Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

u can also put funny things that happened in your life or something embarissing.

2007-02-04 14:14:52 · 6 answers · asked by betty boop 3

10 Way to know if you have PMS


10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving - call 1-800-***-****."
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You're counting down the days until menopause.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The Motrin bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

2007-02-04 14:07:52 · 9 answers · asked by ? 3

There is going to be a horror sequel to Chicken Run?
it is going to be titled : "POULTRY GEIST"

2007-02-04 14:05:42 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-04 14:00:27 · 9 answers · asked by lomio_lan 1

A Cajun named Jean Paul moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer rove up and said, "Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died."

"Well then, just give me my money back."

"Cain't do that. I went and spent it already."

"OK then, just unload the donkey."

"What ya gonna do with em."

"I'm gonna raffle him off."

"Ya cain't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with the dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece and made a profit of $898.00."

"Didn't no one complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back."

2007-02-04 13:59:34 · 6 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

There was a man who killed his mother and was born before his father , but everyone that knew him considered him normal, why?

2007-02-04 13:58:17 · 6 answers · asked by pollywollydoda 3

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

2007-02-04 13:58:05 · 4 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

A woman goes into the vet's office with a duck in her arms, she tells the vet that something is wrong with it and it won't move. The vet tells her that it is dead, she cries are you sure? can't you do something? So the vet leaves the room for a moment and comes back with a big dog, the dog sniffs the duck and looks at the vet and shakes his head. The woman not convinced asks for more tests, so again the vet leaves and comes back, this time with a Siamease, He sniffs the duck, and looks at the doc, and shakes his head. The vet says to lady I am sorry but your duck is dead. The woman prepares to leave when the vet gives her a bill for $2000.00 . "$2000.00 ?" she screams " You are charging me $2000.00 to tell me my duck is dead?"
"Well," the vet answered " There would have been no charge, but we have to charge for lab tests and cat scans."

2007-02-04 13:53:46 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

If a smart blonde and a superhero and a black fat guy run a race who will win?

The fat black guy because there is no such thing as a smart blonde or a superhero!

2007-02-04 13:53:02 · 6 answers · asked by Green means go ;] 2

BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida????? CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"HOW DO YOU KILL A BLONDE?
Give her a gun and tell her it's a hairdyer!

2007-02-04 13:47:38 · 5 answers · asked by Green means go ;] 2

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ***.

Friendship is like pissing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.

2007-02-04 13:17:14 · 8 answers · asked by undeniablesmile 2

A mathematics professor sent a fax to his wife. It read:

Dear Wife,
I am going to sleep with my saucy intern 18-year-old Ms. Alini, tonight. I hope this does not make you mad at all.

When his wife recieved what her 54-year-old husband sent to her, she was furious! The 54-year-old wife sent a husband that read:

Dear Idiotic Husband of Mine,
I am okay with you and Ms. Alini. Don't expect me to be home when you are. I am going to the hotel and having sex with the 18-year-old lifeguard, Joe. And being the Math genius you are you should know that 18 goes into 54 easier than 54 goes into 18

2007-02-04 13:09:59 · 9 answers · asked by Grammar B*@%h 4

A man and a woman, who was blonde and beautiful, were sleeping with each. The man then murmurs, "You are so beautiful, your beauty is a gift from god."
"Indeed it is. But whenever god gives you a good trait, he also gives you a bad trait. He gave me good looks to attract a lot of men, but he also gave me stupidity to marry an ugly one."

2007-02-04 13:02:21 · 7 answers · asked by Grammar B*@%h 4

Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address: A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived
Date: April 6, 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!

2007-02-04 12:57:31 · 17 answers · asked by mysweetest666 1

2007-02-04 12:48:15 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

alright i know you have to put a period then type in the answer, but what if the answer isnt as long as the petition??...whoever tells me the most they know about the whole thing, get 10 points in three hours promise!!

2007-02-04 12:47:19 · 3 answers · asked by ? 3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TDSdcxzz6uE

I don't know what they're saying, but it's really funny!!!!

2007-02-04 12:39:43 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

1970 and year 2000.


Isn't this the truth!...

1970: Long Hair
2000: Longing for hair

1970: The perfect high.
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund.

1970: Keg.
2000: EKG.

1970: Acid Rock.
2000: Acid Reflux.

1970: Moving to California because it's cool.
2000: Moving to California because it's warm.

1970: Growing pot.
2000: Growing pot belly.

1970: Douglas Street bridge.
2000: Dental bridge.

1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.

1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

1970: Seeds and stems.
2000: Roughage.

1970: Popping pills, smoking joints.
2000: Popping joints.

1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
2000: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

1970: Paar.
2000: AARP.

