Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

2007-12-07 08:16:15 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

You can live in Pheonix, Arizona where...you are willing to park 3 blocks away just to be in the shade. You can drive 4 hours in one direction and never leave town. You have over 100 recipies for Mexican food. You know that 'dry heat' is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open the over door. The four seasons are tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME???
Or...You can live in New York City where...you think Cental Park is 'nature'. You've worn out your car horn. You think eye contact is aggression.
Or...You can live in the Deep South where...you can rent a movie and buy bait at the same time. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural. "He needed killin" is a valid defense. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean...ect.
Or...You could live in the Mid West where...you've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor. You have to switch from 'heat' to 'a/c'

2007-12-07 08:03:32 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

paw paw says jokes like your like a bull in a china shop when i break something and when i say oh that is so cool he says coll as the other siad of your pillar(pillow) because if you flip your pillow over at night its cooler than the side you are sleeping on
what are these jokes called and wher can i get a list of them (internet site)

2007-12-07 08:01:56 · 7 answers · asked by Allison D 1

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's
office.

After his check up, the doctor called his wife into his
office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very serious disease, combined with horrible stress.

If you don't do the following, your husband can die.

Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.

Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood.

For lunch, fix him a nutritious meal.

For dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him.

Don't burden him with chores.

Don't discuss your stress this will probably make him feel worse.

And most importantly, you must be intimate with your husband everyday of the week.

If you can do this for at least 10 months to a year, I think your
husband will regain his health completely.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did
the doctor say to you?"

"You're going to die."

2007-12-07 07:57:26 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Manitoban decides to go ice fishing one day.

He makes a lunch, grabs his fishing pole, jumps on his snowmobile and heads off across the ice.

He travels quite a ways when suddenly his snowmobile stops running.

He gets off, looks at the snowmobile, knowing he's not a mechanic and won't be able to fix it.

He decides to eat his lunch while he waits for someone to come along to help him.

Sure enough, along comes a Canadian Mountie on a snowmobile.

The Mountie stops, gets off his snowmobile, looks at the
disabled snowmobile and looks at the Manitoban and asks,

"So, did you blow a seal?"

"No", says the Manitoban, wiping the corners of his mouth,

"that's mayonnaise from my sandwich!"

2007-12-07 07:48:00 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little old lady was dragging 2 garbage bags down the road.
One of the bags had a hole and kept dropping bills of money.

A passing policeman notified her, "Ma'am there's money coming out of your bags"

"Oh no!" said the little old lady. "I better go back for e'm. Thanks for the warning young man"

"Now wait a minute." Says the policeman.
"How did you get all that money? Is it Stolen?"

"Oh heavens no!" exclaimed the old woman. "You see, my backyard is just by a football stadium's parking lot. Whenever a member of the audience needs to pee, they just pee in my bushes instead of going to the restrooms!"

"So, whenever someone sticks their willie, I stand besides them with my hedge clippers and say '$20 or it falls off"

The policeman was impressed. "Wow! Thats really clever"
"So is the other bag filled with money too?" He asked

"Well..no" The little old lady explained..
"Not all of them pay.."

2007-12-07 07:29:26 · 12 answers · asked by Tickle me emo 3

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, " I found the remote."

2007-12-07 07:08:26 · 37 answers · asked by Anonymous

What's long and thin, red from within, and god knows how many holes it has been in???

2007-12-07 06:57:31 · 27 answers · asked by julie 6

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? 'You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?'

'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.



'I think you're bad luck... get the f*ck away from me.'

2007-12-07 06:46:18 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

a guy n a girl are at a yard sale. she finds a beautiful mirror and goes to the seller to find out how much it costs. "100 dollars" the seller says. "no way why" asks the lady. "its a magic mirror" he explains" go home n hang it on your door and make a wish" they agree n take the mirror home. they hang it and agree the girl makes her wish 1st mirror mirror on the door she says make my boobs a 44 and poof she had big ones. the guy couldnt wait he pushes her out of the way and yells mirror mirror on the door make my ding-ding touch the floor and POOF his legs fell off!!!

2007-12-07 06:05:38 · 9 answers · asked by lil_fyter 2

>>A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll
take
>> to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
>>The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
>>"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

2007-12-07 05:58:10 · 17 answers · asked by Thomas F 2

A guy walks into a bar...






OWWW!!!!

2007-12-07 05:50:21 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!

If you are 30 or older you will think this is
hilarious!!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears
with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were
when they were growing up; what with walking
twenty-five miles to school every morning ... uphill
BOTH ways

yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,
there was no way in hell I was going to lay
a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it
and how easy they've got it!
But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of
thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the
youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my
childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you
don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The
Internet . If we wanted to know something,
we had to go to the damn library and
look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write
somebody a letter ..with a pen!
Then you had to walk all the way across the
street and put it in the
mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to
steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the
beginning and @#*% it all up!
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you
were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either!
When the phone rang, you
had no idea who it was! It could be your school,
your mom, your boss, your
bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you
just didn't know!!! You had
to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video
games with high-resolution
3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games
like "Space Invaders" and
"asteroids". Your guy was a little square! You
actually had to use your
imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or
screens, it was just one screen
forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting
harder and harder and
faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such
thing as stadium seating!
All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy
or some old broad with a hat
sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were
just screwed!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that
was only like 15 channels
and there was no on screen menu and no remote
control! You had to use a
little book called a TV Guide to find out what was
on! You were screwed when it
came to channel surfing! You had to get off
your *** and walk over to the TV to change the
channel and there was no
Cartoon Network either! You cou ld only get cartoons
on Saturday Morning. Do you
hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK
for cartoons, you spoiled
little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat
something up we had to
use the stove or go build a frigging fire ..
imagine that! If we wanted
popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing
and shake it over the stove
forever like an idiot.

