Am I wrong for being pissed???

Question

I have been with my husband for a grand total of 14 years. We have a 4 month old. My husband goes out, gets drunk, hangs out with his friends and comes home at 4AM! Not all the time, but at least twice a month! He doesn't call me at all to tell me where he is either! I ask him and he simply says "I was just out". I am upset because like him I have a fulltime job and I am tired when I get home...still I care for our son with a lot of love : ) I don't know what to think! And when he comes home, he goes directly into the bathroom and blows his nose under the faucet! So to me...he's also stuffing his nose!

This started about a year ago.

I have talked to him numerous times...I guess I'm afraid to leave...I never imagined being a broken family. But I have to think about my son's wellbeing.

Answer 1

I think you know exactly what he is doing.....but don't want to admit it.
He is doing what he says and is "just out" but the question is out doing what?
Don't let him do that junk, you got a baby. If the wrong ears found out what your husband is doing, chances are you may have some SW at your house.

Answer 2

It sounds like your husband not only has a few beers but he indulges in some coke or some other substance he can sniff. If drugs weren't involved I would have a conversation with him about respect and that you promise if he calls to let you know that he will be out that you promise not to pitch a fit about it.
4am is a long time to be out. It would be unacceptable for me. But that's just me. Bars close at 2am around here so where is he between the hours from the time the bar closes til the time he gets home?
Addiction on the other hand is a whole other matter. If he is on drugs I would consider leaving. I say this because you cannot compete with the drug and getting a straight answer out of an addict is nearly impossible. Denial is ramped and honesty is a thing of the past.
If he is unwilling to listen and hear you out and compromize with you about the time he spends away from home you have a decision to make.
Good Luck!

Answer 3

"I was just out." WHAT???? I have a 7 month old and I am telling you now, that wouldn't fly at all at my house. You are in a marriage together. That doesn't mean that he can't have friends or go out, but you together need to set some boundaries. 4 a.m.? You all are parents now and it is time to grow up and do what is best for your family. Again, you can still hang out with your friends, have a few drinks but you are a team and need to know what the expectations are for each of you. The blowing the nose thing....don't know. I would definately sit down and have a true heart to heart, I know that sounds so cliche', but you can't just sit there and do nothing.

Answer 4

Nope, I'd be pissed too!! I actually started calling my husband and telling him to come home. We now have an agreement that one has to check with the other before going out for the night. Just in case the other is too tired or having a bad day. We also try to limit the time when we go out with friends. Maybe once every 2 months. Plus, you realize how much you enjoy each others company when you spend time together.

Answer 5

Stuffing his nose? Coke?

You need to have a frank discussion about what he's been up to. If i were in your shoes and all I got was "i was just out" with some strange nose blowing behavior I'd be like oh no, muthafucka you better offer up some details!

It's inappropriate for him to go out all night without a reasonable explanation where he's been. Why don't you do that and see what he says? Everyone deserves a night out on the town but if he's on the up and up he should have no problem telling you about his night then. Trust your instincts though.

Answer 6

i have seen this before. my husband is kinda like that and i dont think were making it. i think he is doing drugs. no one just goes under a faucet and blows there nose like that for no reason. i have seen guys do farmer blows which is to plug one side of the nose and than just blow with no tissue. if he is not like that than i am for sure he is doing drugs. i would ask him first and if he says no than say fine lets go get you a drug test if he says no than the next time you hear him or see him do it. go somewhere where he cant hear you call the sheriffs station and ask if someone can come out cause your husband is high and needs to get him out. check for his eyes being red and if he is extra moody and how he performs in things. i had a ex who was on this powerful pain medican. he was moody and drove like he was drunk and his eyes were red. and he finally told me he had a problem. so try working on that.
i think its a respect thing that he doesnt go out tell 4 am. maybe midnight but there is nothing good out there for a married man to be doing that late. nothing! you have a baby and your poor baby does not need to be into situations like this at all. same with me i have alittle one. and im working on getting out, i wont put my poor baby to see all of this i have seen plenty of people go through it and there parents wished they would have done something and im not going to be that mom that is going to say i shuldnt have done something. so i know how those type of guys are. also this will help is for you to pray for help to make the right desions and if your doing the right thing. ask for strength. i know it helps. anyways i hope you feel better and things start going right.

Answer 7

Your son is the most important...If your husband is stuffing his nose and it will become a habit your son does deserve to grow up that way . Come on.. your giving him 2 days a mth to f**king around.. no ?'s asked. Well, maybe asked but not answered. and you've been doing this for a yr. Don't be a door mat. You honestly dont know what to think or is it you just dont want to admit to your self what's really goin on.. well he's having his cake and eating it too.

Answer 8

Twice a month is really not that bad to go out but I would have a problem with the secrecy of his outings. I would pry a bit to see if he'd be honest but if he's not willing to tell you, perhaps give him a scenario.
What if you or your daughter needed to go to the hospital emergency and nobody knew where to contact him (his cellphone died). How would that make him feel, would his secret be worth it. Let him know that your okay with him going out but by not being honest and telling you where he is or what he's up to, is not good for the relationship. It's adding unneeded stress and the trust issue is being questioned.
It sounds like he's doing things that are not that pleasing to you and he is trying to hide it (badly), I would hope he would come clean but sometimes stating it bluntly will open his eyes.

Answer 9

Well people unfortunatley do not change ecspeciailly if he has been doing this for 14 years. I would tell him since you have your 2 nights out a month I want mine. And I would go out have a good time and do like he does.

Answer 10

I wouldn't be too thrilled with the guy, but if you step outside yourself and think about it objectively, a couple of times a month (if its only that much) is different than if he got drunk once a week or more. If he comes back and doesn't inflict his drunken stupor or whatever else on you maybe you have a right to be angry about it, but maybe its not as bad as if he did it more often.

The nose thing though? That one would be enough to make me dump him - 14 years together or not.