What should I do?

Question

I'm trying to get back on track with my life. I'm in the last year of college. I've known that I suffered from depression/anxiety at least since I started college, if not before that. Last year, I nearly took my life. I told my family and friends about it and got help. I also failed two courses that semester, withdrew from another one and was placed on academic probation as a result of my personal issues. I started taking anti-depressants and decided to take a semester off to cope with my depression. My family was very supportive during this period and I am very fortunate for this. I’m not sure why I cracked but it has something to do with being a perfectionist. In school, I was always getting good grades and my friends and family alike have this impression that I’m very ‘smart’. I’ve always felt like a fraud because of this and that if they knew the real me they would learn how stupid I actually am. In the last year of my high school, I became very depressed/ stressed but no one really knew about it because on the outside I appeared very cool. I had a meltdown of sorts at home and my parents and I thought it would be best for me to not finish school but go and do a 6-month foundation studies program in Australia affiliated with a university there. I basically was eligible for this as I had good grades for my ‘O’ levels. Whether this was a good decision or not, it was made and I left for Australia. When I look back now I realize that I was ashamed to leave without completing junior college (or pre-university) and I did not like foundation studies as they focused on teaching English to people whose native language is not English whereas mine is. In first year of college, I never really told anyone that I had done foundation studies as I was afraid they would judge me or look down on me. So I let them assume that I had done ‘A’ levels. They also thought that I was extremely smart for some reason (I really don’t know why they thought this as I hadn’t given any reason for them to think this apart from the fact that I told them I study science!). When exam time came around, I got all sorts of grades ranging from Cs to As. However when my friends asked me, they would say things such as ‘got all As??’ and I wasn’t honest enough to say no, so I would just lie about my grades to them. I felt immensely guilty about this and this spiraled me into further depression. I am sad that I can’t open up to my friends, I feel guilty and ashamed about my so-so grades when I know that I am capable of achieving so much more if I wasn’t so anxiety-ridden about everything. When I resumed studies this year, I again had to cope with so-so grades. It hurts, because I love my subjects but it’s my fear of what others will think and my inherent depression that prevents me from doing my best in them. I wish I could be more open with my friends, but I feel like the fact that I lied to then in the past prevents me from doing so. I feel really trapped by my own actions in the past and I’m not sure what to do now.

Answer 1

Well you are in college so I am pretty sure you are NOT stupid. Don't be so hard on yourself and quit worrying what others think they do not pay your bills and they are far from perfect.

If you do not want to discuss your grades then say just that I do not discuss my grades and leave it at that it is nobody's business but yours and you are not obligated to discuss it if you choose not to. If they try and force you to talk about it stand your ground and just say no and that is it. They will quit asking if you quit telling.

I do not discuss money with anyone my co-workers or anyone else. As long as I pay for my part of the bills I do not find it necessary to discuss money.

And you do not have to discuss your past all of that is private information. Pick and choose what you want to talk about. Trust me nobody talks about everything they have ever done. We all have things we would rather forget about. You are not alone on that one. I am pretty sure we all have grades we are not proud of.

Give yourself a break and try and focus on the positive things like you are getting a very good opportunity to get a college education and if you do your best I am sure you will be just fine even if you do not make the Dean's list. Hang in there it will get better.

Answer 2

i hate anxiety. maybe you need someone to talk to? like a therapist. it really does help. realize that your friends wont care if you got a C. they don't love you for your grades, they love you for you. if anything they could help you with your grades! don't be afraid to let them know the real you.

hope this helped.