Pregnancy & Parenting - 20 November 2006

How to avoid having your *** beaten by an expectant mother

1) Do NOT touch her stomach without permission.

You are not her husband or her OB/GYN. No matter what you think, you aren’t touching the baby within. You, you pervert, are touching her. An old lady in 7-11 lost the feeling in the fingers when she had the nerve to reach out and touch someone.


2) Do NOT share horror stories of pregnancy and childbirth.

She knows what might go wrong; she has a doctor who can explain these things to her. She does not need to know that everyone you know had a horrible time during pregnancy, labor, and childbirth. So do not, at any time graphically reenact the stitching of an episiotomy at her baby shower while saying things like “I tore so bad the doctor was down there for hours!” Also, refrain from talking about the three-headed baby you saw on the Discovery Channel. She has access to TV and the internet, she can find that crap if she so desires.


3) Do NOT ask her when she’s going to have another baby.

This is grounds for immediate execution. My nurse asked me this as she was pushing my wheelchair to the recovery room, after 12 hours of labor and two hours of pushing. I jabbed my IV needle into her eye and laughed hysterically. Oddly, I was never prosecuted.


4) Do NOT tell her, when you see her eating, that she must be eating for two.

Pregnant women need to eat just like everyone else. Just because she’s having a burger does not mean that she’s been stuffing her face all day and is making a pig of herself. The resident moron in my office told me this constantly. His body has not yet been found.


5) Do NOT tell her tales of whoa experienced by those who have babies.

If she’s a smart woman, she’s read a book or two. She knows babies cry. She knows babies get up every few hours. She does not need to hear how your demon child vomited split pea soup every 45 minutes and didn’t sleep more than 2 hours at a time until they were 10. Everyone’s different, that’s why pants come in all sizes and lengths.


6) Do NOT ask her if she plans to breastfeed.

It’s none of your business and she doesn’t need your opinion on why she should or should not to this. Her body, her baby, her choice. Providing her with 25 pages of statistical information is only going to make her want to run you down while you aren’t looking. Also, refrain from describing, in minute detail, how cracked and sore breastfeeding made your breasts and how impossible it was for you and everyone you know to do it. Again, everyone is different. See #5 for further explanation.


7) Do NOT mutter the word “hormones” after she has said/done something.

Sure, her hormones are probably a little wacky, but this is not your excuse to announce it to everyone. Quiet possibly you did one of the other no-nos on this list and pissed her off. Therefore, she did or said something that seemed rude. Maybe she just doesn’t like you. Maybe you are a jerk and she meant to tell you off. Maybe you are the old lady in #1 who just didn’t get it after three warnings so you got screamed at by a tiny but very pregnant woman.


8) Do NOT try to guess the due date or how many months pregnant she is.

If you guess too far ahead, she’ll assume that she looks horrible and fat. That is not emotional stress that she needs. Also, do not compare her to how you or anyone else looked during the same stage of pregnancy. She does not need to know that your best friend’s girlfriend’s dog sitter weighed 15 lbs less and didn’t wear maternity clothes until she was 8 months pregnant. She’ll be permitted to beat you senseless with the closest blunt object if you refuse to show a little tact.


9) Do NOT make fun of her weight.

Comments like: “Hi fatty!” or “Look how big you’ve gotten!” or “You look like you could go any day now!” should never be uttered in her presence or anyone’s presence for that matter. She’s aware she’s gaining weight. She’s the pregnant one wearing the pants with the expandable waist. She gets weighed on a monthly basis. Besides, pregnant doesn’t make you fat, it expands your middle to make room for a baby. She’s probably unhappy about her expanding waistline and doesn’t need you pointing it out, making her the butt of a joke. If this happens, be prepared for a retaliatory jab, “I’m pregnant, what’s your excuse?” while you are surrounded by a group of other people who can laugh at your expense, fatso.


10) Do NOT describe how horrible a woman looks after giving birth.

Any good book or doctor will be able to inform her of the possibility of a saggy belly and breasts, varicose veins, etc. She does not need to hear about how your feet grew three sizes and your breasts shrank three sizes and now hang to your knees. Your new bodily functions or the loss of them should be kept to yourself. If you do choose to share these things, the pregnant woman will be permitted to use them in social situations in the future.

2006-11-20 06:26:19 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous in Newborn & Baby

My husband and I have been trying to concieve for about 3 months. The last couple of days I have been really nauseaous. I have also had a headache (but I'm quitting sodas cold turkey) and My boobs hurt. According to my ovulation calendar I should get my period on the 25th. Do you think it is too early to take a first response test? I can wait but I'm a little impatient because I want it so bad.

