Now I was emptied of any feelings. A few months ago I was sinking into day-dreams full of desire... I had a need to see him, to hear him, to talk to him. Not now. It was as if I had been tired of these feelings, drained out of all energy for this desire. Tired and fed up. If I had been next to him now, I wouldn’t have been able to talk to him, I would have probably curled up like a cat when she needs sleep and put my tired self to sleep. It was strange for me to realize I was feeling nothing at all. I was too tired even to think about him during the day. In a way I felt a little disgusted with myself above all. How could I say such things, how could I behave in such a way, how could I accept to spend time with him? I couldn’t remember. It was someone else who did all those things, not me. In the meantime I had become someone else and perhaps it was a good excuse to move on and leave everything behind. Feelings, memories, man and all.
I had known for about a year now about his dark past. A past he had been hiding from me. I never cared about that really, in a couple of months I had discovered everything anyway... But I felt I could forgive everything and even did that. I pretended not to known anything and excused all his lies. I never brought up my knowledge of his dark past. I thought it would have been embarrassing to him and maybe it would have ruined everything we had for over one year...
I could not feel any jealousy, as I was analysing myself. I didn’t care about his former flames. All that mattered to me was the here and now, no matter how little it lasted. I had no pretense for it to last long...
...And now... where was it all? All the feelings which have made me feel alive? Perhaps I only needed to take a break from it all and then resume it.
2007-01-20
20:37:50
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2 answers
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Analyst
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