Social Science - 23 March 2007

2007-03-23 12:22:54 · 11 answers · asked by inSane 2 in Psychology

Was it caveman overpopulation? Why would anyone voluntarily leave a warm climate?

2007-03-23 12:20:49 · 25 answers · asked by anonymous 4 in Anthropology

2007-03-23 12:16:59 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous in Psychology

Has your spouse done something so horrendous that it has
ripped your marriage apart and made you question the very
foundation of your relationship?

Are you in a place right now where you are wondering
whether or not you can ever forgive this offense and
move on with your marriage?

Perhaps your partner has been regularly lying to you about
your financial situation, and has put your family in jeopardy
by doing so. Maybe he or she verbally attacked you one or more
times, and you don't feel like you can get past the awful
words that were spoken.

Or maybe the worst has happened, and your spouse broke your
marital vows, had an affair, and crushed you emotionally as a
result.

In situations like these I find most people come to a point
where they ask themselves: Can I ever forgive my spouse?
Will I ever be able to open my heart to this person again, and
move on with our relationship.

The question is a perfectly legitimate one, in no small part
because the concept of forgiving is so complex.

What does it mean to forgive someone? Do you have to forget
in order to forgive? And what if you can't simply "forgive"
your spouse and move on with your marriage? What does that
mean about you and your relationship.

In this article I am going to explore answers to some of these
questions, and will offer you an alternative definition of forgiveness--
one that will show you a different path for moving forward with
your marriage.

What Does it Mean to "Forgive"?

For a lot of people the very concept of "forgiving" is overwhelming.
I think this is largely due to the fact that in our culture there is
a fairly specific definition for what it means to forgive. Unfortunately,
for a lot of people this definition is unrealistic and nearly impossible
to achieve.

I think for most people in our culture the idea of "forgiveness" is
almost a holy act. It's supposed to happen in a single moment; a
moment of revelation where you open your heart to another person
in an act of the purest, most selfless compassion and restore the
relationship to its former level.

For example, I once heard a story about a mother and father whose
daughter was murdered. At some point after the terrible crime,
this couple went to prison, met with their daughter's killer, and
forgave him.

To be perfectly honest with you, this is not a kind of forgiveness
I understand.

In my experience the meaning of this forgiveness and the cultural
support it receives from examples like the one I just noted sets up
an unrealistic expectation for people who have suffered from
a trauma inflicted by another person and are trying to move forward.

As a result people often judge themselves when they can't seem to
forgive people who have hurt them the way the two parents in the
example above were able to forgive their daughter's murderer. They
seem to feel like they are not as "good" as people like this.

But in my experience, forgiveness is a very complicated and personal
subject. Everyone moves forward in different ways, especially when
they are trying to reconcile with people who have hurt them.

It is especially complicated when the person who has hurt you is
your spouse--the one person on Earth you are supposed
to trust above and beyond anyone else.

Another example might help to make this point clear.

Let's say Jeff and Sally have been happily married for many years ...
or at least that's what Sally thought. She has been going through her
days thinking that her husband Jeff loves her and is completely faithful
to her. They have children, and they have built what seems to be a
beautiful life together. Sally thinks everything is wonderful.

Then one day Jeff comes home and drops a bomb on Sally.

He tells her that he has been having an affair for more than
a year. He expresses regret. He cries. He even begs for Sally's
forgiveness. But Sally is emotionally crushed. The world she
felt safe in has been torn apart, and the man she thought she knew
has turned out to be a liar and a cheater.

In this situation is Sally simply supposed to "forgive" her husband?
Is she supposed to have some experience where she realizes in the
blink of an eye that she can open up to him again; that she can trust
him again?

Imagine all of the questions this must raise for Sally. What if she
forgives Jeff and he betrays her trust again? What if she exposes
herself to more pain by doing this? And what if she simply can't
forget what has happened, and forgive him the way those
magnanimous parents did in the story above? How is she supposed
to move on with her marriage?

Over and over again, I see people who have this kind of experience,
and I think the questions these people ask about forgiving are
legitimate.

I am not saying those parents were wrong or disingenuous. I
am sure those parents were sincere in the forgiveness they
offered. I'm just saying that this kind of forgiveness is not
something I understand, and it's not something I think is
useful for all people.

In fact, I think it can be detrimental for couples who have suffered
through an affair and are trying to move forward with their marriage.
The injured person thinks he or she is supposed to be able to "forgive"
his or her spouse this way, and when that can't happen the person
feels stuck, and, in some cases, judges himself or herself harshly,
complicating an already difficult situation.

When I work with clients I try to get them to move toward a different
kind of forgiveness than the one typically promoted by our culture.
This form of forgiveness is more practical. It requires work. And it
focuses on the concept of acceptance. Let me explain
what I mean.

Acceptance: An Alternative to Forgiveness

Acceptance is defined as the "willingness or ability to tolerate"
some event in your life. This step--accepting that the terrible
events that have happened in your marriage have in fact
happened--is the first thing you need to do if you are going
to move on with your relationship.

That doesn't mean you have to like what happened. You probably
hate what happened. But you have to accept that it occurred, and
you have to accept the feelings that come along with it if you are
going to move forward.

Let's go back to the example of Jeff and Sally above. When Sally
learned about Jeff's affair, she was emotionally destroyed. She wanted to
move forward and try to save her marriage, but she just couldn't forgive
Jeff for what he did.

Sally didn't have to forgive Jeff at when she found out, because she
wouldn't feel it in her heart.

What Sally did have to do was accept the reality that Jeff
had the affair and accept her feelings about the situation and about Jeff.

If Sally is able to do this, then she can move forward with her relationship
(assuming of course Jeff is willing to put some real work into changing
his character and repairing the breach in trust he created). Once Sally accepts
what has happened and her feelings about it, the opportunity exists to heal
the pain and create a better marriage.

In fact, acceptance is the first in a series of steps that ultimately have
the power to move you toward forgiveness in a practical way. Forgiveness
doesn't have to come in a single revelatory moment. It can
be the outcome of specific steps leading to recovery.

These steps include:

* Exploring your own feelings, and learning how
to cope with and manage them more effectively

* Rebuilding the trust in your marriage

* Communicating your pain to your partner and acquiring
an appropriate and complete apology

* Getting over images and obsessive thoughts about the
event that created your pain

You can work through each of these steps in practical and effective
ways.

The result?

If you work through each step properly, in time the overwhelming
emotions that you are experiencing right now will move to the back
of your mind. You won't experience them nearly as much, and when
you do they will be less intense. The feelings will start to fade as you
rebuild your marriage and get over the pain that has been created.

At this point you will move toward forgiveness. It won't happen
in a single moment. Instead it will take time, energy, investment,
a real commitment, and work. AND, a demonstration by your partner
that he or she has made real changes. But it can happen.

This is a different kind of forgiving. It is one that is built on practical
steps you can take to heal your relationship. It's a style of forgiving
that allows you to have your feelings and still move forward with your
marriage. It's a forgiving that happens more naturally as the emotions
you have fade to the background and you move on with your life.

If you do the work you need to do to heal your relationship and make
it better than ever you can experience this kind of forgiveness.

You will know in retrospect when it has happened. One day you
will realize that your emotions and memories of the awful circumstances
have moved to the back of your mind, and you will realize it is okay to
move on again. These are the hallmarks of my definition of forgiveness.

But the whole process starts with acceptance. That's the key. That's
the starting point.

2007-03-23 12:08:37 · 2 answers · asked by carenffb 2 in Psychology

I am wondering why people find it so hard to forgive things when life is so short not to mention boring

2007-03-23 12:04:45 · 18 answers · asked by curious female.... 3 in Psychology

a. other countries have a comparative advantage over France in producing tea.
b. France has an absolute advantage over other countries in producing tea.
c. France will export tea if international trade is allowed.
d. French tea buyers will become worse off if international trade is allowed.

2007-03-23 12:01:45 · 1 answers · asked by investing1987 3 in Economics

a. everyone in the country benefits.
b. the gains of the winners exceed the losses of the losers.
c. the losses of the losers exceed the gains of the winners.
d. everyone in the country loses.

2007-03-23 12:01:22 · 4 answers · asked by investing1987 3 in Economics

i am 22 and a college student. i love my parents and my ex yet no matter what i do it seems that it is not enough. i am fed up to the point of where i am breaking down into tears and losing my appetite. if it is not my parents who get on my back it is my ex and i know that he is trying to help yet i feel that too much helping has made me lose my identity as a person and the drive that i had. i mean i know that i can depend on my ex to help me yet i do not want that anymore. i feel as though i can do no right and every thing that i do on a day to day basis is a mistake and is judged by my teachers, friends, class mates and everyone who is part of my academic life. i am so sick of everyone getting on my case 24/7 about how i should break up with my then bf and now ex, how i was stupid to listen and broke up, how i am unhappy for the past 12 months and how i want to move away from the university i am attending so i can start a new life where no one knows about me.i am fed up and so:help

2007-03-23 12:00:46 · 8 answers · asked by icycrissy27blue 5 in Psychology

i feel so much rage and i`m so damn frustrated with apparently no reason....is it normal to feel this way?

2007-03-23 11:57:09 · 11 answers · asked by Sir Alex 6 in Psychology

a. foreign competitors that could produce quality textile goods at low cost.
b. lower prices of goods that are substitutes for clothing.
c. a decrease in Americans’ demand for clothing, due to increased incomes and the fact that clothing is an inferior good.
d. the fact that the minimum wage in the U.S. has failed to keep pace with the cost of living.