1970: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
2000: Being caught with Hustler magazine.

1970: Killer weed.
2000: Weed killer.

1970: Hoping for a BMW.
2000: Hoping for a BM.

1970: The Grateful Dead.
2000: Dr. Kevorkian.

1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
2000: Getting a new hip joint.

1970: Rolling Stones.
2000: Kidney stones.

1970: Being called into the principal's office.
2000: Calling the principal's office.

1970: Screw the system!
2000: Upgrade the system.

1970: Peace sign.
2000: Mercedes logo.

1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

1970: Take acid.
2000: Take antacid.

1970: Passing the driver's test.
2000: Passing the vision test.

1970: "Whatever"
2000: "Depends

2007-02-04 12:32:05 · 5 answers · asked by ? 3

'Breviated Medicul Dickshunnary!


adenoids.....(n) Space critters whut are keepin' Elvis alive on Pluto
anasthesia...(n) Rushun princess y'all red 'bout in skool.
antacid......(n) aloosinagenic drugs uzed by itty bitty bugz.
bowel........(n) A alfabit letter lyke A, E, I, O, or U or why?
bronchitis...(n) dinosour frum the plastikseen age; extinked.
catscan......(v) lukin' fer hookers (don y'all do this)
cauterize....(v) makin' eye contak with a hooker (berry dangerous)
d & c........(n) Warshingtun; whar the weirdos, purvurts, & kongress type peepul live.
emema........(n) sumone who ain't never no frend no how
fester.......(n) yer unkles name (mos likelee)
genital......(n) head of a army, fer sample, Genital Robert E. Lee
heart........(v) when u cauz pain to some1
hypodermic...(n) huge, big, fat zoo crittur; mostly live in de woter
mamogram.....(n) short note sent 2 yer ma er other female
papsmear.....(v) when peepul sez veri ugli things bout yer pappy
recovery.....(n) place wear yew fix up yer fernitur
rectum.......(v) whut happenz when yew drive yer pick up truck drunk
seizure......(n) Emperore of Rome.
series.......(n) tv continuin show, fer sample, Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.
testicles....(n) books of the Bible
tumor........(n) how many beers yew can drink after last call
urine........(v) xact oppisyte of yerrout

2007-02-04 12:29:40 · 3 answers · asked by ? 3

A Brunette and a Blonde are walking through the mall. The Brunette says "My God I hope my boyfriend is not in that florist shop buying me flowers." "Why not?" asks the Blonde. "Because every time he buys me flowers, I spend the next week with my legs in the air", says the Brunette. "Why is that", asks the Blonde, don't you have any vases?"

2007-02-04 12:25:54 · 13 answers · asked by I see dumb people 5

back in 1995 i went over to my neighbors house. She was a blonde and for some reason she was mad at the world. She was in the bathroom and the door was locked. I said, "Come on, you know you don't want to do this!" She said, "I damn well do wanna do this, nobody wants me alive anyways." For some reason i actually beleived her and pushed through the door. She had a rope tied to her ankles. I asked "Aren't you trying to hang yourself?"

"Yes, whats your point?"

"Well, usually when people hang themselves they tie the rope around their necks"

"Yeah well, I tried that, But then i couldnt breathe."

2007-02-04 12:16:28 · 15 answers · asked by ilikepink29@sbcglobal.net 2

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mums and their kids.
"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said "Your obsession is with eating; you've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mum and tells her "You are money-obsessed as shown by your child's name, Penny."
He tells the third "You're obsessed with alcohol. You've named your girl Brandy."
At this point the fourth mother gets up hurriedly, grabs her little boy by the hand and whispers "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

2007-02-04 12:12:35 · 5 answers · asked by boricua(787) 3

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

2007-02-04 12:05:50 · 17 answers · asked by ilikepink29@sbcglobal.net 2

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

2007-02-04 11:51:09 · 16 answers · asked by ilikepink29@sbcglobal.net 2

kevin bloody wilson or roy chubby brown ?

2007-02-04 11:47:28 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

i was asked what would i buy my girlfriend?
i said a pair of slippers and a vibrator.
if she don't like the slippers go screw herself
was i wrong ?

2007-02-04 11:40:32 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

blonde goes to the bar orders 6 drinks for her and her mates ,the barman sees her struggling and asks would you like a tray,,the blonde replies dont you think i have enough to carry

2007-02-04 11:36:48 · 20 answers · asked by wheels on the boat!!!!!11 1

2007-02-04 11:33:10 · 11 answers · asked by RRRRRRRR 3

The Patriots.

2007-02-04 11:20:21 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

what did adam wear??

2007-02-04 11:17:43 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous