I have a mental disorder, or at least I’ve been diagnosed with one. I know this to be true but I feel as though there might be something more going on with my body. The disorder is hypomania but my symptoms do not match that which I have looked up in the medical fields and what my doctor has told me. Recently, a close friend of mine mentioned demonic possession and I began to wonder. Could this be something I have?
I don’t know really how to explain what happens to me when I have an attack. Time distorts and seems to be super fast and super slow at the same time. I have flashbacks of terrible memories that twist into horrible fantasies. Like I am watching memories of bad things happening to me or that I am doing, but I don’t really remember them. Then I begin to see the things I can do like cutting myself open or other really bad things I don’t want to mention. I feel like there is another person inside of me that isn’t really a stranger. I once named this person Lizabethe because she is the embodiment of everything dark and evil inside myself. This is not to say I am pure good, it is just that she is so very bad. But at the same time she and I are the same person so I get confused. Tt feels like I become trapped inside my head but my mind expands so big that is like the universe or even bigger. I feel like I can see everything that is and was and will be but nothing at all. My mind races too fast for me to follow and it is like there are tiny fireworks in my head that explode and trigger another one and then explode and trigger another one again. There is this voice that taunts me in my head. It doesn’t sound like me but sometimes I am afraid it is me. It tells me horrible things. Things I should do and should not do. It calls me a liar and it says things that hurt so badly. I want to tell it to stop but it feels like I have no control of myself and no power over it. I see everything my body does but I can do nothing to stop it. I hate it. I hate having no control. I hate the things it makes me see and think and feel. I take medicine to stop it but sometimes it doesn’t help fast enough and I loose control.
This is also very embarrassing but I especially feel like this during mass. I want to be a good, religious person but I always feel like there is something bad inside of me. My mind drifts during the mass and I see all these sick things in my head. Sometimes it is like when you are on the edge of your seat getting ready to jump up and just do something – that is what I feel like. Sometimes I feel like I am about to start laughing and I always get this urge to do something bad like know over the fount of holy water or spit at the picture of Jesus or just something! I don’t know. But then there is always this feeling of not yet. Like it isn’t the right time for whatever it is. When – I tried to cut myself badly I couldn’t do it because I felt like there was a purpose some terrible purpose that I needed to do. Even when I am driving and start to do something bad so I can well die I get that feeling again. I know it sounds stupid but it is like there is a string or something tying me down and not letting me do – I don’t know.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve had my medication changed and I see my doctor but I don’t know if he really understands what happens to me. It is hard to talk about and lately when I have an attack something goes wrong in my throat and I can’t talk. Before I could talk a bit during an attack and that helped me stop it but now it is like there is an invisible hand around my throat that catches my words before they can make it to my mouth.
I am Catholic but not a very devout one and I – maybe it is just wishful thinking that there is someone who knows exactly what is wrong with me, but I didn’t think about it seriously until this friend mentioned it. He has seen a lot of scary things because of his job and I trust him but I was too afraid to tell him about this. I am just so tired of being dependent and of always being sick. I want to get better and something inside me doesn’t want to. I don’t want to be like this anymore.
I know this is probably the stupidest thing to say or post or whatever but I feel like I am getting worse and running out of options. Please any kind of help is good. Thanks.
~BNB
2007-08-18
08:53:18
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15 answers
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Religion & Spirituality