funny quotes?

Answer 1

"The dirty mind can only lead to one thing...

...........dirt."

Oh, and this ones by Homer Simpson:

"I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman!"

Hehe :)

Answer 2

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

Answer 3

You, you, and you... panic. The rest of you come with me. US Marine Gunnery Sargent.

If the wings are travling faster than the fuselage, its probably a heliocopter and therefore, unsafe.

Never trade luck for skill.

The only time you have to much fuel is when your on fire.

I remember when sex was save and flying was dangerous.

You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.

Mankind has a perfect record in aviation, we never left one up there!

Airspeed, altitude, and brains. Two are needed to successfully complete the flight.

Whoever said the pen is mighter than the sword obviouly never encountered automatic weapons. Gen. MacArthur

When one engine fails on a twin engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

Without ammuntion, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky. old carrier pilot

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.

You never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. Pual F. Crickmore (test pilot)

Though I fly through the Valley of Death... I shall fear no evil. For I am at 80,000 feet amd climbing. at entrance to old SR71 base in Kadena, Japan.

Were very high on panic. Alan Alda as Hawkeye from MASH

When in doubt, empty the magazine. US Marine bumber sticker

Evil will always triumph over dumb. Darkhelmet from Spaceballs

It's got a cop motor, 440 cubic inch plant, cop tires, cop suspension, cop shocks, it's got a catalytic converter and will run good on regular gas. So is it the new bluesmobile? Yeah, but you need to fix the lighter. from the movie Blues Brothers

If im not back in 15 minutes you know what to do?
Leave.
No, wait 15 more minutes. From Hot Shots Part Deux.

Answer 4

I'm not frightened of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Life is like a pizza, except with life you don't get pepperoni.

Both Woody Allen.

I wouldn't want to be a member of any club that would have me as a member.

Groucho Marx.

Here's one by Sir Winston Churchill who was rather drunk at a dinner and sat next to Bessie Braddock the rather plain faced Member of Parliament for Liverpool.

Bessie: "Winston, you're drunk'"

Winston. "Yes Bessie, and you're ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober!"

Gene Wilder in 'Blazing Saddles'

Most people call me Jim. But you can call me ...... Jim.

Answer 5

My favorite TWO quotes!

1- "Why do I see Gays around me when God has created Adam and Eve and not Adam and Steve"! (No Offense People)!

2- " Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know that the batteries are dead"?!!!

It's true, I do it all the time! LOL!

Answer 6

A Lady at a party after getting offended, listening to a semi drunk Winston Churchill:
"Sir, if I were your wife, I'd put poison in your tea!"
Churchill: "Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it!"

One from my old Army DI.
"What are you getting for Christmas, Sergeant?"
"Same thing I got last year, probably. A sirt and a piece of ***. And they'll both be two sizes too big."
And another, same DI: "I taught Rambo everything he knows!"

Answer 7

"In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window. "

Rodney Dangerfield in the movie Back to School.

Answer 8

I'm an American and I expect a little cancer in my food and water.

Answer 9

If I'm not back in five minutes... just wait longer.

Answer 10

if you live life close to the edge, you fall off once in awhile.

Answer 11

You ain't got a forehead, you gotta five-head..... i bet when you have dreams you don't have dreams you have movies!