2006-11-20 06:25:52 · 15 answers · asked by Who Me? 4 in Trying to Conceive

Also, does Cody, Elise, and Kara all sound good together? Lol. I love the name Kara but I can't think of a middle name that goes well with it.

2006-11-20 06:24:58 · 34 answers · asked by Kallie 4 in Baby Names

2006-11-20 06:22:53 · 18 answers · asked by cl 1 in Toddler & Preschooler

It has changed a few times since my mother was born and has changed again in my 26 years on earth.....now that I'm having babies, what is the correct way to place them in their beds to sleep?

2006-11-20 06:22:29 · 36 answers · asked by Scratch-N-Sniff 3 in Newborn & Baby

for parents to kick there kids out at 18?

2006-11-20 06:17:59 · 19 answers · asked by CJL18 1 in Parenting

Im asking this question on behalf of a friend. (definately not me as i am already 25 weeks pregnant with twins...yay!!)
ok, she was due for a period between the 12th and 14th of this month and is normally regular as clockwork, but last weekend she had unprotected sex. could she be pregnant. i said it was too soon to tell and the late period was a coincidence. am i right, because i dont want her to worry??

2006-11-20 06:15:52 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous in Pregnancy

I had to have some xrays done of my back I was about a day late and they asked me if I thought I was pregnant before the procedure I told them It was possible So I had a pregnancy test done it came out negative but know I'm a week late and feel nauseous.If I'm pregnant could It affect my baby I'm worried because I had a miscarriage 5months ago.

2006-11-20 06:15:10 · 8 answers · asked by vronnieat13 1 in Trying to Conceive

My son has just turned 2 today and we still haven't decided what to do for him. We don't have a lot of children with the extended family. We do have a 6 year old daughter though. He is a very active little boy, he loves music, playing catch, being chased, chasing others and drawing on paper.

When he was 1, I just had the family come over for cake and pizza and we opened gifts, but this time, I really want him to have a fun day - they kid of day where he's had so much fun he just falls asleep all of the sudden from all the excitement. Basically has so much fun his little body can't take any more, lol.

We are thinking of maybe doing a fun day at the Pier in San Francisco.

2006-11-20 06:14:07 · 10 answers · asked by GirlUdontKnow 5 in Toddler & Preschooler

Does anyone know of any Tinkerbell crib bedding? I have searched everywhere I can think of...including Ebay looking for Tinkerbell stuff for my daughter's room and can hardly find ANYTHING. Ideas??

2006-11-20 06:12:02 · 7 answers · asked by totspotathome 5 in Newborn & Baby

you caught your 13 year old son picking on a mentally retarded person? he was saying "duuuuh" and hitting his chest. this wasnt my child but i saw a neighbors kid doing it and started to think about what i would do if i caught my child doing this. what do you think would be an appropriate punishment?

2006-11-20 06:10:39 · 18 answers · asked by krystal 6 in Parenting

2006-11-20 06:10:12 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous in Toddler & Preschooler

Im 31 weeks and just lately ive pit a lot of weight on, im eating healthily but just look a lot plumper than i did before. Is this just a normal thing at this stage in pregnancy?

2006-11-20 06:08:16 · 19 answers · asked by adams girl 2 in Pregnancy

It's been 2 days since I last nursed my son who is 19 months. While I'm at it I'm "training" (for lack of a better word) to sleep in his big boy bed instead of mom's bed. He still wakes up several time a night but not as much as when he sleeps with me and nurses.

I am wondering how long did it take you to stop producing milk and for your child to sleep through the night after weaning.

Thanks for your help!

2006-11-20 06:07:39 · 9 answers · asked by LBuffo 3 in Toddler & Preschooler

Does it die when its dried on his hand?

2006-11-20 06:07:18 · 8 answers · asked by Exuberant one 1 in Trying to Conceive

My husband and I are trying to have a baby, and I've been reading up on baby care--feeding, clothing, sickness, allergies, etc etc etc.
BabyCenter.com has articles that are reviewed by doctors. In one article, it says that doctors recommend small amounts of soft pasteurized cheese, yogurt, and cottage cheese for 8 to 10 month old children (if they are ready for it and are not showing signs of lactose intolerance), but why do they say no cow's milk until age 1? Dairy products are made with cow's milk, so why can't you feed it to them as milk, not just as an ingredient in a diary product?

2006-11-20 06:06:03 · 6 answers · asked by Bachman-ette 4 in Newborn & Baby

I'm 24 weeks pregnant and within the past few weeks I have just began to feel my baby daughter kicking. My question is, somedays she moves all day long and all night. It seems like she just wont stop, and the kicks/movements are very strong. And other days, I will only feel her once or twice a day, and it seems like she barely moves at all. Then the next day, she's back to kicking and moving all over. Why is this?

