Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

im a purple moron
a retarded idiot addicted to kindness
cheated on baby bop for big bird
and is planning a horny attack on u 2nite?????

2006-07-04 13:32:22 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

changes color and is hard???????/

i dont evenknow the answer but the best one a get 10 points

2006-07-04 13:25:49 · 25 answers · asked by internet_mack 2

her name starts w/ an S
who ever guesses first gets a congradulations!

2006-07-04 13:25:01 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Her name starts with a K.
Whoever guesses first I'll chose as best answer

2006-07-04 13:24:59 · 11 answers · asked by sheena 1

Willys cynical thought for the day,

I sent my photo to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back to me saying "WE'RE NOT THAT FREAKING LONELY!!!!!"

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath - when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie! ... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this", said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an IRS genie."

She smiled and said, "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

He said, "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

The genie said, "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

The genie said, "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-07-04 13:09:05 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-04 12:59:28 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Just for fun!!!

2006-07-04 12:51:02 · 39 answers · asked by Anna 3

2006-07-04 12:29:43 · 17 answers · asked by Tori 2

wat is a seven letter word that's more expensive than the biggest diamond in the world,more important than ur mother, straighter than a straight line,taste better than your favorite food(s), and is more important than god?

2006-07-04 12:13:42 · 17 answers · asked by Dee 3

2006-07-04 12:09:05 · 11 answers · asked by Midnight Dynamo 3

just guess, u might be right

2006-07-04 12:03:04 · 27 answers · asked by Dee 3

If you found a $10 bill in every pocket of your coat....?

it's a riddle..

2006-07-04 11:55:23 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-04 11:32:42 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-04 11:22:32 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

There's two either one will do...

2006-07-04 11:17:19 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

wat runs all day, but never gets hot?

2006-07-04 11:15:07 · 44 answers · asked by Dee 3

2006-07-04 11:13:55 · 25 answers · asked by †♫♫♫♥☼♥♫♫♫† 4

2006-07-04 11:09:47 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-04 11:08:25 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon
they were working in the garden together. As the
wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband
said "Hey, honey you are getting fat. Your butt
is getting huge. "I bet it is as big as the gas
grill now."

The husband feeling he needed to prove his point,
got a yard stick, measured the grill & then
measured his wife's butt. "Yep, he said, "Just
what I thought, just about the same size." The
wife got very incensed and decided to let him do
the gardening alone.

She went inside & didn't speak to her husband the
rest of the day. That evening when they went to
bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife, and
said, "How about it honey? How about a little
lovemaking?" The wife rolled over & turned her
back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.
"What's the matter?" he asked. To which she
replied, "You don't think I'm going to fire up
this big *** grill for one little weenie, do
you?"

2006-07-04 11:07:10 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two guys in a life raft in the middle of
the ocean.

One sees an old bottle floating. He picks
it up and rubs it, and a genie comes out.

The genie says, "For letting me out, I will
grant you one wish."

The guy says, (without thinking) "Turn this
ocean into beer". And the ocean turns into
the best beer anybody has ever tasted.

The second guy says to the first, "You idiot,
now we'll have to piss in the boat".

2006-07-04 11:04:01 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-04 10:58:28 · 15 answers · asked by danielle a 1

I want to share some with my younger cousins!

2006-07-04 10:37:04 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

lol hey im new

2006-07-04 10:33:29 · 34 answers · asked by sexychick 1

1. cats facial expressions
2. the need for the same style of shoes in diffrent colors
3. fat clothes
4. fat mirrors
5. taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
6. the diffrence between beige, off white, stone, bone and eggshell
7. eylash curlers
8. the inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
9. other women

2006-07-04 10:11:14 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

You know the rest.
You Might Be A Redneck If ____________________________?

2006-07-04 10:08:25 · 51 answers · asked by Comedy Man 1

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a

big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for the first time.

* * * * * * * * *

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and

the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know > about condoms and sex.

* * * * * * * * *

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many >

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

* * * * * * * * *

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents >

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm

so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

* * * * * * * * *

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table >

where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

offers to say grace and bows his head.

* * * * * * * * *

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, >

with his head down.

* * * * * * * * *

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

* * * * * * * * *

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

* * * * * * * *

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your

father was a pharmacist."

2006-07-04 10:07:54 · 24 answers · asked by ~Sunny Delite~ 2

Ok,Hi Im new here...Well anyway heres the joke....

A teacher was having a tasting day where she would put candy in the kids' mouth and they would guess what it was. She went to the first little boy and put a Hershey's Kiss in his mouth.
"Can you guess what it is?"

"I don't know," said the boy.

"I'll give you a hint. It's something your daddy asks your mommy for every morning."

The girl next to the boy says "Don't eat it. It's a piece of ***."

2006-07-04 09:50:08 · 58 answers · asked by Comedy Man 1

First letter is T

2006-07-04 09:47:54 · 30 answers · asked by jessiebellduncan 2

To My Dear Spouse...


O MY DEAR WIFE,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
5 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory
because:
6 times you just laid there,
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling,
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with,
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you
didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't ***
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball,etc. on TV.

Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was , "would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

2006-07-04 09:25:43 · 21 answers · asked by I'm Bossy!! 2