yeah My Mom"

2007-12-11 10:02:16 · 38 answers · asked by Anonymous

Can Chuck Norris escape a black hole? I heard the black hole tries to escape Chuck Norris.

2007-12-11 10:01:38 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

a woman goes to the doctors......

doctor.."sit down, how can i help you?"

woman.." i've got a problem down there?"

doctor.."OK can you tell me?"

woman.."you'd better just look!!"

doctor.."OK get up on the couch and pull down your pants please."

a few seconds later......

doctor ... "GOOD GOD!! you've got a lettuce leaf hanging out of your fanny???????!!!!"

woman..."that's just the tip of the iceburg!!"

2007-12-11 09:44:45 · 29 answers · asked by ? 6

one day bill Clinton was standing next 2 his limo-driver,Bubba, taking a leak. Bill sees the size of bubbas manhood and asks him however did you get it to be that size?! Bubba says well everynite b-4 I go 2 bed I hit it on the bedpost 3 or 4 times. It drives the ladies crazy you should try it. So that nite bill turns out the lite n sneaks over to the bed and starts hitting it on the bedpost when he hears Hillary whisper bubba is that you?

2007-12-11 09:42:12 · 6 answers · asked by lil_fyter 2

2007-12-11 09:29:11 · 11 answers · asked by chickiez10 1

Here is a neat math trick, that may stump you.

Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this one in your Head)

1. Key in the first three digits of your phone number ( NOT the Area code)
2. Multiply by 80
3. Add 1
4. Multiply by 250
5. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
7. Subtract 250
8. Divide number by 2



Do you recognize the answer??




Star if you like it

2007-12-11 09:09:31 · 19 answers · asked by Blow at High Doe 3

When girls don't put out!!
This was written by a guy ... it's pretty damn smart.

Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

2007-12-11 08:56:04 · 21 answers · asked by Fader's Girl 6

"Oh look, I am always sick, I have a cold because I live in the beard of a biker. This guy drives around no matter how cold the weater is."
The other flea says:" Well, I have a wonderful life, I live in the pubic hair of a nice blond lady. It's always nice and warm there."
2 weeks later the fleas met again and the flea had a cold again. The other flea asked :" What happend?"
" You told me how wonderful life can be in the pubic hair of a nice blond woman, so I moved to there. But the next day I found myself in the beard of the biker again."

2007-12-11 08:31:56 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!

2007-12-11 08:27:59 · 17 answers · asked by »iTzxOffishaL« 2

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED

I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car. . .

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, then which one are you?'

. . . and that's when the fight started . .

2007-12-11 08:26:41 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Adam and Eve were wandering through the Garden of Eden one day when God looked down and said, "Okay, kids, I only have a couple of things left here in my bag of goodies. Who wants the ability to urinate standing up?"
To which Eve immediately replied, "I do, God, may I have it?" So God granted her the ability, but Eve saw a look of such utter despair on Adam's face that meant he wanted the ability, that her generous spirit was moved and she said to God, "He may have it if he wants it so much."
So, God gave the ability to Adam instead, and he was so happy that he immediately ran behind a bush and urinated standing up. When he came back, Eve looked at God and said, "Well, do you have anything left for me?" And God looked back in the bag. Looking back at Eve he said, "....All I have left is multiple orgasms."

2007-12-11 08:23:58 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered.

He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her (as all men will.).

Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition." (There are always conditions)

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." (Controlling, huh?)

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said...

2007-12-11 08:22:52 · 7 answers · asked by Stubborn Cat 2

hint:its a joke

2007-12-11 08:11:23 · 11 answers · asked by go_kartkid93 2

The doctor goes home and tells his wife about their new inpatient in the hospital.
his wife says shocked :" Oh my god, and what do you do with him?"
" Well, in the morning we give him a toast, for lunch he gets an omelet and for dinner he gets a pizza."
His wife looks puzzled and says :" And that will heal him???"
"No" answers the doctor to his wife, " but this is the only food we can shuffle through unter the closed door."

2007-12-11 08:10:25 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

What can a blind man See ?
A deaf man hear ?
and
If You eat it You will Die.........?

2007-12-11 07:49:33 · 24 answers · asked by davosharpe 2

Before I was married with my exwife for 10 years and she did'nt get pregnant, and before that I was married for 20 years with another woman, and she never got pregnant. Also my first wife never got pregnant. Now I'm married to a 25 year old lovely woman and she got pregnant. Can you explain that to me?
The doctor says: Imagine you go to the woods with a plastic gun and you point with that plastic gun on a rabbit and you say " Boom Boom" and the rabbit dies. What do you think happend?"
The old guy answered the doctor: " Well, then I would know that someone else would have shot the rabbit"
" you see? You do understand it"

2007-12-11 07:40:31 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-11 07:14:08 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am a protector.
I sit on a bridge.
One person can see right through me, while others wonder what I hide.

