Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

what did da ant say to his girlfriend (the elephant) when his father was comming that way?
the ant said "hide behind me sweetheart!"

2006-10-09 02:01:26 · 12 answers · asked by fresh_new_attitude 1

This old lady goes into the local taxidermist and tells him that her old cat has died after 12 years and she wants it stuffed.

The taxidermist looks at it and say's " No problems, would you like it mounting"

The old lady say's " Oh no! just sitting on it's backside as normal"

2006-10-09 01:58:49 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

This fellow went to the job centre for a job in the NHS and the man behind the desk said they had a job in Glasgow as a Assistant Gynecologist.

The fellow say's "What involved with the job"

The man reply's " You'll have to help prepare and shave some lady's southern region?"

The fellow say's eagerly " I'll take it, what do I do next!"

The man say's " Go to Edinburgh for 9am on Monday"

"But the job is in Glasgow" the fellow said.

"Aye! that right but the line fo the job starts there" said the man at the job centre.

2006-10-09 01:56:40 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-09 01:55:06 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two babies in a pram and one say's to the other "Are you a wee boy or girl".

The other baby reply's "I don't know, how can you tell"

So the first baby looks under the covers of the pram and say's " Your a girl and I'm a boy"

The girl say's "How can you tell"

And the boy say's " Easy! I've got blue boots on and you have pink ones"

2006-10-09 01:54:37 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

a tricycle or a thermostat?

2006-10-09 01:53:25 · 15 answers · asked by markhatter 6

a german or a teasmade?

2006-10-09 01:52:39 · 16 answers · asked by markhatter 6

a hobgoblin or a jackass?

2006-10-09 01:52:05 · 8 answers · asked by markhatter 6

A pregnant blue eyed hippo with elephant ears????

I HAVE!!!!!

2006-10-09 00:55:22 · 30 answers · asked by Bruza 17/uk 3

2006-10-09 00:47:59 · 25 answers · asked by matthew b 1

Duncan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and
passionately in love.

For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled
over to Duncan in tears.

"We can't see each other anymore".... she sobbed.

"Why?" gasped Duncan.

"Daddy says that crabs are too common" she wailed. "He claims you are a mere
crab and a poor one at that, and that crabs are the lowest class of
crustacean and that no daughter of his will marry someone that can only walk
sideways"

Duncan was shattered, and scuttled away into the darkness to drink himself
into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.

That night, the Great Lobster Ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far
and wide, dancing and merry making but the Lobster Princess refused to join
in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.

Suddenly the door burst open, and Duncan the crab strode in.

The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King
rose from his throne. Slowly, painstakingly, Duncan the crab made his way
across the floor....... and all could see that he was walking, not
sideways..... but forwards... Yes FORWARDS, one claw after another!!

Step by step he made his approach towards the throne until he finally looked
King lobster in the eye.

There was a deadly hush..........................

For quite a while.......................

Finally the crab spoke.....................


"F**k I'm pissed!" he said.

2006-10-09 00:46:57 · 18 answers · asked by ztt_66 2

a sock or a courgette?

2006-10-09 00:26:54 · 36 answers · asked by markhatter 6

2006-10-09 00:25:27 · 6 answers · asked by Little Mark 2

The other day my little boy came home from school, and said "daddy we're learning to count using real fruit "" what a good idea"I said, whats two apples add three apples. "I dunno" he said, "were doing Oranges this week".

2006-10-09 00:09:37 · 11 answers · asked by brillo 3

2006-10-09 00:08:46 · 8 answers · asked by FAISAL 5

mine was at tesco's(supermarket if you dont live in the uk), my boyfriend drop kicked (gently coz im a girl) me to the floor and started dragging me by my feet around the aisles. Im still trying to figure out a way for revenge, any ideas?

2006-10-09 00:02:56 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

other than helium...

2006-10-08 23:59:07 · 31 answers · asked by Bruza 17/uk 3

There was a guy who could juggle absolutely anything. One day, he was doing his speciality act, juggling old german helmets (them with the spikes on top), when one slipped, and stuck in his arm. he was rushed to hospital and admitted to the***** Gerry-Hat-Trick-ward.

2006-10-08 23:35:10 · 13 answers · asked by brillo 3

A man walks up to you and says - "everything I say to you is a lie."
Is he telling you the truth or is he lying?

2006-10-08 23:17:51 · 29 answers · asked by vishaldsh 2

And no treasure...

..I went to canary island, and not canaries!

...I went to the virgin island.. & guess what? ...fokol virgins!

2006-10-08 23:01:38 · 12 answers · asked by Claude 6

JOKES:

0.A man trying to understand the nature of God asked him: “God, how long is a million years to you?”
God answered: “A million years is like a minute.”
Then the man asked: “God, how much is a million dollars to you?”
And God replied: “A million dollars is like a penny.”
Finally, the man asked: “God, could you give me a penny?”
And God said, “In a minute.”

1.What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.

2.Why is abbreviation such a long word ?

3.Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours.
I used to think that i was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.

STRANGE BUT TRUE :
1. The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.
2.You can’t kill yourself by holding your breath..
3. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
4.The “sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick” is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
5.People say “Bless you” when you sneeze because when you sneeze,your heart stops for a millisecond.

2006-10-08 22:49:35 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A house caught fire, there we 15 members stuck there,
One fellow escaped 4 peoples . Later that fellow was put in the Jail
Why ?

2006-10-08 22:07:17 · 18 answers · asked by vishaldsh 2

1. A train and a car are travelling at 70mph, they both cross the same level crossing at exactly the same time, but they don’t crash…Why?

2. A flat on the 10th floor is locked. There is glass and water all over the floor near the window which is wide open. Gracie and Bob are dead on the floor…How did they die?


3. A plane crashes literally on the border of 4 different countries. 165 passengers are dead, so thinking about the politics which country do you bury the survivors in?

4. Can you decipher this:-
“11 was 1 Grey hound, 22 was 12, 1111 Race, 22112”

5. A perfectly healthy man, physically & mentally, dies in the centre of a Wheat Field. There was no one else around when he died…So what killed him?

6. Insert either of the Standard mathematical symbols + - X / to complete the following sum. 10 10 10 = 9.50

2006-10-08 22:05:15 · 8 answers · asked by ? 3

As many are aware, the French government recently announced a raise in its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The normal level is "General Arrogance", and the only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert: Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "Ineffective combat operations" and "Change sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdain" to "Dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher levels: "Invade a neighbour" and "Lose".

Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from "Isolationism" to "Find another oil-rich nation for regime change". Their remaining higher alert states are "Attack random countries (ideally those without any credible military)" and "Beg the British for help".

The British are also feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666.

2006-10-08 20:56:12 · 4 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

ok...take a calculator/paper&pencil to help you find the answer...because the answer is a number...

a bus start its journey from bus station "A" with 12 passengers at 7 am

brumm..brumm.. the bus arrived at bus station "B" 78 minutes later...
the bus drop 8 passengers and take 4 passengers...

brumm..brumm..brumm.. the bus continue the journey and arrived at bus station "C"
23 minutes later...
the bus take 7 passenger and drop 8 passenger...

brumm..brumm.. the bus go to the bus station "D" 1 hour later
the bus take 10 people and drop no one...

brumm..brumm.. the bus arrived at bus station "E" 18 minutes later...
the bus drop 15 passenger and take 9 passenger...

now the question is...
how many "brumm" are written on the question?? lol

2006-10-08 20:46:18 · 21 answers · asked by ranfile7 2

When I was younger I hated going to weddings....

Why?

Because every time, all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, "You're next!"

I finally figured out how to get them to stop.

I started doing the exact same thing to them -- at funerals.

2006-10-08 20:27:15 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

OMG! I've been using WInamp for a while, is it a false media player? Have I been cheated by winamp.com?

2006-10-08 20:23:19 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Get Me The Manager
A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.

"Are you the owner?"

she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands."No" he replies, "I''m just the manager."

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him."

She asks, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.

"I''m afraid I can''t," breathes the manager clearly aroused," he''s in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message."

She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

2006-10-08 20:14:26 · 13 answers · asked by scousey1505 1

10) "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." --LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

9) "Let me put it to you bluntly. In a changing world, we want more people to have control over your own life." --Annandale, Va, Aug. 9, 2004

8) "I've reminded the prime minister -- the American people, Mr. Prime Minister, over the past months that it was not always a given that the United States and America would have a close relationship." --Washington, D.C., June 29, 2006

7) "The truth of that matter is, if you listen carefully, Saddam would still be in power if he were the president of the United States, and the world would be a lot better off." --Second presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004

6) "See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda." --Greece, N.Y., May 24, 2005

5) "They misunderestimated me." --Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000

4) "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" --Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

3) "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." --Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

2) "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." --Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

1) "There ought to be limits to freedom" -- Response to a parody web site, May 1999.

2006-10-08 20:09:08 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two elderly friends, Bill and Sam, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it, figuring maybe he had a cold or some such.

But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day Sam approached the park and lo and behold there sat Bill!

Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"

Bill replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail?" cried Sam!! "What in the world for?"

"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the diner where we sometimes get coffee?"

Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well last month she charged me with sex assault and I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty' -- and the judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

2006-10-08 20:07:22 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous