I think I've let my past give me a hard heart......?

Question

When I was growing up I had a very violent and drug abuser dad. I loved him dearly, but I was terrified of him. He made child hood a living hell. He would make my mom take us to something as simple as a restaraunt and he would be so messed up...and people would just stare at us. It made me so angry. Then he was in jail more times than I can count, and when we would go visit him you could just see the sympathy in the cops eyes which made me even more angry. I was 8 years old and I wanted NOBODY to feel sorry for me. It got to the point that we didn't even have a home. I had to use the bathroom on a pile of cement blocks that my mom stacked up out back of an abandoned burnt down house we slept in.

Then, when I was 12 my mom divorced my dad. Then she started to date a man who had been convicted of rape. He was a horrible person always trying to turn my mom against me. One night, at 2:00 in the morning when we were taking him home drunk he tried to hit me. That was it for me...I got out of the car and walked to my mamaw's house. The thing that hurt me most though was the fact that my mom didn't come after me. She just let me go....2:00 in the morning in a bad part of town she let her 12 year old daughter walk by herself.

Then, after a 1 1/2 years of my mom dating him she finally got rid of him and wanted me to come back home. The only reason for this though is because he got put in prison for 5 years for selling drugs to minors. And then, within the period of about 2 years 4 people I loved heart and soul died. My mamaw, my great uncle, my papaw and then on my 14th birthday my dad died from a drug overdose. And what I keep thinking about is the fact that my dad died alone by himself....it breaks my heart every time, so I can't think about it.

Now, that of course isn't all of my story but just a few highlights. My problem is the fact that I think I'm afraid to love a man. I've just seen so many things fail that I'm determined not to let that happen to me. I'm 18 and never even went out on a date because out of all the guys that have asked me I always turn them down. I don't know why I do this, and I'm afraid that I won't ever let my self love.

So, what do you think I should do? Any advice or anything would be appreciated greatly. Thank you.

Answer 1

Unfortunately I'm no psychologist, and that's the only type of person that will be able to help you in your current situation. Good luck, and I wish nothing but the best for you.

Answer 2

Give yourself time. Eighteen is still young for a relationship. Don't do what I did. I was unpopular with low self esteem. I ended up having a child and staying with a bum for 7 years when I was 18 because I was so worried that I would be alone forever that I settled for the first guy that paid attention to me.
Hindsight being 20/20, if I would have just held on and focussed on making a life for myself and becoming comfortable in my own skin, I would have been able to have a much better relationship.

Don't take dating too seriously. Relax, and realize that a date is for fun and to get to know yourself and other people. It's practice in a way. Don't let anyone pressure you into or out of dating whomever you want. However, be careful who you date. Really ask yourself why you want to date a particular person. The answer should be because you think you would have fun with this person.

Whenever someone asks you out, how does it make you feel? Let yourself have feelings and listen to your heart. Always use your brain to keep yourself safe. Get your heart broken and break a heart or two. You will find that it isn't the end of the world at all.

Good luck

Never date because you think you need to or have to, and always remember that you are the only person that can make you happy and that would be a wonderful thing to share with another person.

Answer 3

sI admit that your life has been hard. nobody should have to go through what you have gone through, but unfortunately that is life.I am not sure if I can answer your question but I would like to try to give you some advice if possible. there are millions of people in the world, some are bad but the majority are nice if given a chance, nobody is perfect and we all a fault of some sort, some are just worse than others. life is what you make of it and sometimes you just have to take a chance and go with your gut feelings. if you don't try you will never know. try to get to know a person by talking to their friends about them including ex girlfriends if you know any. try to find if they have a drinking,drug, or gambling problems as these can doom a relationship from the start.I wish you the best of luck in your life and remember that out there you have a soul mate if you give it a chance.if you would like to ask more I can be reached at www.rogers.com

Answer 4

I want to congratulate you for not following in your parents footsteps. You seem like you are a strong individual and that is good. The only advice anyone could possible give you is to open yourself up to a special guy a little bit at a time. You can't always hide from life disappoints. Some guys are going to break your heart but you have to learn and accept that is just a part of life and you can;t run forever. Honey I want to wish you the best in whatever you do. Good luck!

Answer 5

I would start going to a church, I would see a counseler. I would not date any men that show signs of being abusive, or drug users. I would look for things that have meaning in your life and what you want to become of it. Enroll in a college and become educated. There are grants and schollarships available for people in your situation that will pretty much pay for it. Spend the next 5 to 10 years learning about your life. Evenually you will find that special someone and God will lead you in the right direction.

Answer 6

I know that you don't want pity but. Its a shame that at such a young age you had to endure so much. But just remember that was your mother that chose to put up with all the bullshit from men, not you. You have choices to make in your life. The choices that you make will decide how your life will be. Take control of your life don't let a man control you. Find a good man that you can trust. One that respects you and understands you.Don't be afraid you are not your mother. Be strong.

Answer 7

You have amazing strength and fortitude - and wisdom beyond your years. Because of this, you have managed already to identify, and eradicate this destructive cycle from your OWN life, which is just beginning. My heart goes out to you!

I think the best advice I can give you is to contact "Chris Horn", and follow her advice. She, too, is a strong survivor like yourself, and as someone who has shared similar experiences, can help guide you towards a better future.

I, too, had a mostly crappy (and insecure) childhood, but it was nowhere near what the two of you had to endure. People who ALWAYS had it good can sympathize all they want, but unless or until they have had to walk in your shoes, they just can't relate.

DON'T harden your heart to love. You don't want to wind up alone at 50 like me. I wish you all the best life has to offer sweetie. God knows, you've already lived through hell!

Answer 8

I read your entire question, and as I did, I must admit, tears swelled up in my eyes. Parts of your sad story struck close to home, from my own life. I, too, had a terrible childhood, but I allowed a lady to love me, and most of the pain is gone. Yes, it's HARD to trust, next to impossible, but it can be done...as long as the person is trustworthy! Be careful, but allow yourself to love. The ends defintiely justify the means. Best of luck to you!

Answer 9

I think you should use your dad and the guy your mom was dating, as an example. Try to stay close to the guys who are more like you, and when you find mr. right- forget about your past and look to the future. And I am not sure about how you feel about councilors (they let me down when I was little, they made promises and then broke them)- maybe you should talk to one or even talk to one of your teachers.

Answer 10

You need to see a good counsellor. You sound like a good person even though these things have happened to you!!! Its too bad as well that your mother chose poorly, maybe there was some reason that she did that as well, do you know what was going on within her that she did this?? Good Luck to you.