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids
today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted
five minutes back in 1980!

Regards,
The over 30 Crowd

2007-12-07 05:42:42 · 19 answers · asked by ♦♦pixiechix♦♦ 5

Two crisps have been shopping and are carrying large bags up the hill, a car stops and asks them if they would like a lift.

"no thanks " said the crisps " we're walkers"

2007-12-07 05:37:43 · 29 answers · asked by Dee L 5

According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria,
BC recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

2007-12-07 05:17:47 · 8 answers · asked by ~ME~ 1

do you think red heads have more of a temper that blonds and other colors?

2007-12-07 05:07:26 · 4 answers · asked by ~ME~ 1

Norm had been in the liquor business for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys
50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."
"Great", says Norm, "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you, be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem," says Norm. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"
"Now that's really not a problem," says Norm, warming to the idea. I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there."
"By the way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

2007-12-07 04:44:06 · 15 answers · asked by Oz 7

i've already posted it but it' to funny!

wha did miley cyrus ask santa for?


TALENT!
lol!!

2007-12-07 04:41:42 · 24 answers · asked by ☆☃❀ ~♥~♪ tigger bitten ♪~♥~ ❀☃☆ 4

I woke up, terrified of the morning call. Looking around, I could see the vast clearing with the array of colors and brothering. I strode towards the long pole and started to climb. I reached out and swung from green to green, with my cyan eyes glowing all the way through. I climbed back down the other pole and walked. I look at the position of the sun... Lunch! :) I ran up a pole and ripped off anything off the tree and started to chew it.


At the end of the day, i snuggled up in a nice leaf and fell asleep...

But what animal am I?

2007-12-07 04:37:42 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Without messing up !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL TRY IT

2007-12-07 04:29:50 · 2 answers · asked by Nahji 1

A lady plants a garden in the spring with a lot of hard work. By August her tomatoes are still green, so she notices that her neighbor has real red tomatoes, she asks him what his secret is. Well he says, what I do is take off all my clothes, put on a raincoat and then I open up the raincoat and flash the tomatoes, thet get red from embarassment! WHAT, so she figures, oh well I'll give it a try. So she takes off all her clothes and puts on the raincoat, goes outside and flashed the tomatoes. A week later her neighbor asks her, did you do as I said, she says yes, but the tomatoes are still green, thats to bad he say, oh thats OK, you should see the size of my cucumbers!!

2007-12-07 04:15:53 · 7 answers · asked by Jake5282 3

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.

Finally he went to the check-out line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time."

"That's a shame," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!'? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. So, when the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"

As he stepped up to the check-out counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

The clerk replied, "Your mother said that you would pay for her."

2007-12-07 03:59:47 · 24 answers · asked by puma 4

BOOBS VS WILLIES
Body: A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how
many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through
three phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and
firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but
hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions".
"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mom,
how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes
through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak
tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch,
flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas
tree".

"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for
decoration."

2007-12-07 03:56:40 · 8 answers · asked by anonymous 4

http://gorillamask.net/merryfuckingchristmas.shtml

2007-12-07 03:28:38 · 19 answers · asked by tinkerbell 7

One night, a man and his lady friend were about to enter his apartment, when, before he could open the door, she said, “Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door.”

The man says, “Well, give me some examples.”

The lady explains, “Well, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me. If a man fumbles around and can’t seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced, and that isn’t for me either.” Then she said, “How do you unlock your door?”

The man answered, “Well, before I do anything else, I lick the lock…”

2007-12-07 03:24:20 · 15 answers · asked by angel2005_2001 5

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, “Ya know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I’m gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn’t get pregnant again.”

Luther asks Billy Bob, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?”

Billy Bob says, “This year I'm taking Earlene with me.”

2007-12-07 03:13:55 · 6 answers · asked by angel2005_2001 5

Pennsylvania State Trooper

A Pennsylvania State Trooper pulled a car over on I-81 about 2 miles north of the PA/MD state line. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Harrisburg to do a show that night at the Zembo Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them, and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take my *** to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

2007-12-07 03:12:14 · 6 answers · asked by angel2005_2001 5

The police department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken aback by a recent incident. Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a BLIND policeman!"

2007-12-07 03:10:34 · 8 answers · asked by angel2005_2001 5

2007-12-07 02:52:13 · 10 answers · asked by Happy 1

A vampire goes to a bar and asks the barman:'Do you have a glass of boiled water?' He says yes and he gives him one..then the vampire takes out a pad and says:'Its tea time'
??????

2007-12-07 02:16:58 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous