Jokes & Riddles - June 2006

He tells the bartender, "I have trained my dog to perform oral on anyone I tell him to." The bartender says, "Naw, you are lying. I don't believe it." The says, "Ok, I'll prove it to you. Drop your pants."
The bartender does as he is told. "Ok, Fido", the man says, "Go!"
The dog just sits there. "Go Fido, GO" The dog just sits there.
"Ok, Fido, but this is the last time I'm gonna show you how."

2006-06-10 19:37:01 · 9 answers · asked by opjames 4

2006-06-10 19:35:30 · 7 answers · asked by la la la <33 2

she
came
at
nyt

explored
my
body
got
on
top
of
me



touched
me

she
bit


suck'd


swalowd


wen
she
was
satisfyd

she
left


i
was
hurt.























STUPID MOSQUITO!!!!!

2006-06-10 19:30:25 · 12 answers · asked by Count D 2

2006-06-10 19:24:23 · 9 answers · asked by Count D 2

Mystery 3
Old Mr. Tidy was found dead in his study by Mr. Fiend.
Mr. Fiend recounted his dismal discovery to the police.

"I was walking by Mr. Tidy's house when I thought I would just pop in for a visit. I noticed his study light was on and I decided to peek in from the outside to see if he was in there.

There was frost on the window, so I had to wipe it away to see inside. That is when I saw his body. So I kicked in the front door to confirm my suspicions of foul play.

I called the police immediately afterward."

The officer immediately arrested Mr. Fiend for the murder of
Mr. Tidy. How did he know Mr. Fiend was lying?

2006-06-10 19:19:32 · 8 answers · asked by itsmeee2006 6

A thief tells his friends that he's stolen "La Giaconda" from the Louvre. He's an employee there and one night while rolling up the dirty rugs he slipped the famous painting into one of the rugs and smuggled it out.
He says that he can sell it in Australia but needs $50,000.00 to finance the deal. They all jump on the oportunity but one guy says,"Wait! It's a hoax!"
What tipped him off?

2006-06-10 19:04:52 · 7 answers · asked by Norman Conquest 3

2006-06-10 18:50:27 · 19 answers · asked by supremeflournoy 2

A guy runs to his friend and says theres a guy who can guess your genology, you give him money and he tells you who your ancestors are! oh really his friend says, Yes he took one look @ you and said you were related to sherlock Holmes, she said don't give him any money hes a fraud,

How does she know?

2006-06-10 18:45:22 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-06-10 18:42:14 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two flies were on a pile of $hit.
fly 1: I feel like farting
fly 2: Don't be rude, we're eating.

2006-06-10 18:40:09 · 11 answers · asked by joann_xvi 4

Cannibals captured three men who were lost in the forest. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."

The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"

2006-06-10 18:34:32 · 7 answers · asked by joann_xvi 4

For instance your eyes? What if you get to heaven and you can't see anything because you were supposed to keep your original parts? Or your lungs, you're there in heaven for like what a few minutes before you suffocate?

2006-06-10 18:29:13 · 10 answers · asked by mchlmybelle 6

A theif bragged to his friends that he'd stolen the famous painting of Whistler's Mother from the Metropolitan Museum of Art where it was being exhibited. His friends laughed and called him a liar when he said, "Go to the museum and see if the painting of Whistler's Mother is on the registry of exhibits."
They went and it was not on the registry. But one of them said. " That doesn't prove anything because...................

Why was he so sure?

2006-06-10 18:24:39 · 11 answers · asked by Norman Conquest 3

I young female teacher was giving an assignment to her sixth grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly, there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Patrick?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yelled, "I don't want to see you for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reached to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student.

She quickly turns and asked, "What's so funny Billy?"

"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yelled, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe. I don't want to see you for three weeks."

Embarrassed and frustrated, she dropped the eraser when she turned around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there was

2006-06-10 18:24:03 · 6 answers · asked by joann_xvi 4

An eight-year-old boy was charged with the rape of a grown woman, and though the crime seemed highly improbable, the state's evidence was overwhelming.

