Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

1. Don’t squat with your spurs on.
2. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
3. Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier ‘n puttin it back in.
4. If you’re ridin ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and to make sure it’s still there.
5. If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’somebody else’s dog around.
6. After eatin’ an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along & shot him.... The moral; when you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
7. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
8. There’s two theories to arguin’ with a woman. Neither one works.
9. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
10. Never slap a man who’s chewin’ tobacco.
11. It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
12. Always drink upstream from the herd.
13. When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don’t be surprised if they learn their lesson.
14. When you’re throwin’ your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
16. There are three kinds of men: Those that learn by reading. Those that learn by observation. And the rest of us, that have to pee on the electric fence for ourselves.

2007-12-11 18:50:40 · 23 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

All the things my mother taught me:

My mom taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!".

My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry out."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM - "Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

2007-12-11 18:40:05 · 15 answers · asked by Hope 6

I will seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,





The Flu

2007-12-11 18:31:17 · 18 answers · asked by Dragon Slayer™ 5

a.s h.loes? :))
just read the story :
One day, the organs of human body came together and decided to elect a manager .
The heart said : I must be a manager because I pump the blood to all body and I am vital
"No" said the brain ,, I must be the manager because I have the control on all the nerves and I am the most vital
Stomach stood up and said I must be the manager because I digest the food for you ,, without me ,, you are nothing !
Then ,,
"A.s" stood up ; " I must be the manafer because.." but it could not finish his sentence because all the other organs started to laugh and said ;
" there are more noble organs than you .., you'd better sit down and watch the elections quietly"
"A.s" became very angry and decided to quit from its natural duty..
Soon after, the body became very uncomfortable & dizzy
and they all sat down on their kneels and begged the "a.s"
"please , please start your duty and become our manager"
**
Since then all the as. ho..s become managers

2007-12-11 18:30:31 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions.

On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

2007-12-11 17:59:55 · 5 answers · asked by copper 2

60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.

2007-12-11 17:47:29 · 5 answers · asked by copper 2

A girl walks into a supermarket and buys the following:

1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 apple
1 banana
1 orange
1 grapefruit
1 tomato
1 lettuce
1/2 cabbage
1 baking potato
1 Kraft single
1 samousa
1 vegetable pakora
1 muesli bar
1 pie
1 single serving of cereal
1 single frozen dinner
1 single frozen pizza

The checkout guy looks at her, smiles, and says, \"Single, right?\"
The girl smiles sheepishly and replies, \"Yeah, how did you guess?\"
He says, \"Because you\'re ugly as f*ck.\"

2007-12-11 17:29:27 · 13 answers · asked by Honey 2

Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are
thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention
to every word you say; talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure
of one thing:
Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about
something you say.
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

2007-12-11 17:27:19 · 5 answers · asked by copper 2

FUNERAL PROCESSION:

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, about 200 women were walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

My husband's

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

2007-12-11 17:12:34 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

38, 37, 39, 36, 40, 35, 41, 34, 42

2007-12-11 16:18:21 · 26 answers · asked by CoolChick91 2

2007-12-11 16:12:26 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Who turns out the lights on halloween?

2007-12-11 15:51:50 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

If all snubes were snobs, and all snobes are snoobs, then why don't the snoobs get along with the snobs if they both think the same way as the snobes? but not all snobs are friends with snoobs because the snobes never liked the snorps, by the way the snorps are not related to the snoobs, nor the snobes, but the snobs liked them. If the snobes don't like the snorps, and the snorps didn't like the snobs, then nobody liked anybody's family, until the snobies came along...the snobies were a special family, and started hanging out with the snorps, who didn't like the snobs, because all they wanted to do was snoop. So the snobies thought they were being sort of snooty, and told them to shut up. But then Sally stepped in, and told the snobies not to talk to the snobs, because the snorps don't like the snobes anymore than the snobs like the snobies. So who is talking to who now?

2007-12-11 14:28:41 · 4 answers · asked by Todd G 1

2007-12-11 14:28:21 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

One of his co workers found him in the toilet.He was standing over it stiring it with a long stick.The co-worker asked what he was doing.The pollock replied I lost my jacket down there.The co-worker told him that his jacket was more than likely ruined.The Pollock replied I know that but I left my lunch in one of the pockets.

2007-12-11 14:01:30 · 2 answers · asked by sipppihercoldsaursasaurus 1

2007-12-11 13:59:34 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

bet u cant guess this one

2007-12-11 13:45:11 · 6 answers · asked by vallery 1

My Recreation

My eyes are open
But blind is all that I see.
Walking in an ocean.
Swimming in the sky.
Standing on water.
Sleeping in the clouds.
Why can’t it be so easy.
To let you know.

Step by step.
I really do care.
But sometimes things are difficult.
Step by step.
When on the outside.
It’s a fairytale.
But on the inside it’s an earthquake.
By my side.

Wishing you were here.
Realizing reality.
Things could be worse.
Now they’re getting better.
Being around you.
Has made me see.
I’m now awake seeing everything but
What’s black and white.
Day and night.

Step by step.
I really do care.
But sometimes things are difficult.
Step by Step.
When on the outside.
It’s a fairytale.
But on the inside it’s an earthquake.
By my side.

By my side.
By my side.

By my side.
You stay.
All the way.

2007-12-11 13:26:04 · 2 answers · asked by brittanyy 1

All of the sudden your ex that your still madly in love with forgets to knock on the bathroom door and walks right in... what do you do???

2007-12-11 13:01:44 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

if today was tommorow and yesterday was today then it turns out that today turned out to be last night so its morning tonight but then if yesterday wansnt tonight and tonight was not to be called tommorow so then today is?

2007-12-11 12:15:44 · 31 answers · asked by Jonathan B. 1

he finds the prettiest girl in there and sits next to her n puts a little box on the bar n tells her this is bozo my magic frog. He can pleasure a woman with his tongue.she says I gotta see this so they get a room n the guy takes the frog out of the box n says ok bozo ur up! The frog just sat there. He nudged the frog n says come on bozo! The frog just sat there. Finally the guy picks the frog up n sits him to the side n say ok bozo I'm only gonna show you this one more time!

2007-12-11 12:00:38 · 14 answers · asked by lil_fyter 2

says yes"my husband just not as sexually active as i would like--can you prescribe something that will make him more active"?the doc says"yes but its usually used for dogs only & if he starts taking do not think anything about it if he picks up some of a dog's trait"The lady replied "thats okay doc i really like it doggige style".After abt 6 months she returns for a checkup---The doc says "you are in good shape,your blood work,was just fine,your weight is good you are okay".Then the doc ask "hows your husband"the lady then replied" "havent your heard that my husband was killed"? "NO"! replied the doc"what happen"the lady said "he was sitting in the middle of the road & a car ran over him while he was licking his balls"

2007-12-11 11:22:10 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

I've come across some very dumb questions where I couldn't help but to give a dumb answer.. so whats the dumberst question you've answered and how did you answer it?

2007-12-11 11:15:49 · 20 answers · asked by Common Sense 5

wuts the difference between a gay guy and a refrigerator?
answer: the refrigerator dusnt fart wen u pull out the meat

2007-12-11 11:15:22 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

What should you do?

http://i265.photobucket.com/albums/ii220/zmedo007/dont-take-advice-from-apathetic-mus.png

2007-12-11 11:04:49 · 6 answers · asked by ? 3

2007-12-11 10:49:34 · 7 answers · asked by NIFman 5

A says that B lies
B says that C lies
C says that A and B lie
Who is lying?
Who is telling the truth?

2007-12-11 10:41:27 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A rich lawyer was driving in his beautiful limosine when he saw two guys eating grass. He stopped the car and asked the guys, why they were eating grass.
One of the guys said :" Sir, we are very poor, we have no money, so we eat grass."
The lawyer said : If this is true, I will take you with me to my home and give you something to eat. come with me."
The guys said that they also have women and some children and they are also hungry.
The lawyer smiled and said :" This is no problem, you alle can come to my house, my wife will be very glad to see you there."
So he took all of them in his big limosine.
While they were driving, on of the guys said :" Sir, this is so very kind of you, to help us and our families out. Are you sure your wife will be glad if we come there?"
The lawyer answered :" Of course she will be glad, our lawnmower is broken."

2007-12-11 10:17:16 · 42 answers · asked by Anonymous

but 98% of people try anyway

2007-12-11 10:07:57 · 31 answers · asked by Hannah! <3 2

Say something totally crazy like a purple back gorilla hiking up mount everest with his converse shoes getting muddy on october 22 during the great depression. like that...

2007-12-11 10:05:45 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous