I'm trying to get back on track with my life. I'm in the last year of college. I've known that I suffered from depression/anxiety at least since I started college, if not before that. Last year, I nearly took my life. I told my family and friends about it and got help. I also failed two courses that semester, withdrew from another one and was placed on academic probation as a result of my personal issues. I started taking anti-depressants and decided to take a semester off to cope with my depression. My family was very supportive during this period and I am very fortunate for this. I’m not sure why I cracked but it has something to do with being a perfectionist. In school, I was always getting good grades and my friends and family alike have this impression that I’m very ‘smart’. I’ve always felt like a fraud because of this and that if they knew the real me they would learn how stupid I actually am. In the last year of my high school, I became very depressed/ stressed but no one really knew about it because on the outside I appeared very cool. I had a meltdown of sorts at home and my parents and I thought it would be best for me to not finish school but go and do a 6-month foundation studies program in Australia affiliated with a university there. I basically was eligible for this as I had good grades for my ‘O’ levels. Whether this was a good decision or not, it was made and I left for Australia. When I look back now I realize that I was ashamed to leave without completing junior college (or pre-university) and I did not like foundation studies as they focused on teaching English to people whose native language is not English whereas mine is. In first year of college, I never really told anyone that I had done foundation studies as I was afraid they would judge me or look down on me. So I let them assume that I had done ‘A’ levels. They also thought that I was extremely smart for some reason (I really don’t know why they thought this as I hadn’t given any reason for them to think this apart from the fact that I told them I study science!). When exam time came around, I got all sorts of grades ranging from Cs to As. However when my friends asked me, they would say things such as ‘got all As??’ and I wasn’t honest enough to say no, so I would just lie about my grades to them. I felt immensely guilty about this and this spiraled me into further depression. I am sad that I can’t open up to my friends, I feel guilty and ashamed about my so-so grades when I know that I am capable of achieving so much more if I wasn’t so anxiety-ridden about everything. When I resumed studies this year, I again had to cope with so-so grades. It hurts, because I love my subjects but it’s my fear of what others will think and my inherent depression that prevents me from doing my best in them. I wish I could be more open with my friends, but I feel like the fact that I lied to then in the past prevents me from doing so. I feel really trapped by my own actions in the past and I’m not sure what to do now.
2007-11-07
14:37:16
·
2 answers
·
asked by
juniper
2
in
Mental Health