Jokes & Riddles - June 2006

2006-06-10 16:20:25 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

I have no brothers or sisters, but his father is my father's son. Who am I talking about?

2006-06-10 16:12:35 · 20 answers · asked by รкเttlєร 3

Management LEsson:

Boss: Let me F*ck you, just once, i'll be quick, i'll pay u 1000$, i'll throw the money on the floor, and before you bend down and pick it up, i'll be done!

Girl likes the proposal and calls her Boy Friend,
Boy friend: It's ok, ask for 2000$ and be quick to pick up the money!

After 4 hours, bf calls his gf

Bf: What happ?
Gf: That bastard used coins!!!!!!!

Lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before getting F*ucked!!!!

Hey I borrowed this from another user..The Guru..I liked it so..i am spreading it...lol

2006-06-10 16:08:34 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

RAISING BOYS:
a. For those with no children - this is totally hysterical! b. For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. c. For those who have children this age, this is not funny. d. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. e. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
the Facts:
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house
4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 x 20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a
4 year old boy.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

2006-06-10 16:03:39 · 15 answers · asked by Clyde 5

2006-06-10 15:04:55 · 17 answers · asked by jennycoolio7 1

IMPORTANCE OF WALKING


I LIKE THIS ONE, ESPECIALLY THE FIRST SENTENCE
-----Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass

2006-06-10 15:00:13 · 11 answers · asked by Clyde 5

she sat down at the bar and the bartender came over.
He said, "Sorry, but we don't serve pigs here."
The lady said, "This is not a pig, it's a duck."
The bartender responded, "I was talking to the duck."

2006-06-10 14:51:25 · 23 answers · asked by opjames 4

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East
River.

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only
one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this
plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a
real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or
something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if
she were a garbage truck backing up.

26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any
pH cleanser.

27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to
the wall.

2006-06-10 14:30:53 · 7 answers · asked by Clyde 5

2006-06-10 14:29:32 · 24 answers · asked by HappyGoLucki 2

Would you eat the light meat or the dark meat?

2006-06-10 14:21:24 · 6 answers · asked by 42ITUS™ 7

these are the real deal originating from actual high school essays. a dark and stormy night......


1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides
gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy
who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high
schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of Ecoli and he was
room-temperature Canadian Ham.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because
of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a
formerly surcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled
with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy
comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19
p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

2006-06-10 14:18:09 · 8 answers · asked by Clyde 5

2006-06-10 14:15:47 · 25 answers · asked by HappyGoLucki 2

Explain your answer please:)

2006-06-10 14:14:07 · 10 answers · asked by HappyGoLucki 2

2006-06-10 14:14:06 · 8 answers · asked by jennycoolio7 1

2006-06-10 14:13:38 · 15 answers · asked by David 1

2006-06-10 14:09:36 · 17 answers · asked by Felicia Fox 6

2006-06-10 14:02:44 · 27 answers · asked by Feroz Ali S 1

Yes. Please hook me up with some funny Jokes.

2006-06-10 14:00:11 · 4 answers · asked by Hollianne 1

your mamas so fat, she was walking down the road and i swerved to miss her, and ran out of gas.

2006-06-10 13:49:04 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-06-10 13:48:11 · 16 answers · asked by Felicia Fox 6

There is a breed of penguin on the Paulo Islands in the Atlantic Ocean which are actually all white.

The picture in the link has between 8 and 15 penguins. Can you tell me exact count?

http://www.richstevens.com/naked.swf

2006-06-10 13:46:51 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-06-10 13:13:41 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-06-10 13:01:39 · 8 answers · asked by winterwillow2000 3

2006-06-10 12:20:55 · 48 answers · asked by Felicia Fox 6

2006-06-10 12:19:27 · 21 answers · asked by Felicia Fox 6

2006-06-10 11:55:22 · 7 answers · asked by monev_v 1

ok tell me the best and most comical (yet adequately stinging) insults you have ever said or heard.

2006-06-10 11:53:31 · 7 answers · asked by Cyndaly 3

1)If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?

2)What's the opposite of opposite?

3)Why do they call it your "bottom", when it's really in the middle of your body?

4)Why do we say "bye bye" but not "hi hi"?

5)Why did Superman wear his briefs on the outside of his tights?

6)How come wine and hard liquor doesn't come in cans, but beer does?

7)Why are boxing rings square?

8)Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?

2006-06-10 11:51:41 · 13 answers · asked by bingo123 1

2006-06-10 11:44:34 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

I love animals, they taste great.

EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

2006-06-10 11:34:51 · 17 answers · asked by Aaron 1