I live above a star, and yet I never burn,
I have eleven neighbors, and yet none of them turn,
I am visited in sequence, first, last or in between,
PRS (& sometimes Q) are my initials,
Now, tell me what I mean.

2007-12-11 06:57:15 · 7 answers · asked by Keepin it real 1

2007-12-11 06:53:51 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the
shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
* Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go
back for more.
* Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the
wrong ones.
* Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know
what floor you're on.
* Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After
awhile, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
* Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then
scream, "That's mine!"
* Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
* Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask
if they have an appointment.
* Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.
* Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they
hear something ticking.

* Ask, "Did you feel that?"
* Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
* When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't
panic, they open up again."
* Swat at flies that don't exist.
* Tell people that you can see their aura.
* Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.
* Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut
up, all of you, just shut up!"
* Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask,
Got enough air in there?"
* Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,
without getting off.
* Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror,
"You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
* Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other
passengers.
* Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
* Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
* Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce,
"I have new socks on."

* Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the
other passengers, "This is my personal space!"

2007-12-11 06:52:54 · 10 answers · asked by Innocence 3

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the

Wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed. "

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "sh*t."

2007-12-11 06:41:39 · 5 answers · asked by wna 3

peter pain

2007-12-11 06:21:25 · 25 answers · asked by suet moon 5

Thank to all for your replies. Mr. Pendrey, you went to a lot of trouble I see. I have read more the half of these, and am looking forward to reading the Black House. Please forgive my spellings, at time, my hands tend to faster than my thoughts

2007-12-11 05:25:46 · 7 answers · asked by mx. know it all 7

PLEASE TRY AND SOLVE THIS!

A Man Walks Into A Bar And Orders A Seagull Sandwich, He Takes A Bite, Smiles, And Spits It Out.

Why Does He Smile And Spit?

PLEASE HELP!
And Please Do Not Say: Dunno, Because Thats Stealing Points.

2007-12-11 05:15:59 · 23 answers · asked by gdc3.rocks 3

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband:

"I feel horrible, I look fat, ugly and out of shape. Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies:

"Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

Please star if you think it's funny!

2007-12-11 04:31:24 · 11 answers · asked by Farah 4

George, age 92, and Edith, age 89,
Had been seeing each other for 2 years when they decided that life
Was too short and they might as well be together for
The rest of their lives.

Excited about their decision
To become newlyweds, they went for a stroll to
Discuss the wedding and what plans need to be made.
Along the way, they found themselves in front of a
Drugstore. George said to his bride-to-be, "Let's go in."

I have an idea." They walked to the rear of the
Store and addressed the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?" asked George.

The pharmacist answered, "Yes, sir. How can I help you?"
George: "Do you sell heart medications? "

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

George: "How about support hose for circulation? "

Pharmacist: "Definitely. "

George: "What about medications for rheumatism,
Osteoporosis and arthritis?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

George: "How about waterproof furniture pads and Depends?"

Pharmacist: "Yes sir."

George: "Hearing aids, denture supplies and reading glasses?"

Pharmacist: "Yes."

George: "What about eye drops, sleeping pills,Geritol, Preparation- H and Ex-Lax?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely. "

George: "You sell wheelchairs, walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds and sizes. Why all these questions?"

George smiled, glanced shyly at Edith and replied to
The pharmacist, "We've decided to get married and
We'd like to use your store as our Bridal Registry."

2007-12-11 04:13:10 · 8 answers · asked by Green eyes 1

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 news was now on.
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "fair's fair.
Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money; I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again.
Bob took the money.

2007-12-11 04:08:00 · 10 answers · asked by Green eyes 1

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying Forget YOU!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.

2007-12-11 03:39:45 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman in a hurry to get her daughter to school on time was pulled over for speeding.

The mom smiled at her daughter and said "Don't worry dear! I can get out of this ticket."

The cop approached the car and he asked "Mam do you know why I pulled you over?" With a big smile she replied "Sure you are selling tickets to the policeman's ball."

He then said, "Mam, I am a State Trooper, we don't have balls."


I love this joke.. it's my all time favorite!!!

2007-12-11 03:29:50 · 11 answers · asked by **~lil' miss mommy~** 4

In 1897 Bayer, the maker of aspirin, once marketed what drug?

2007-12-11 03:16:19 · 29 answers · asked by tootie 3