are you bored? cuz i am. entertain me. please im desperate.?

Answer 1

What goes up and never comes down?
Your age.

Knock, Knock...
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Arthur.
- Arthur who?
- Arthur any better jokes than this?

Why can't centipedes play soccor?
By the time the put on a shield for their last leg, the game is over

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Ya.
Ya who?
What are you so excited about?

1. What is the easiest way to throw a ball, have it stop, and completely reverse direction after traveling a short distance?
2. What is at the beginning of eternity, the end of time, the beginning of every end, and the end of every place?
3. When things go wrong, what can you always count on?
4. What is always behind you but you can never touch it?
5. I am never the first to speak but I am always the last to be heard. Who am I?
6. We were born of the same mother, on the same day, at the same hour and in the same year. Yet we are not twins. How do you explain this?
7. Two fathers and two sons were seated round a table. There were four apples on the table. Each of them took one apple and ate it entirely yet there was still one apple left on the table. How was this possible?
8. Before Mount Everest was discovered which was the highest mountain in the world?
9. Here everything is not always in order. For example, Friday comes before Thursday, the cart comes before the horse, the driver comes before the employer. Where are we?
10. When I am alive I stay put where I am. It is only when I am dead that I move about here and there. Who am I?
11. How can you be behind a person when that person is also behind you?

Answers below.
1. Throw the ball straight up
2. 'e'
3. Your fingers
4. The past
5. An echo.
6. They are triplets.
7. There were only three persons at the table comprising a grandfather, his son and his grandson.
8. Mount Everest, of course. It was always there!
9. In a dictionary.
10. A leaf.
11. Put yourself back to back of each other.

1. There are six eggs in the basket. Six people each take one egg. How can it be that one egg is left in the basket?

2. Acting on an anonymous phone call, the police raid a house to arrest a suspected MURDERER. They don't know what he looks like, but they know HIS name in John. Inside they find a carpenter, a lorry driver, a car mechanic, and a fireman all playing cards. Without even asking his name, they arrested the fireman. How do they know they've got their man?

3. Three of the glasses are filled with orange juice; the other three are empty. By moving only ONE glass, can you arrange them so the full and empty glass alternate?

4. There was once a recluse who never left his home. The only time anyone ever visited him was when the food and supplies were delivered, but they NEVER came inside. Then, one stormy winter night when an icy gale was blowing, he had a nervous breakdown. He went upstairs, turned off all the lights and went to bed. Next morning, he had caused deaths of several hundred people. HOW?

1. She takes the basket as well with the last egg still in it.

2. He is the only man - all the others are woman.

3. Take the second glass from the left, pour its contents into the fifth glass from the left then return it to it's original position.

4. He is a lighthouse keeper.

5.The mailman did it, because there is no mail on Sunday.

Tongue Twisters
If you understand, say "understand". If you don't understand, say "don't understand". But if you understand and say "don't understand".How do I understand that you understand? Understand!



I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.



Sounding by sound is a sound method of sounding sounds.



A sailor went to sea to see, what he could see. And all he could see was sea, sea, sea.



Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People



If two witches were watching two watches, which witch would watch which watch?



I thought a thought.But the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought. If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I wouldn't have thought so much.



Once a fellow met a fellow In a field of beans. Said a fellow to a fellow, "If a fellow asks a fellow, Can a fellow tell a fellow what a fellow means?"



Mr Inside went over to see Mr Outside. Mr Inside stood outside and called to MrOutside inside. Mr Outside answered Mr Inside from inside and Told Mr Inside to come inside. Mr Inside said "NO", and told Mr Outside to come outside. MrOutside and Mr Inside argued from inside and outside about going outside or coming inside. Finally, Mr Outside coaxed Mr Inside to come inside, then both Mr Outside and Mr Inside went outside to the riverside.



She sells sea shells on the sea shore, but the sea shells that she sells, on the sea shore are not the real ones.



The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.



If one doctor doctors another doctor does the doctor who doctors the doctor doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors? Or does the doctor doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors? "When a doctor falls ill another doctor doctor's the doctor. Does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctor the doctor in his own way or does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctors the doctor in the doctor's way"



We surely shall see the sun shine shortly. Whether the weather be fine, Or whether the weather be not, Whether the weather be cold Or whether the weather be hot, We'll weather the weather Whatever the weather, Whether we like it or not. watch? Whether the weather is hot. Whether the weather is cold. Whether the weather is either or not. It is whether we like it or not.



Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.



A flea and a fly in a flue Said the fly "Oh what should we do" Said the flea" Let us fly Said the fly"Let us flee" So they flew through a flaw in the flue!



If you tell Tom to tell a tongue-twister his tongue will be twisted as tongue-twister twists tongues.



Mr. See owned a saw.And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw Before Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore.Had Soar seen See's saw before See sawed Soar's seesaw, See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw. So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.But it was sad to see Soar so sore just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw!



Hope that entertains you!

Answer 2

This one is Great--It's Precious. Does this count under Matt. 18:20? (Scroll down for the full effect ... it is precious!) Too precious! ;For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.
7 reasons not to mess with a child:
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want God is watching the apples. It doesn't matter how many people you send this to, just remember if it made you laugh, your friends will laugh too! .By the way,Nicole that was funny.

Answer 3

After you've read these, you'll either
1) wish that you didn't have a computer

or

2) wish that I didn't have a computer
LOL
ENJOY

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.



2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
you, but don't start anything."



3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.



4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.



5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."



6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"



7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That
sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not
Unusual."



8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.



9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing
to look at either.



10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.



11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.



12 A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't - I've cut off your arms!"



13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.



14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.



15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says "Dam!"



16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.



17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't
stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."



18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family
in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her
husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband
responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."



19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..
a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.



20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to
his friends with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them
laugh. No pun in ten did.

Answer 4

We were sitting up at the neighbors house earlier this evening. They don't allow smoking inside so we were sitting out on their deck. It wasn't too warm outside so I wore my hoodie (the kind with the pocket pouch in front) and since I have allergies I always carry Kleenex in my pocket. Without thinking I flicked my lighter in my pocket because I was getting bored and was thinking about having a smoke. Dots, my neighbor asked me "Why are you smoking?" I told her I was just thinking about having a cigarette. She goes, "No, you're smoking" I told her "No, I'm not" Finally, she says, "You're smoking. look down" Then I started feeling the heat. Sure enough....I had started that Kleenex on fire in my pocket. She was drinking a summer hummer and you can guess what she did. Yep, she poured it in my pocket to put it out. Wanna know what's really stupid?? That wasn't the first time that I have started a fire in the pocket of my hoodie. :)

Answer 5

One day a teacher went into her class room and saw the word, “penis” written in small letters on the chalkboard. She erased it and went on with the day's lesson. The next day, she came in and saw the same word on the chalkbaord, but a little bit bigger. She erased it and went on with her lesson.
Each of the next several days, the teacher would come in to find “penis” on the board, a little larger each time. She went in one morning, expecting to dinf it again, but instead the chalkboard read: “The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.”

Answer 6

i was in the library and this lady was using the computers well i saw her sit down and went back to what i was doing, out of the corner of my eye i saw this movement so i turned and this lady had leaned back so far she tipped her chair ,she started waving her arms and legs trying to get balanced and fell like a tree,she was still in the chair and her legs were straight in the air, when she got up she was beat red, i took off after i saw she was ok, i just had to get out before i burst out laughing.

Answer 7

Heres a good one:

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!'

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Answer 8

an 80 yr old lady is in the nursing home she rolling down the hall in a wheel chair. when bob jumps out in front of her holding his hand in the stop posistion. he ask her for here driving licence. she searches her purse then finally she pulls out a napkin and gives it to bob. he examines it and then says ok u can pass . so she starts rolling on down the hall all of the sudden jimmy jumps out holding his hand out in the stop posistion . he then ask her for proof of insurance so she searches her purse and finally pulls out a napkin hands it to jimmy he examines it then finally says ok u may pass. so she continues down the hall when all of the sudden chester steps out in front of her with his hands on his hips and naked from the waist down his manhood dangling low, and she replies oh no not another breathalizer.

Answer 9

this is stpid but it makes me laugh why did the dog go in the shade )becuase itdid not want to be a hot dog

Answer 10

I am the queen of bored.