As a last, desperate move, the defense counsel came over to the witness stand, pulled down the client's pants, and grabbed the boy's tiny penis for all to see.

"Ladies and gentlemen," the lawyer cried, turning toward the jury box, "surely you cannot believe that such a small, still undeveloped organ is sexually mature?"

Growing more agitated he went on, "How could this miniature member be capable even of erection, let alone the rape of a fully grown woman-"

"WATCH IT," yelped the kid. "One more shake and you'll lose the case!"

2006-06-10 18:22:51 · 11 answers · asked by joann_xvi 4

2006-06-10 18:18:35 · 12 answers · asked by King Julian 2

Why did I suddenly think about seeing Barney the Dinosaur through a sniper's scope?

2006-06-10 18:14:55 · 7 answers · asked by Quack Man 1

Lock Your Doors

Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home!

A New Jersey man was found dead in his home over the weekend.

Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.

The tub had been filled with milk, sugar, and cornflakes.

A banana was sticking out of his butt.

Police suspect a cereal killer ha ha ha ha ha

2006-06-10 18:09:10 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bubba and Jimmy Joe



One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he
saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba
pulled up to him with a wide grin.


"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"



"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.



"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya,
but a new truck?"



"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened.
We were driving out on County Road 6,
in the middle of nowhere.
Bobby Sue pulled off the road,
put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods.
She parked the truck, got out,
threw off all her clothes and said,

'Bubba, take whatever you want'.


So I took the truck!"



"Bubba, you're a smart man!.
Them clothes woulda never fit you!"

2006-06-10 18:01:16 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

woman goes to a pet shop and sees a frog she wants to buy.. She asks the sales man how much it costs and he tells her it costs €50.00.
"€50.00?? Why is it so expensive?" she gasps
"This frog can give blow jobs" replied the sales man.
So she buys the frog, takes it home and that evening gives it to her husband and tells him she is going to bed and he can try it out.
In the middle of the night she wakes up and can hear pots and pans and kitchen cupboards banging and she goes downstairs.
"What the hell is going on here?" she asks her husband..
To which he replies:

"as soon as this frog can cook, youre outta here!"

2006-06-10 17:57:56 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'd assassinate the Pillsbury Doughboy.

Who would YOU assassinate?

2006-06-10 17:37:27 · 14 answers · asked by Quack Man 1

A man was mudder. There was tire mark leding from the body to a house. Their was 4 men there. 3 were standing and 1 was sitting. They arestted the man sitting. WHY?

2006-06-10 17:31:16 · 9 answers · asked by prettyP 2

what if the earth was made of butter

2006-06-10 17:18:53 · 33 answers · asked by maddietheodd 2

If you break me,
I do not stop working.
If you touch me,
I may be snared.
If you lose me,
Nothing will matter.
What am I?

2006-06-10 17:12:46 · 8 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

How many licks does it take till you get to the center of a tootsie pop?

http://www.myspace.com/lexusdevotee

2006-06-10 17:10:49 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

too old? the sock cant stand the odor so it rips? im really bored.

2006-06-10 16:41:06 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks into a his bathroom and shoots himself right between the eyes using a real gun with real bullets. He walks out alive, with no blood anywhere And no, he didn't miss and he wasn't Superman or any other caped crusader. How did he do this?

2006-06-10 16:37:12 · 12 answers · asked by itsmeee2006 6

A man was found murdered on Sunday morning.

His wife immediately called the police.
The police questioned the wife and staff and got these alibis:
The Wife said she was sleeping.
The Cook was cooking breakfast.
The Gardener was picking vegetables.
The Maid was getting the mail.
The Butler was cleaning the closet.
The police instantly arrested the murderer.

Who did it and how did they know?

2006-06-10 16:26:19 · 16 answers · asked by itsmeee2006 6

2006-06-10 16:23:39 · 33 answers · asked by Grand Master Funk 3

Do you know any good blonde jokes?

2006-06-10 16:21:41 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous