All categories - 20 November 2006

2006-11-20 06:26:21 · 3 answers · asked by maskmanmikep@verizon.net 1 in Car Audio

How to avoid having your *** beaten by an expectant mother

1) Do NOT touch her stomach without permission.

You are not her husband or her OB/GYN. No matter what you think, you aren’t touching the baby within. You, you pervert, are touching her. An old lady in 7-11 lost the feeling in the fingers when she had the nerve to reach out and touch someone.


2) Do NOT share horror stories of pregnancy and childbirth.

She knows what might go wrong; she has a doctor who can explain these things to her. She does not need to know that everyone you know had a horrible time during pregnancy, labor, and childbirth. So do not, at any time graphically reenact the stitching of an episiotomy at her baby shower while saying things like “I tore so bad the doctor was down there for hours!” Also, refrain from talking about the three-headed baby you saw on the Discovery Channel. She has access to TV and the internet, she can find that crap if she so desires.


3) Do NOT ask her when she’s going to have another baby.

This is grounds for immediate execution. My nurse asked me this as she was pushing my wheelchair to the recovery room, after 12 hours of labor and two hours of pushing. I jabbed my IV needle into her eye and laughed hysterically. Oddly, I was never prosecuted.


4) Do NOT tell her, when you see her eating, that she must be eating for two.

Pregnant women need to eat just like everyone else. Just because she’s having a burger does not mean that she’s been stuffing her face all day and is making a pig of herself. The resident moron in my office told me this constantly. His body has not yet been found.


5) Do NOT tell her tales of whoa experienced by those who have babies.

If she’s a smart woman, she’s read a book or two. She knows babies cry. She knows babies get up every few hours. She does not need to hear how your demon child vomited split pea soup every 45 minutes and didn’t sleep more than 2 hours at a time until they were 10. Everyone’s different, that’s why pants come in all sizes and lengths.


6) Do NOT ask her if she plans to breastfeed.

It’s none of your business and she doesn’t need your opinion on why she should or should not to this. Her body, her baby, her choice. Providing her with 25 pages of statistical information is only going to make her want to run you down while you aren’t looking. Also, refrain from describing, in minute detail, how cracked and sore breastfeeding made your breasts and how impossible it was for you and everyone you know to do it. Again, everyone is different. See #5 for further explanation.


7) Do NOT mutter the word “hormones” after she has said/done something.

Sure, her hormones are probably a little wacky, but this is not your excuse to announce it to everyone. Quiet possibly you did one of the other no-nos on this list and pissed her off. Therefore, she did or said something that seemed rude. Maybe she just doesn’t like you. Maybe you are a jerk and she meant to tell you off. Maybe you are the old lady in #1 who just didn’t get it after three warnings so you got screamed at by a tiny but very pregnant woman.


8) Do NOT try to guess the due date or how many months pregnant she is.

If you guess too far ahead, she’ll assume that she looks horrible and fat. That is not emotional stress that she needs. Also, do not compare her to how you or anyone else looked during the same stage of pregnancy. She does not need to know that your best friend’s girlfriend’s dog sitter weighed 15 lbs less and didn’t wear maternity clothes until she was 8 months pregnant. She’ll be permitted to beat you senseless with the closest blunt object if you refuse to show a little tact.


9) Do NOT make fun of her weight.

Comments like: “Hi fatty!” or “Look how big you’ve gotten!” or “You look like you could go any day now!” should never be uttered in her presence or anyone’s presence for that matter. She’s aware she’s gaining weight. She’s the pregnant one wearing the pants with the expandable waist. She gets weighed on a monthly basis. Besides, pregnant doesn’t make you fat, it expands your middle to make room for a baby. She’s probably unhappy about her expanding waistline and doesn’t need you pointing it out, making her the butt of a joke. If this happens, be prepared for a retaliatory jab, “I’m pregnant, what’s your excuse?” while you are surrounded by a group of other people who can laugh at your expense, fatso.


10) Do NOT describe how horrible a woman looks after giving birth.

Any good book or doctor will be able to inform her of the possibility of a saggy belly and breasts, varicose veins, etc. She does not need to hear about how your feet grew three sizes and your breasts shrank three sizes and now hang to your knees. Your new bodily functions or the loss of them should be kept to yourself. If you do choose to share these things, the pregnant woman will be permitted to use them in social situations in the future.

2006-11-20 06:26:19 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous in Newborn & Baby

explain please

2006-11-20 06:26:18 · 17 answers · asked by Baha o 1 in Marriage & Divorce

2006-11-20 06:26:17 · 3 answers · asked by choongting 1 in Psychology

Or Subway....

2006-11-20 06:26:12 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous in Polls & Surveys

workplace pranks. I think I've started a joke war here at work.

2006-11-20 06:26:00 · 11 answers · asked by Hando C 4 in Polls & Surveys

2006-11-20 06:25:53 · 3 answers · asked by Jack B 1 in Software

My husband and I have been trying to concieve for about 3 months. The last couple of days I have been really nauseaous. I have also had a headache (but I'm quitting sodas cold turkey) and My boobs hurt. According to my ovulation calendar I should get my period on the 25th. Do you think it is too early to take a first response test? I can wait but I'm a little impatient because I want it so bad.

2006-11-20 06:25:52 · 15 answers · asked by Who Me? 4 in Trying to Conceive

2006-11-20 06:25:52 · 2 answers · asked by btex37 1 in Printers

I have a very low self estime, which I am working on, but I want to be in a commited relationship that will someday lead to marrige. Do you think it is no longer a posibility for a woman that will b turning 28 soon with a 9 yr child.

