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Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

[Selected]: All categories Entertainment & Music Jokes & Riddles

2006-12-16 05:28:22 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

2006-12-16 05:22:32 · 34 answers · asked by Joe C 1

This made me laugh..

How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?






No one knows. Divorced men never get the house!

That was my last question for today.. See ya people..

2006-12-16 05:19:31 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

If the phrase contains "the" or "and" or "of"the letter "t" or "a" or "o" is missed out.
eg. UEFA stands for Union of European Football Associations.

What I want to know is why is Computer Literacy and Information Technology abbreviated to CLAIT?

2006-12-16 05:18:18 · 16 answers · asked by Roy S 3

A man and woman live together but the man is not getting any play frrom his wife at home she always say" Have Patience "so he goes off to sleep so he can go to the hospital in the morning where he works.The next night same thing .The wife is starting to feel bad about not pleasing her man so she decides to go home early and try to do something special for her man.When she getts their her husband is in the bed room getting it on with some chick.While the husband is not aware that his girl is watching he is still doing his deed untill the girlfriend screams "What the hell do you think your doing?"When the lady turned around she saw it was a regular patient from the hospital!The boyfriend replied you always say have patience so thats what im doing right now ,so know you have patience im all most done!

2006-12-16 05:12:13 · 9 answers · asked by AMBRASIA C 2

The priest said, "Today's sermon is called 'Liars'. I will get to that in a moment, but first I have a question. How many of you have read Chapter 66 in Matthew?" Nearly every hand went up.

"You're just the group I need to speak to," the priest said. "There's no such chapter."

Good idea huh..? lol..

2006-12-16 05:06:51 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found a patient sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. A second patient was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked the first patient what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor then asked what the other patient was doing. The first patient replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb." The doctor looks up and notices the second patient's face is going all red.

The doctor asks the first patient, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself." The first patient replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

2006-12-16 05:03:21 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

this one's real easy!!!!!

2006-12-16 05:02:39 · 22 answers · asked by Ariel C 2

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to
See the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.
Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the
Pillow. It was addressed, "Dad"

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and
Read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm
Writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend
Because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so
Nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all
Her piercing, tattoos,her tight motorcycle clothes and
Because she is so much older than I am but it's not only
The passion, Dad, she's pregnant. Joan says that we are
Going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods
And has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.

2006-12-16 05:00:17 · 15 answers · asked by a m 4

There are two possible answers.

2006-12-16 04:56:33 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Here's a lame joke..

Why did the hedgehog cross the road..?




To see his flat mate..

This made me chuckle I admit.. But not that funny.. What did you think.. Honestly..?

2006-12-16 04:50:08 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

one day there was a man with no arms or legs lounging on the beach.

Suddenly a beatiful lady comes up to him and asks;
'I bet you've never been hugged.'
The man replies;
'No i havn't'.
So the woman hugs him and leaves.

5 minutes later another woman comes over and asks;
'I bet you've never been kissed'.
The man replies again;
'No i havn't'
So the woman kisses him and walks off.

Another 5 minutes pass and a beatiful blonde walks over to the man.
'I bet you've never been screwed'.
The man,looking very excited, yet again replies;
'No i havn't.'

The woman says ;
'Now you are, the tides coming in!'

2006-12-16 04:48:25 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

3

Two women are walking along the road, when a car drives by. A man in the car waves, and one of the women waves back.

'Who was that?' asks the other woman.

The first woman replies 'That man's mother is my mother's only daughter.'

What relation is the man to the woman?

2006-12-16 04:36:04 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom
they would press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.

Before it got out of hand he thought he'd better do something. He spoke to all the girls that wore lipstick and asked them to meet him in the
ladies room at 2pm.

When they arrived they found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a
problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies would better understand the problem if they saw how hard it was to clean.

The custodian then demonstrated. He took a berdaggled brush on a long handle out of a box. He dipped the brush in the nearest Toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.

hehehe!

2006-12-16 04:35:15 · 36 answers · asked by Anonymous

There's a college class with a professor who tries to fail as many people as he can. He makes the final exam as hard as he can make it, and it's a timed test. The professor says, 'Time's up!' and everyone but one person turns their test in. The professor is laughing at the student as he keeps working, and says to himself, 'Yes, I'll have another kid to fail.' The kid tries to turn his test in and the professor goes, 'Are you kidding me? You worked for over 15 minutes longer than the alotted time. You get a zero.' The kid goes, 'Do you know who I am? DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?' The professor goes, 'No, and I don't care.' The kid goes, 'Oh, ok.' And then he sticks his test in the middle of the stack of tests. 'Have a nice day, professor.'

2006-12-16 04:32:05 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-16 04:31:14 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-16 04:21:53 · 17 answers · asked by cool_angle 2

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh
shrimp, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them
out of the window.

After he had gobbled a few of them down a woman opposite him
said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to
watch."

"Listen, love," He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you,
I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well
want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells,
throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimp. Finally
he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.

The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear
while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her
knitting needles.

After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you
stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"

"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the woman, "I've
paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."

2006-12-16 04:12:49 · 1 answers · asked by a m 4

First we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us
They took aspirin ate blue cheese dressing tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes
Then after that trauma our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes we had no helmets not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking
As children we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags
Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle
We shared one soft drink with four friends from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this
We ate cupcakes white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it but we weren't overweight because
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING
We would leave home in the morning and play all day as long as we were back when the streetlights came onNo one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem .
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents .
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays,
made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL!
And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

2006-12-16 04:07:48 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh
shrimp, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them
out of the window.

After he had gobbled a few of them down a woman opposite him
said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to
watch."

"Listen, love," He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you,
I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well
want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells,
throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimp. Finally
he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.

The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear
while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her
knitting needles.

After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you
stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"

"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the woman, "I've
paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."

2006-12-16 03:58:45 · 1 answers · asked by a m 4

A widowed lady, Sarah, was sitting on a beach towel in Miami Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, spread his blanket on the sand nearby, and had begun reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"Hello, sir, how are you?"
"Fine, thank you" he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" Sarah asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year" he replied, and again turned back to his book.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Suntree" he answered, and resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied "How did you know my name is Katz?"

2006-12-16 03:45:48 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

An elephant asks a camel,
"Why are your breasts on your back?"
"Well," says the camel, "I think that's a strange question from somebody whose pen*s is on his face."

2006-12-16 03:28:32 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

a tail it's covered in fur , and lives above and below the sea

2006-12-16 03:19:24 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it Is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is That you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth." Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my Index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

2006-12-16 03:13:14 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once I told my brother (he was about 4 or 5 I think) that the dryer was a cotton candy maker, and I pulled out the lint trap and offered him cotton candy (lint) and he ate it!

2006-12-16 03:10:10 · 6 answers · asked by ?born2lose? 5

I'm made with Love, white on the outside different on the inside,soft, part of santa's suit, and part of a popular 80s song but Alannah's Myles. My sister got me a gift and these are the clues she gave me what is it?

2006-12-16 03:08:05 · 6 answers · asked by Sondra 3

2006-12-16 02:51:06 · 56 answers · asked by joe k 1

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's
best friend. They had sex for hours, and afterwards, while they're
just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house,
she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens,
only hearing he side of the conversation. She is speaking in a
cheery voice:
"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful.
I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye
bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was
that?" "Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about
the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

2006-12-16 02:44:43 · 9 answers · asked by ? 5

Ok, imagine you are driving in a car and you are about to drive off a cliff, and your steering wheel and brakes don't work. What do you do?

2006-12-16 02:43:41 · 12 answers · asked by hobo6 2

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