First of all , may I say thank you to anyone who reads this until the end. Its a big factor in my life at the minute and I really feel like I need advice from people who do not know e emotionally.
I have no idea where to start so I will just type.
All through school I got top grades, I came out with 5A's and 6 B's at GCSE. I always knew what I wanted to do with my life; that was something within the medical profession and nursing seemed the right thing for me, so at age 14, my life was all planned out. I would stay on and do my A Levels, then go and get my nursing degree.
Or maybe not, I became depressed at aged 12, but now I was 15 it was a lot worse. I had to see psychochologists. I gave up on everything I ever enjoyed in life, all of a sudden I was no longer a member of youth clubs, and the choir, I gave up drum lessons, I wouldnt go out with friends, and things prety much stayed that way.
I tried at my A levels at college, give up. Went back to school to try, gave up, Went back one more time, gave up again.
So there I was , 17 years old, with fantastic GCSE's, no A Levels, and still a big drea of being a nurse. I decided to give A Levels one more attempt but was turned away. During that summer I lost 5 stone, and went down to 8 stone.
Speaking to a careers adviser I discovered there was another route into nursing, a diploma, which only required good GCSE results.`So I applied and got accepted and everything was fine until 6 months into the course, I had put on 2 stone, lost confidence and quit. There was my dream gone, again.
6 months later after putting on another 2 stone I tried again, and quit again after only 5 months.
Tried a third time, guess what? you guessed it, I quit again.
Everytime I quit , I gave the excuse "nursing wasnt for me", but its only these days I can admit that was no where near the truthful reason. The reason I quit was because I had no confidence and no self esteem.
So after all this quitting i put on more weight. Then in my eyes I went crazy, being told I should be admitted into hospital by a doctor but only refusing this. Depressed wasnt the word. Dead was more like it. No personality anymore, my life was in one room, and the internet was the only thing I had.
A bit of therapy seemed to work for a while, and then I spotted a job in a laboratory as a medical laboratory assistant. "oooo that sounds interesting, looking down microscopes" hmmmmm. not so accurate.
But anyway, I got that job, being chosen out of 75 people that applied. I have been there 2 months. And guess what? Yes , I want to quit. But it feels different this time, its got nothing to do with confidence, its simply because I hate it. Its not soething I want to do with the rest of my life.
I have been off "sick" for 4 weeks, I was actually sick for a few of the, but now Im feeling too down to go back, and the thought of going back depresses and stresses me out that much that I have come out in a rash, I have vomitted, I have had 2 panick attacks.
There are so many reasons why I dont want to go back
- I hate the job and I miss nursing too much
- My boss is not happy at all with me because I failed to meet the sickness policy because I never sent in sick notes or kept them informed.
- It depresses me so much and i literally cry on the way to work because I dont like the things I have to do. My job is to throw out old specimens which range from a piece of skin, to an organ, to a limb!, I have to drain off the chemical they are in, then fill up a bucket of specimens. Its disgusting, sometimes its even a colon full of ****! When im not doing this, im labelling. How exciting.
Nothing, NOTHING in my job even comes close to how interesting nursing was.
What im writing this for is because I need to read it myself a few times to see if I can make sense of what I want to do with my life.
Why do I keep quitting?
If I went into nursing now would I quit again?
I cannot express the feeling I feel right now because I have to go into work tomorrow, I cant imagine how I am going to feel in the morning.
Should work make me feel like that?
Is life too short to fee like that? or
Is it just a fact of life that I have to work no matter if it makes me feel so bad.
This post doesnt feel like it has a purpose, it feels like I have just let my head and heart type. But if anyone can see any sense or any direction, advice, opinions in any of it then please help, and please be as blunt as you can possibly be.
Should I work tomorrow? OR should I apply one more time for the thing I have always wanted to do?
2007-01-28
14:59:35
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2 answers
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asked by
jemma c
2