You Might Be A Conservative, IF...
... you watch the Rush Limbaugh show the same way your kid watches “Barney and Friends.”
... you complain about the “liberal media” (CBS, NBC, ABC, New York Times, etc.) on any of the numerous conservative political radio talk shows.
... you have a bumper sticker that says “Insured by Smith and Wesson.”
... you believe the hole in the ozone layer to be a myth created by crazy liberals.
... you fervently speak about the evils of marijuana at social gatherings with a vodka straight in hand.
... you believe the Constitution states that Christianity is our official religion.
... you believe that elected officials should have no immunity to laws that you yourself must abide by.
(Somewhere, a Liberal just muttered "Wait a second...")
... you think the words feminist and lesbian are synonyms.
... you fit any of Jeff Foxworthy’s “You might be a redneck if...”
... you believe every man, woman, and child should be armed to the teeth with AK-47’s, hand grenades, handguns, and any other weapon imaginable. Wait, that should read "You might be a Liberal if you actually think that Conservatives believe..."
... you believe in the importance of individual responsibility, and do not wish for the government to tell you how to live.
... you have faith in economic policies such as “trickle down economics.”
... you think that Michaelangelo’s David should be wearing boxers at the least.
... the hostess at the Sizzler knows you by name.
... you have a button that says “I’m not prejudiced, I hate everyone.”
... you can ask your daddy to bail you out when you lose hundreds of thousands of dollars from embezzling S&L’s.
... your get your opinions from an egocentric man named Rush who distorts facts consistently to fit his views.
... you obsessively impose your own morality upon others. Hmmm.. A common denominator...
... you ever wanted to amend the Constitution to make desecration of the flag illegal.
... you believe that if parents and teachers don’t mention sex to a child until s/he is 16, then s/he won’t even know it exists until then.
... you think it might be a good idea to don rubber gloves before shaking hands with a homosexual.
... you believe so strongly in the importance of equality that you are against giving groups of people special benefits based on their race or religion.
... you helped to ban Beavis from saying “fire,” yet keep a loaded handgun in the house.
... you think “proletariat” is a type of cheese.
... you’ve named your kids “Deduction one” and “Deduction two.”
... you’ve tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
... you’ve ever referred to someone as “my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend.”
... you’ve ever tried to argue that Jesus was a Capitalist.
... you’re a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
... you think Huey Newton is a cookie.
... the only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they’re richer than you.
... you understand that politicians are not gods, are human beings and are not better than you, and do not necessarily know what is best FOR you.
... you think you might remember laughing once as a kid.
... you once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.
... you’ve ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
... you understand the goodness of cultural diversity, but also realize the harm of mass illegal immigration.
... you’ve ever uttered the phrase, “Why don’t we just bomb the sons of bitches.”
... you’ve ever said, “I can’t wait to get into business school.”
... you actually think that there are people who own fully automatic AK-47’s for “hunting purposes.” (Actually, that should appear on the “You Might be a Liberal” list too...)
... you’ve ever called a secretary or waitress “Toots.”
... you answer to “The Man.”
... you use any of these terms to describe your wife: old ball and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit...
... you’ve ever yelled, “Hey hippie, get a haircut.”
... you think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.
... you argue that you need lots of handguns in case a bear ever attacks your home.
... you’ve ever said “Clean air? Looks clean to me.”
... you spent MLK Day reading “The Bell Curve.”
... you’ve ever called education a luxury.
... you realize that although taxation is necessary, you are over-taxed.
... you think that it’s arrogant and condescending when white people act as if African Americans couldn’t make it without their help.
... you wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.
... you came of age in the ‘60s and don’t remember Bob Dylan.
... you ever based an argument on the phrase, “Well, tradition dictates....”
... you’ve ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of pornographers.
... you think all artists are gay.
... you ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch “lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn’t want to contribute to society.”
... you’ve ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don’t even have shoes.
2007-08-06
09:00:05
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13 answers
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asked by
Raven
5
in
Politics