2006-11-20 06:01:16 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous in Pregnancy

My mom is planning my baby shower..and she is going to make the food, with all of our family..including me, I intend on helping :)
we like to cook!
That being said....It will be a luncheon...
BESIDES pasta and meatballs, toss salads, rolls, chips, fruit platters,veggie platters, and cold cuts What else would you like to see on a menu for a luncheon baby shower.. with approx 80 people. Of course there will be a cake too. Kepp in mind, we want to keep the cost somewhat down, yet, we want a good variety. Catering the event would bee tooooooo exspensive. So your thoughts please :)

2006-11-20 06:00:59 · 9 answers · asked by MZ02 3 in Pregnancy

2006-11-20 05:55:57 · 8 answers · asked by Mallard 1 in Pregnancy

If so, how old should a baby be before it no longer gets the stretches?

2006-11-20 05:54:19 · 11 answers · asked by Beverly J 1 in Newborn & Baby

I want her to be afraid to have pre-marital sex. These vaccines just increase promiscuity. If people actually waited until marriage we wouldn't need these vaccines.

2006-11-20 05:54:11 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous in Parenting

1st baby
having thyroid

2006-11-20 05:52:18 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous in Pregnancy

I had my last period on oct. 13th. I am on a 33 day cycle so my next period would have been on nov 15th. My husband works irregular hours so we only had sex twice this month, on the 20th and 28th. of oct. He wore a condom both times, and did not ejaculate inside of me, and were almost positive that the condom didn't break. I took a home pregnancy test (E.P.T. to be specific) on the 1st, 3rd and 5th days of my missed period. In september I recently went back to work after taking the summer off. (I work in a day care with all women about 30 hrs a week.) My sister was having some health problems recently and I have been stressing out about missing my cycle. Mostly my husband's fault. I ovulated normally this month and was getting all the signs of my period comming (PMS, side hurting, ect) and right when I was supposesed to be due for my period I started cramping (which I still do from time to time) What are the chances that I am pregnant?

2006-11-20 05:51:52 · 3 answers · asked by Tess 1 in Trying to Conceive

You are prolife but your daughter gets pregnant. She dosent know what to do and/or wants an abortion. Do you support this or refuse to sign for the abortion?

2006-11-20 05:48:44 · 23 answers · asked by TrofyWife 4 in Adolescent

2006-11-20 05:48:03 · 8 answers · asked by ED P 1 in Newborn & Baby

(Im a mom,but my kids are much younger.)
Kick your daughter out of the house if she got pregnant? Has anyone actually done this? And isnt it illegal to kick your minor out?

2006-11-20 05:46:13 · 13 answers · asked by TrofyWife 4 in Adolescent

first off i am 9 weeks 2 days pregnant, and ive been drinking strawberry soda everyday....Its caffinee free is this okay to have everyday? Like one big glass? And ive also been craving and eating caramel apples EVERYDAY lol they are soooo good. I cannot get rid of them. Are these bad choices? I usually eat pretty healthy except for these few things.....

2006-11-20 05:45:34 · 11 answers · asked by jess_n_flip 4 in Pregnancy

besides just saying hello to him and saying how cute he is ?
im not really a baby person , and my freind has a baby- so i was just wondering if im hurting her feelings, by not holdinghim and going gaga over him -

2006-11-20 05:45:23 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous in Parenting

My daughter is 2 1/2 and has been doing reasonably well with peeing in the potty. We have our accidents, but for the most part, our days are dry. However, we have yet to poop in the potty. She wants absolutely nothing to do with it! We know her "normal" time and have tried sitting on the potty reading during that time, but nothing. Last night she got that look and I ran her in to the potty and we read, and we read, and we read, but to no avail. I asked her to try to poop, or toot on the potty, but she peed and that was it. After wards, she pooped in her pants. We try not to get her in "trouble" for accidents, but we can't seem to get the idea that pooping in the potty is fun too. After we clean her panties, she likes to watch the poop go when flushed, but isn't interested in making it go there first. Any body have the same problem or any ideas? (PS--don't know if it matters, but I guess her daddy was the same way. Pee was fine, poop was not until he was 4!)

2006-11-20 05:38:04 · 7 answers · asked by missionhtg 4 in Toddler & Preschooler

she's 8 months not contractions non stop, and to top it off she is sick. she looks miseriable. i feel like i need to do something... but like what buy her soup? stuff bottles and bottles of water down her throat?

another thing is she is pregnant so she can't really take any cold medications.

2006-11-20 05:37:42 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous in Pregnancy