2007-03-23 11:56:12 · 3 answers · asked by investing1987 3 in Economics

for the short-run production function f(L)=6L^(2/3)

2007-03-23 11:52:47 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous in Economics

My mother has been seeing apparitions in her house for the past few years and is embarrassed to tell anyone. She's 82 and is not crazy (yet). She is awake at night and not on any medication when she see them and does not know who they are. She never saw them when my father was alive. She never sees him. She has seen some dogs and a man and a woman who she does not know. She is afraid and sleeps with the light on now. When the light is on, they go away. Can you help.

2007-03-23 11:52:38 · 11 answers · asked by susan08 2 in Psychology

There's this guy and yesterday he hugged me and said "See ya when spring breaks over!" Then walked away. All of my friends say he likes me but I don't know. I asked his BEST friend D'lyn and he said he doesn't so I don't know if he likes me or not... PLZ HELP!

2007-03-23 11:49:43 · 5 answers · asked by my_life_gymnastics 1 in Sociology

2007-03-23 11:48:55 · 5 answers · asked by SWMynx 3 in Anthropology

Could there be a psychological reasion why i get more turned on by a black man having intercourse with a white women/man?

2007-03-23 11:46:37 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous in Sociology

Is there another person very, very similar to me out there in the world?

2007-03-23 11:44:26 · 8 answers · asked by Peter P 1 in Psychology

I had this dream lastnight that i was on a train at night and I bumped into this guy that I like. He sat in a seat in front of me and we talked fro a while. Then a girlfriend of mine came and said you have to go to another part of the train so you can sleep. So I did what she said and went to another carriage, but I had actually got off the train not knowing. I was upset because the guy that I liked was gone, I couldn't get back to him no matter how much I tried

2007-03-23 11:39:06 · 7 answers · asked by ? 3 in Psychology

In Sweden, taking sex service from prostitute is illegal. So, does not this prohibition causes not fulfilling basic need to these men?

2007-03-23 11:36:30 · 17 answers · asked by Bluelover 2 in Gender Studies

Last year they raised it, like, 17 times in a row or something. With the impeding recession due to forclosures, plummeting home values, glut of available homes for sale etc., what do you think the fed should do with the current interest rate? Please explain and qualify your answer.

2007-03-23 11:36:27 · 7 answers · asked by bonnechancepetitchat 3 in Economics

I had two strange dream yesterday. I dreamt that I was supposed to go down a very narrow and steep staircase, which looked like had no ending. I went down a few steps and screamed my lungs out and climbed back up the stairs.

Same night I dreamt that I was supposed to get up as I was sleeping, (i dreamt that i was sleeping in my dream) i was tryingto wake up, but my whole body seemed to be paralysed. I was strugling to sit up and my whole body felt really numb.

I can not find a meaning in all the dream dictionaries, does anyone have suggestions?

2007-03-23 11:36:21 · 9 answers · asked by Babe K 2 in Psychology

2007-03-23 11:34:50 · 6 answers · asked by ~Sid~ 2 in Psychology

I have the gift of precognition but have noticed it until recently and was wondering if anyone else who has it... do you get it when you daydream about something or does it just happen? because for me I just have to daydream about something and I just get a sense of precognition and can tell what can happen just by 1 feeling.

2007-03-23 11:34:35 · 3 answers · asked by myshunoguy 2 in Psychology

Look, i've always wondered...when people sleep...some goowy stuff comes in the corner of the eye...like a mucus colour..kinda nasty really...Why does it come?
And Where does it come from???

2007-03-23 11:32:13 · 7 answers · asked by daniel4joyce 2 in Psychology

Did you ever commit yourself to something/ somebody and stuck to it till the bitter end? Why did you do it? Do you think it was or is worth it? How does it effect your daily life?
I'm just curious. And thanks for beeing so open.

2007-03-23 11:31:33 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous in Sociology

Last night i dreamed of a giant ipod mini i was looking down at it.I couldn't see what song or artists was on it only that the backlight timer was on. Does anybody know what this means?

2007-03-23 11:26:10 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous in Psychology

Or do you dislike either, like me.

2007-03-23 11:19:32 · 15 answers · asked by samootch 2 in Psychology

2007-03-23 11:18:19 · 4 answers · asked by just me 4 in Other - Social Science

When I go to sleep I usually think about a special guy but I've only had one dream about him other days I don't have a dream and then there are days where my dreams are just out there so what influences all these dreams?

2007-03-23 11:18:13 · 11 answers · asked by Rdy4Summer 3 in Psychology

2007-03-23 11:14:46 · 2 answers · asked by debbieok04 1 in Psychology

Our skin color, hair type, body shape, etc, is merely a result of the physical adaptations our ancestors had to "make" in order to live in changing environmental conditions. So we are basically the same, just with external differences, right? How come are we still talking about "race" in the XXI century?

2007-03-23 11:11:31 · 13 answers · asked by Roz 4 in Anthropology