Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

WHAT MEN EXPECT IN A WIFE

* She will always be beautiful and cheerful.

* She could marry a movie star, but wants only you.

* She will have hair that never needs curlers or beauty shops.

* Her beauty won't run in a rainstorm.

* She will never be sick--just allergic to jewelry and fur coats.

* She will insist that moving the furniture by herself, it's good
for her figure.

* She will be an expert in cooking, cleaning house, fixing the car
or TV, painting the house, and keeping quiet.

* Her favorite hobbies will be mowing the lawn and shoveling snow.

* She will hate charge cards.

* Her favorite _expression will be, "What can I do for you, Dear?"

* She will think you have Einstein's brain but look like Mr. America.

* She will wish you would go out with the boys so that she could get
some sewing done.

* She will love you because you're so sexy.

WHAT MEN GET IN A WIFE

* She speaks 140 words a minute, with gusts up to 180.

* She was once a model for a totem pole.

* Where there's smoke, there she is-- cooking.

* She's a light eater...once it gets light, she starts eating.

* She lets you know you only have two faults: everything you do, and
everything you say.

* No matter what she does with it, her hair looks like an explosion
in a steel wool factory.

* If you get lost, open your wallet and she'll find you.

2006-07-03 08:47:40 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

*Think of a letter between ** A and W.
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Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.
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** Don't stop **
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Think of an **animal **that begins **with that letter
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Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.
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Think of either a **man's/woman's ** name ** that **begins
with the ** last letter** **in the animal's name
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Almost there.......
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Now
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*count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the
hand you are not using to scroll down.
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Take the hand you counted with and hold it out in front of
you at face level
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Look at your palm very closely and notice the lines in your
hand
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Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the
person's name?
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.. Of course not......
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Now smack yourself in the head, get a life, and quit playing stupid
e-mail games!

2006-07-03 08:44:59 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A cowboy rode into town on Friday. He stayed THREE days and left on Friday. How is this possible?

2006-07-03 08:43:40 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-03 08:38:12 · 19 answers · asked by Featherman 5

2006-07-03 08:27:46 · 23 answers · asked by dippie. 3

Why does Snoop Dog Carry an Umbrella?
1st Correct Answer gets 10pts.

2006-07-03 08:19:16 · 11 answers · asked by vernise2679 4

Give me a cross, I'll turn my back on you.
Give me an x, I'll stand to face you.

2006-07-03 08:19:15 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have
decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an eight-year-
old again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four-star
restaurant.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk
with rocks.

I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.

I want to run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's
day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple, when all you knew
were colors, multiplication tables and nursery rhymes, but that
didn't bother you because you didn't know what you didn't know and
you didn't care.

All you knew was to be happy, because you were blissfully unaware of
all the things that should make you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.

I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious
to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little
things again.

I want to live simply again. I don't want my day to consist of
computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to
survive when there are more days in the month than there is money in
the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth,
justice, peace, dreams, mankind and making angels in the snow.

I want to play with my pets and my days of imagination to last
forever

So here are my checkbook and my car keys, my credit card bills and
my 401(k) statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood.

And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me
first because,
"Tag! You're it!"

2006-07-03 08:11:18 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Willys cynical thought for the day;

If money is, really, the root of all evil, why do preacher's want it so freaking badly?

There was a drunk guy, in a bar drinking. He was already pretty well souced and was starting to get nasty; cursing and starting arguements with everybody. A young lady came in the bar and went, to get a drink, beside him. He whispered in her ear, "Hey Baby how about it? Me and you get a bottle and get a seat in back!"

She just looks at this pittiful creature, and when her drink comes she starts walking away.

The guy says loudly, "Sweety you sure look like you can use the money, but I only have two dollars!"

She looks back at him and, in a loud voice, replys, "What makes you think I charge by the inch?"

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-07-03 08:09:12 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two cows were talking one morning.
The first cow said, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
The second cow said, "Are you kidding?"
And the first cow replied, "Really. Staight up. No Bull."

2006-07-03 08:04:07 · 14 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

2006-07-03 08:01:56 · 30 answers · asked by Why Not 3

Students**

2006-07-03 07:57:25 · 5 answers · asked by Dobe777 2

Ok, the first person to say the craziest, funniest statement gets the best answer pick. So bring it on!!!

2006-07-03 07:57:05 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

friend what she's bought her husband for his birthday.
"a free bungee jump," she replies.
"free?" says her friend.
"yes," she smiles. "no strings attached"

2006-07-03 07:53:27 · 21 answers · asked by Kelly 5

2006-07-03 07:51:32 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-03 07:51:01 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

a joker,a teaser,or a clown
whats your favorite jokes
1 put-down humor
2 bonding humor
3 hate-me humor
4 or just laughing at life
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Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
E. B. White
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Lawyer's club
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.

"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."

The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers--we had $100 when we broke in!"

2006-07-03 07:47:57 · 13 answers · asked by ? 4

2006-07-03 07:44:39 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

about a beautiful young actress who's about to marry a footballer known for his low IQ.
The man turns to his wife and says :"i'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
His wife replies:"why thank you, dear!"

2006-07-03 07:41:02 · 8 answers · asked by Kelly 5

i think it goes like this "a priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar'
Is there an end? i always hear the begining but never the end.

2006-07-03 07:40:29 · 8 answers · asked by Trinesie 3

2006-07-03 07:38:13 · 6 answers · asked by Alysen C 3

ok so
one day a shop owner hired a night-watchman to watch his jewlery store and...well...night.
on his first night working, the watchman calls the shop owner and says " i think something really bad is going to happen, sir!! i had a dream that someone will rob this store tomorrow morning! i think you should keep a closer eye on this store tomorrow!"
The owner of the shop immediently fires the watchman...why???

first one to get it gets 12 points!!!!

2006-07-03 07:36:29 · 18 answers · asked by Awesome Kai 3

2006-07-03 07:32:48 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A teabag would spend longer in the cup!

2006-07-03 07:31:51 · 17 answers · asked by Delgado 3

My husband is outside buff waxing our cars, when I asked him how it was goining, he just looked up at me and said, "You're next!"

2006-07-03 07:24:24 · 7 answers · asked by Yitka 2

Billy where Mike had had had had had had had had had had had the teachers approval.

It cn be done dudes!

2006-07-03 07:23:56 · 20 answers · asked by Delgado 3

What is more useful when it is broken?

2006-07-03 07:23:40 · 15 answers · asked by jjr3987 1

an intelligent man and father Christmas walked into a room. they saw on the table a £50 note. Which one picked it up?

The intelligent man the other two don't exist

2006-07-03 07:18:23 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

anywayz...
a lady got a glass of ice tea. she made it her own and spotted a bug in it. she called the waiter and told him to get her another glass of tea. he came back and gave her the tea. she immediately accused him of giving her the same tea she had before....why?? really easy first one to get it gets 12 points!!!! ;)

2006-07-03 07:15:36 · 18 answers · asked by Awesome Kai 3

Assign every letter of the alphabet its numerical value: A=1, B=2, C=3, and so on, up to z=26. Can you think of a familiar 7 letter word whose letter values total only 21?
HINT: It's edible.

2006-07-03 07:08:44 · 13 answers · asked by jjr3987 1