When I was growing up I had a very violent and drug abuser dad. I loved him dearly, but I was terrified of him. He made child hood a living hell. He would make my mom take us to something as simple as a restaraunt and he would be so messed up...and people would just stare at us. It made me so angry. Then he was in jail more times than I can count, and when we would go visit him you could just see the sympathy in the cops eyes which made me even more angry. I was 8 years old and I wanted NOBODY to feel sorry for me. It got to the point that we didn't even have a home. I had to use the bathroom on a pile of cement blocks that my mom stacked up out back of an abandoned burnt down house we slept in.
Then, when I was 12 my mom divorced my dad. Then she started to date a man who had been convicted of rape. He was a horrible person always trying to turn my mom against me. One night, at 2:00 in the morning when we were taking him home drunk he tried to hit me. That was it for me...I got out of the car and walked to my mamaw's house. The thing that hurt me most though was the fact that my mom didn't come after me. She just let me go....2:00 in the morning in a bad part of town she let her 12 year old daughter walk by herself.
Then, after a 1 1/2 years of my mom dating him she finally got rid of him and wanted me to come back home. The only reason for this though is because he got put in prison for 5 years for selling drugs to minors. And then, within the period of about 2 years 4 people I loved heart and soul died. My mamaw, my great uncle, my papaw and then on my 14th birthday my dad died from a drug overdose. And what I keep thinking about is the fact that my dad died alone by himself....it breaks my heart every time, so I can't think about it.
Now, that of course isn't all of my story but just a few highlights. My problem is the fact that I think I'm afraid to love a man. I've just seen so many things fail that I'm determined not to let that happen to me. I'm 18 and never even went out on a date because out of all the guys that have asked me I always turn them down. I don't know why I do this, and I'm afraid that I won't ever let my self love.
So, what do you think I should do? Any advice or anything would be appreciated greatly. Thank you.
2006-09-04
07:11:09
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17 answers
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asked by
Led*Zep*Babe
5
in
Other - Family & Relationships