Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honey- moon, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "F you!"

5) The fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

2007-12-17 01:42:07 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-17 00:52:43 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. I prefer breasts to legs
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning
20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!
21. I do like a good stuffing.

Have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

2007-12-16 23:48:15 · 18 answers · asked by Say It Like You Mean It 4

One day in the great forest, a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop. "Because you are the only two animals I have ever seen", the frog said. "I will grant you both three wishes. Bear, you go first."

The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."
Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."
The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish the bear was gay."

2007-12-16 23:38:22 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

I hear that Tampax have just brought out a new tampon

it has tinsel, instead of string

but it's only available for the Christmas period

2007-12-16 23:34:43 · 29 answers · asked by Vinni and beer 7

Where is God?

A couple had two little boys who were always getting into trouble. Their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their village, their sons were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that an elder in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her sons. The elder agreed, but asked to see them separately.
So, the mother sent her youngest son first, in the morning. The elder, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response.So the elder repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the wide-eyed boy made no attempt to answer.

The elder raised his voice and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into a closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him hiding, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing, and they think WE did it!"

2007-12-16 23:26:58 · 8 answers · asked by Real Talk 4

told her friend she was worried as she thought she'd be ripped off,all they did was change the fluid in the headlights.

2007-12-16 23:22:31 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jesus is Watching You!

There was a burglar who broke into a home and started to gather the items he wanted to take. All of a sudden he heard, "Jesus is watching you!" He didn't see anything in the dark house, so he went on with what he was doing.

He heard, "Jesus is watching you!" again and then he really wondered who wassaying that. He turned on the flashlight, scanned the room, and finally saw a parrot.

"Did you say that?" asked the burgler.

"Yes," replied the parrot.

"By the way, what's your name?" the burgler inquired."Moses," answered the parrot.

"That's a strange name for a parrot. Who named you that?"

"The same people who named their rotweiller Jesus!"

2007-12-16 23:17:25 · 4 answers · asked by Real Talk 4

A mother was walking with her four year old daughter one day when the daughter picked up something off the ground and started to put it into her mouth. The mother stopped her and said she shouldn't do that.

"Why," asked the little girl.

"Because it’s dirty. It's been on the ground. You don't know where it's been. It probably has germs."

The little girl looked up at her mom with admiration and asked, "How do you know so much?"

Thinking quickly, the mother said, "All moms know so much. We have to. It's on the Mommy Test. If you don't know it, you don't get to be a mommy."


The little girl pondered this for a few minutes, then her face brightened. "I get it!" she said. "If you don't pass the test, you get to be a daddy!"

"Yup," said the mom.

2007-12-16 22:54:36 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

Men are like ... Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like ... Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like ... Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like ... Department Stores. Their clothes are always half off.

Men are like ... Government Bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like ... Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like ... Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like ... Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like ... Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like ... Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

2007-12-16 22:41:21 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook. The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face."

The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."

The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a p*ss yesterday, I came three times!"

2007-12-16 22:34:14 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

An American couple on vacation with some friends in Mexico were shopping at the market to bring back a few souvenirs to their family and friends. Time passed, and the couple realized that neither of them was wearing a watch. They noticed this little Mexican man taking a siesta next to this mule, which had the largest set of mule nuts they had ever seen.

Trying not to stare at the huge mule nuts, they asked the little Mexican man, "Excuse us, but could you tell us what time it is?"

The little Mexican man reached his hand under the enormous set of mule nuts and, lifting them high, said, "It's 3 o'clock."

Amazed by this, the American couple went off to find their friends and tell them the amazing story. "This little Mexican man over there can tell time by lifting his mule's balls!"

Curious and amazed, the friends wanted to see this first-hand, so they went back and asked the little Mexican man what time it was.

Sure enough, the little Mexican man reached out again, cupped his hands under the mule's nuts, lifted them up as if to weigh them, and said, "It is 3:15."

The friends checked the time on their watches, and sure enough, the little man was correct.

Blown away by this, the American couple finally asked, "It is just amazing...how do you do that?"

"Do what?" the Mexican asked.

"Tell the time by lifting your mule's balls!"

"Ah...." said the Mexican. "I just need to lift his balls so I can see that big clock across the street."

2007-12-16 22:32:14 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-"
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Pls star if worthy...thanks.

2007-12-16 22:09:01 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

again this is regarding my new series, any suggestions on different ways to crush a can.
Any suggestions welcome the good' uns will be carried out.

2007-12-16 21:46:59 · 11 answers · asked by l4zy_gti 2

A 4-year-old boy was asked to give the meal blessing before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.
Then he paused, and everyone waited-- and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"

2007-12-16 20:26:36 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-16 19:12:03 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-16 19:09:35 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-16 17:18:46 · 13 answers · asked by thetonner 1

They saw one another with a stream running between them. One asks the other "How do you get on the other side of the stream?" The other blonde looks up and down the bank and doesn't see a crossing. Then shouts back "I don't know, you're the one that's over there!"

2007-12-16 17:13:11 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

standing outside santa's hip-hop house party answer: ____ _____'__ __! I'll give best ans. to first right answer.

2007-12-16 16:36:14 · 9 answers · asked by aalbatross 2

2007-12-16 14:17:35 · 51 answers · asked by Melissa(: 2

i dunno, you tell me?

2007-12-16 13:59:04 · 34 answers · asked by ipodlady231 7

joe and mark r brothers, joe was born earlier than mark but mark is still older y? there r 2 diff answers

2007-12-16 13:41:39 · 15 answers · asked by maja1468 3

A married woman walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all she wants for Christmas is for her husband to be interested in sex. Santa then proceeds to give her a bottle of pills. He tells her to give them a try and then let him know how it's working.

So she takes the pills home and puts one pill in her husband's Christmas dinner. That night, they make love for one hour. The next day, she's running around thrilled and happy. "Oh, my God. I can't believe how well that worked," she thinks to herself. That night she puts two pills in his food and that night they make love for two hours. The next day, she's even more thrilled, so she dumps all the pills in his food.

Two weeks go by without any word from this woman, so Santa decides to give her a call. A little boy answers the phone. Santa says, "Little boy, is your mother home?"

"No, she's...who's this?" the little boy asks. "I'm a friend of your mother's and I gave her some pills to help her out a couple of weeks ago. Maybe you know how it's going?"

"That was you?!" the little boy says. "Let me tell you -- Mom's dead, sister's pregnant, my *** hurts and Dad's in the attic going, 'Here kitty, kitty, kitty.' "

2007-12-16 13:04:53 · 19 answers · asked by froghugger 6

What is between heaven and earth?

2007-12-16 12:52:53 · 25 answers · asked by Some Random 2

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think be fore she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

2007-12-16 12:06:26 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

Let's have your best answer.

2007-12-16 12:05:32 · 4 answers · asked by carson123 6

*News flash*... Jeremy Beadle has a tiny C*ck but on the other hand it looks quite big

2007-12-16 11:58:59 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?
A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

2007-12-16 11:54:55 · 36 answers · asked by Anonymous

Such as: Is a fart an afrodisiac for a homosexual?

2007-12-16 11:26:59 · 7 answers · asked by ? 5