I feel like I am caught in a quandary that has pretty much immobilized me and prevented me from moving on with my life.
I have been extremely angry with a person for some hurtful things he said and did shortly after the death of someone important to both of us several years ago. Other people involved in the situation agree that this person was wrong, even cruel. At the time I tried to make amends, but this person's attitude made that impossible. Eventually I stopped communicating with him because I just couldn't deal with him and needed to focus on myself.
However, distancing myself did not bring peace. Instead, I have found myself struggling with a sense of guilt and shame over the collapse of our relationship. I have almost irrational feelings that I should be a better person, that I am the bad person in this situation, that I don't deserve to enjoy life or be happy. Mind you, people who know me would be surprised to hear this as I keep it to myself. I am able to make it through the day at work and enjoy time with friends, but the instant I go through my front door I feel the weight of the world crushing down on me.
Much of the problem is that this person is a narcissist. True reconciliation would be impossible because there is no such thing as a two-way street in his mind. If I were to tell him I forgave him, he would act like he didn't know what I was talking about. After all, he could never admit to himself, let alone anyone else, that he had ever done anything wrong. Likewise, he would never forgive another person because that would mean admitting the other person actually affected him.
Another part of the problem is that this person is getting on in years and is ill. From all reports, his illness has not changed his personality or attitude. If anything, it has made him worse. Nevertheless, I dread thinking about how I would feel if I didn't forgive him before he died.
How do I go about forgiving this person and relieving myself of this burden when, every time I think about it, I become so angry? Is forgiveness a thing of the heart? Or must I tell him I forgive him in order to truly forgive him?
2006-07-24
12:28:36
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20 answers
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asked by
Nellie Nobody
1