How do I forgive another person?

Question

I feel like I am caught in a quandary that has pretty much immobilized me and prevented me from moving on with my life.

I have been extremely angry with a person for some hurtful things he said and did shortly after the death of someone important to both of us several years ago. Other people involved in the situation agree that this person was wrong, even cruel. At the time I tried to make amends, but this person's attitude made that impossible. Eventually I stopped communicating with him because I just couldn't deal with him and needed to focus on myself.

However, distancing myself did not bring peace. Instead, I have found myself struggling with a sense of guilt and shame over the collapse of our relationship. I have almost irrational feelings that I should be a better person, that I am the bad person in this situation, that I don't deserve to enjoy life or be happy. Mind you, people who know me would be surprised to hear this as I keep it to myself. I am able to make it through the day at work and enjoy time with friends, but the instant I go through my front door I feel the weight of the world crushing down on me.

Much of the problem is that this person is a narcissist. True reconciliation would be impossible because there is no such thing as a two-way street in his mind. If I were to tell him I forgave him, he would act like he didn't know what I was talking about. After all, he could never admit to himself, let alone anyone else, that he had ever done anything wrong. Likewise, he would never forgive another person because that would mean admitting the other person actually affected him.

Another part of the problem is that this person is getting on in years and is ill. From all reports, his illness has not changed his personality or attitude. If anything, it has made him worse. Nevertheless, I dread thinking about how I would feel if I didn't forgive him before he died.

How do I go about forgiving this person and relieving myself of this burden when, every time I think about it, I become so angry? Is forgiveness a thing of the heart? Or must I tell him I forgive him in order to truly forgive him?

Answer 1

You don't need to ask his forgiveness for ANYTHING. If you want to forgive him, let the hurt and anger go. From everything you've said, anything you would do directly to/with this person would be for nothing. YOU have got to get past this because, trust me, the situation is not bothering him one little bit. You are entitled to the feelings you had after the death, and now you need to release everything. This person has power over you because you won't let it go. He is a person just as you are. He's made mistakes, you've made mistakes. Let it go. You have nothing to gain by holding on any longer. Give yourself permission to let it go. You've done all you can.

Answer 2

It sounds like you well on your way to forgiveness already. The person you are talking about almost surly has had a harsh life at some point. Think of every good thing about that person you can. And if you ever get the chance tell them of several of the good quality's you have seen in them. That will let them know you have forgave them with out having to bring the subject up and having them admit they were wrong. Some people never can admit that to others even when they know in their heart they were. You can like and even love someone as long as you can get over the hurt they caused you. Remind your self that they are not perfect any more than you are. They may just outwardly show their imperfections more than others. I wish you the best of luck and God bless.

Answer 3

Perhaps if you know this person would be angry if you told him you forgive him (especially if they're under the assumption that they've done nothing wrong), the best thing to do would be to approach and ask instead for their forgiveness. I had someone come up to me in my place of worship and say something absolutely horrible to me regarding a malicious rumor that my ex-husband started about me. At first I was shocked and very upset. Then I thought about the situation for a while. The man and I had never even talked in the 5 years that I had been worshipping there. I looked at it from a different perspective. If I had been doing what I should - basically being neighborly and putting forth the effort to know him instead of being too busy with those I knew well and felt comfortable with - perhaps he would have known that what he was told was untrue. He approached me the following week and apologized, but I stopped him in his tracks when I apologized to him as well, stating what I just wrote above. My point is, if you truly have feelings of guilt and you miss your friend, go to him/her and apologize for letting things go as far as they have...or point out that the death of a loved one often causes people to act irrationally and that you really miss having him/her in your life.

Answer 4

you don't have to do anything. You already tried to reconcile and he declined it. Why are you so stuck on this person? You shouldn't have any guilt over what happened between you and this person. Know that you tried and he didn't want it. You didn't fail. Just because he decided not to engage in any type of conversation where the two of you go beyond what happened towards a more understanding and cooperative place does not mean you failed. It just means he doesn't want the same thing you want.

