how does one go about seeking change from a lifestyle they have engaged so willingly in for an extended period of time? it wasn't always this way, let me ensure you, i once experienced the most amazing of things. however, i cannot imagine life any other way at this point in time. change, salvation, and contentness has become an abstraction. my desire for something so much more lingers, however is it truly strong enough to evoke an alteration of my ways? of my life?
at times, i feel satisified with where i am, as if i could live here for the rest of my life and that would be okay, but other times i feel my soul screaming that if i don't make a u-turn the road is going to take me someplace miserable. someplace i once refuted, a place i swore i would never encounter in my days. should one block out those occasional, but revenant, thoughts that this path may be heading toward the opposite direction? or should one evaluate their own self and understand the need for change? perhaps that may be the solution, but surely not the easy one. to live a life of doubt, even if it may be hidden in the smallest part of ones soul, only big enough to reveal itself episodically, should one continue to pursue such a questionable and doubtful course of existence?
at one time, if this question were posed to me, i would have a sure and steadfast answer. now, however, my mind wanders and thoughts that were once clear to me have become blurred abstractions that i am no longer able to distinguish. what truly induces such changes in the human mind and in the human heart? why have i become indistinct in my desires when there was a point in time when i felt that such vagueness and impreciseness was completely behind me. i had all of the answers regarding my past, present and future being. i understood and accepted the stipulation for all of my past experiences, i understood who i was now, and perhaps most importantly, i understood where i was going. now, conversely, i have no insight on the preceding questions.
perhaps there is a conclusion to be drawn here. perhaps the certainties and assurances that we are familiar with are, in contrast, false apparitions and illusions used by the brain to convince oneself that everything will be alright. perhaps there are no certainties in life. conveivably those who feel they have everything figured out will, in do time, come to the realization that sureness is just the minds way of keeping things simple, the minds way of refusing to accept change and an erroneous lifestyle. i suppose that that time has come for me, and i must now acknowledge that change is the only constant during this crazy, mixed up course of being which we must all endure until our time has come. Confidence, my friend, is a misleading notion, a fallacy, and to posses such a trait is both foolish and blinding for the mind, soul, and body.
someone please send me the answer to life and the answer as to how to achieve the most minute, yet vivid and mesmerizing, desires of the human heart without falsifying the way in which this world truly works.
2007-01-27
10:41:21
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10 answers
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asked by
mrs. miller
2