2006-11-20 06:25:52 · 15 answers · asked by castillo5247 2 in Marriage & Divorce

Before - http://i9.tinypic.com/30d9lkj.jpg

After (now) - http://i7.tinypic.com/2moy0yc.jpg and http://i15.tinypic.com/43yt6z7.jpg

I like it, but am slowly starting not to b/c every single person in school and family is telling me how horrible/fake it looks. I wish I could just block everything out and be more confident.

Honest Opinions - I know a lot of people are going to say i should have just stuck to my original color and should have been happy with it but i really want change. Is there something else i could do with it to look better?

2006-11-20 06:25:51 · 15 answers · asked by BCDoerrer 2 in Hair

2006-11-20 06:25:50 · 22 answers · asked by savvy s 2 in Religion & Spirituality

Because there seems to be alot of immature people on here.
You know which one(s) I'm talking about.

2006-11-20 06:25:39 · 23 answers · asked by Death Virus 6 in Polls & Surveys

can someone help me pls, i want to put different templates on different slides but whenever i choose a background for one slide all the other slides adopt the same background. What do i do?

2006-11-20 06:25:38 · 0 answers · asked by pioneer 2 in Software

ive been seeing this guy casually. we only meet up if we are out in town on the same nite. we live in different towns. hes texts me when hes out and i do the same. we only meet up by chance which can sometimes be weeks.we are not dating. he used to text me when i was in my previous relationship too.

i have only kissed this guy recently, despite him wanting to take things a little further. he always compliments me, buys me drinks and wants to be around me when we are together.i catch him looking at me too.

he asked if i was enjoying the single life and i said yes.

i was in his town this weekend so i text him to see if he was out. he wasnt. we started to flirt with eachother thro our text messages. he told me to let him know in advance when i was coming to his town next time.

i told him that i fancy him and asked him when he was going to ask me out on a date?he said he thinks hes around next saturday.thats how it was left.

does he really like me?

2006-11-20 06:25:35 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous in Singles & Dating

Do you think O.J. Simpson should be allowed to sell his book?
I think he should be denyed the right simply because he is making a mockery of the death of 2 people and he is seen on T.V. laughing and joking as he talks about it.
I have no doubt in my mind he kkilled them and now just because he got away with it he gets to sell a book on "how" he did it?
What kind of world are we living in?

2006-11-20 06:25:34 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous in Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender

i honestly think that the minimun wage is what it is because so many illegal immigrants will work for that just to cut the throat of a hard working american citizen that can not live off of $5.15/h.what do u think?

2006-11-20 06:25:33 · 7 answers · asked by 'HUMVEE' 5 in Immigration

When we were volunteering to teach children in a sunday school in our temple, we read a religious story and invited questions from children. A nine year old girl raised this question as to why we should pray?
We did not want to give her a wrong answer, or give her an answer which she could not understand. We also wish to give her a complete answer without leading her to ask further questions to understand our answer. I posed the question to the parents and adults in the congregation, I posed the same question to the teachers and preachers of religion and all their answers were either disconnected to the question or too complicated. I am seeking for a short, precise, complete and simple answer which a 9 year old child could understand.

2006-11-20 06:25:25 · 9 answers · asked by Arunachalesa 3 in Religion & Spirituality

Sign in a Laundromat AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Outside a photographer's studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

Notice in a dry cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

2006-11-20 06:25:24 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous in Jokes & Riddles

this is really complicated but .....i think ihave located where my birth mother is and last last time i seen my sister she was 1 and I was 5 so I dont think she would remember I have pictures! but i dont think she knows I exist. My mother never wanted to have ne thing to do with me after my grandmother past. She doesn't talk to anyone in the family. Nobody wants to tho. I would like to , i want some answers. i wanna know who my birth father is!! a name would be nice. its not like she never knew where i was living. no birthday cards nothing! how can someone just give there child away.. (because her boyfriend now husband did wanna raise another mans kid) so i was told i dont know who to believe or what to believe.

Im just afriad of goin there and having the door slammed into my face. that would tare me apart inside even more

2006-11-20 06:25:23 · 1 answers · asked by mizzmom 1 in Family

2006-11-20 06:25:23 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous in Dancing

Well this 1 is really hard cuz they both are very beautiful women, but if I had to choose, I'd pick Beyonce

2006-11-20 06:25:14 · 23 answers · asked by (¯`·._) Kentrell (¯`·._) 2 in Celebrities

My girlfriend and I have a bet about the lyric of being on the darker side of town

2006-11-20 06:25:13 · 3 answers · asked by freesiahigh7814 3 in Music

2006-11-20 06:25:04 · 9 answers · asked by j b 1 in Religion & Spirituality

also, what kind of agent for tv commercials, tv shows and film? Is it a Commercial Agent and again how do I find one in my area?

p.s. I'm over 35 years old so I wonder if that will be more difficult?

2006-11-20 06:25:04 · 1 answers · asked by Tia L 1 in Theater & Acting

I need a program where you can just plug in an keyboard, play something, and the notes come right up on the computer program, or something similar. I know it's out there somewhere, i just don't know what it's called, or how to get it. help please!!

2006-11-20 06:25:04 · 2 answers · asked by hakandragon 2 in Software

2006-11-20 06:25:00 · 10 answers · asked by *********** 4 in Birds

Also, does Cody, Elise, and Kara all sound good together? Lol. I love the name Kara but I can't think of a middle name that goes well with it.

2006-11-20 06:24:58 · 34 answers · asked by Kallie 4 in Baby Names

2006-11-20 06:24:57 · 7 answers · asked by Chad C 1 in Football (American)