If you tried to reconcile, that means you have already forgiven him. You don't have to go try to do anything else. You did what you set out to do. Leave it at that. Just part ways and know that deep in your mind, at least you were able to turn your back on him on good terms. You didn't curse him or throw him away. You acknowledged that there was no future between you and him. Not as friends and not as acquaintances. You can leave him with a humble heart knowing you did your part. He has already made amends with himself to leave this world as a stubborn, ill-hearted, and cruel individual. You can't save him, but you already have forgave him.

Answer 5

Life is short and precious -- don't waste it. The only thing you need to do is move on with your own life. You have no responsibility to change a narcissist, forgive him, or put up with him. If at all possible, avoid contact; if contact is unavoidable, stand your ground, don't take any s*i* and tell him to shut up and leave you alone if he tries to cross the line. No need to go out of your way to punish, but also no need to go out of your way to put up with and smile through someone being cruel. Also, being old is not a way of earning respect as far as I am concerned. If anything, being an old a*s*o*e is proof that this type of person is a waste of oxygen on this planet, and probably should have left if long ago to make room for someone good. Tell the old jerk just what a waste of humanity you think he is, and I bet you'll feel like a ton of bricks is lifted off your shoulders.

Answer 6

You know...I get caught in places where I seem like I can never forgive a certain person and tend to distant myself from him/her and try to live with my life. Nevertheless, I'm sure it is very painful to you, but look at it this way. The Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, walked this earth with people betraying him left and right and every single time He was able to say "I love you, and I forgive you." The Lord died on the cross so we can make a choice to live the next day knowing by salvation that we can and will go to Heaven if we surrender our life to Him. Jesus died on the cross for you and others, even though we are sinners and desever to go to Hell. The least you can do is forgive this person just for "hurting" you. The Lord loves you, and if you are saved and know you are going to Heaven, then forgive. You will be able to live your life without this burden any longer. May the Lord be with you during this troubled time.

Answer 7

It's like this: If I am raped today, I can in time forgive the rapist. However, that doesn't mean I need to knock on his door and say here I am do it to me again. Forgiving someone doesn't mean you put yourself in the same situation to be hurt again. If he is a hateful person that is, as you say, a narcissist; then keeping your distance is in your best interest. You don't tempt an alcoholic with alcohol. Thereby, you don't tempt a person like this with a vulnearable potential victim that he can abuse. Forgiving doesn't mean what they did was okay. Forgiving is a gift to you from God. Not forgiving someone is a self imprisonment. Eventually you will forgive. But don't put yourself in a situation that you will get hurt again.

Answer 8

You need to be honest with this person and tell them how you feel ESPECIALLY because it bothers you so deeply. Don't expect a response but if this person is worth your forgiveness they will come back to you for further discussion and hopefully reconciliation. Forgiveness takes self confidence too. Think about why this person means so much to you and what values that you hold dear that were broken by this person.
I wish you and your friendship the best especially because he's ill.

Answer 9

In my experience forgiveness is an act of God's grace on your heart. You are experiencing the inevitable pain of resentment. Resentment never really hurts the other person. From your description, he may not even be aware of it. Even if he is, he may not care. So I am glad you are looking to be rid of this poison in your life.

The only way I know to be rid of resentment is to say the following prayer every time you think of him: "God, I pray that will be given all the happiness, joy and peace of mind that I so desperately want in my life."

Say that every time he comes to mind. Try to say it before any other negative thoughts come into your mind. I know you probably won't mean it at first, if ever. Doesn't matter. The important thing is that you will be freed of the resentment and let go from prison of your own mind.

God bless you & be with you.

Answer 10

In my experience, the best way to forgive someone is to ask for their forgiveness first. Go to him and confess you've sinned because of the degree of your anger and your spirit of unforgiveness; remember, we are to "be angry, but do not sin" and "forgive as you've been forgiven." You MUST truly mean it, so I advise seeking God in fervent prayer before you go to this man.

When he sees your broken spirit, he'll probably feel safe enough to beg your forgiveness, too. But then again, he might not. But at least you've done your part, right?

You see, a long standing spirit of unforgiveness is a cancer in the soul. Unless you cut the cancer out, you will never be able to heal.