Singles & Dating - 1 June 2007

Tommy Cooper classics


Went to the paper shop - it had blown away

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'

'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'

A man walked into the doctor's, he said ' I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners

'So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said, 'You are.'

'So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ' Is that the local swimming baths?' He said ' It depends where you're calling from.'

'I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind' ,
so he gave me a kite.'

I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for ' flu.
So I went, and I got it.'

A man goes into the doctors. The doctor says, 'Go over to the window and stick your tongue out' . Man says, Why?
The doctor says, 'I don't like my neighbours'

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought ' This is unusual' .
And the dentist said to me ' Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.


'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.' That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' Is it common?' It's not unusual.'


I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages.' He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here.'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

'So I said to the doctor'. ' People keep taking the Mickey out of me because I keep thinking I'm a cricket ball.' The doctor said 'Howzat?'I said, don't you start' .

So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want'I said, 'I want to stay here.' She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.


'I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'
I said, 'Not only that.'I said, I said... I said it twice, I said, 'He's got one leg shorter than the other.' He said, 'What do you wanna do with it, eat it or dance with it?'
I said, 'Forget the chicken, give me a lobster, and he brought me this lobster. I said just a minute, he's only got one claw.' He said 'Well he's been in a fight.'I said, 'Well give me the winner.'

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.' My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? 'Well, 'says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'so he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says ' I'm going to have to put him down.' What? Because he's cross-eyed?' No, because he's really heavy'

So I went to the dentist.
He said, 'Say Aaah.'I said, 'Why?' He said, 'My dog's died.'

A man goes to the Psychiatrists and the Psychiatrist says: 'What's the problem' The man says, 'I think I'm becoming a kleptomaniac.' The Psychiatrist says, 'Here take these tablets and if you're no better in a week' .....' Bring me a colour TV'

2007-06-01 15:24:23 · 4 answers · asked by LONE WOLF 1

so there is this guy that i liked and he liked me. we were getting really close and were practically going out. but he kept asking me to hang out during the weekdays and i couldn't cuz i was super busy and i guess he just stopped trying and gave up on me. but i still have feelings for him, and i know he does for me cuz i see the way he looks at me in school and stuff. it's just iunno what to do because he.. uggh.. i dont know =(

2007-06-01 15:14:21 · 3 answers · asked by cutie.pie_xo 3

Hey guys see i like this girl but i don't know her like that but I'm wondering how to approach her to start a conversation of something. thankss

2007-06-01 15:10:00 · 3 answers · asked by Trinistar 1

2007-06-01 15:07:14 · 1 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-01 15:07:10 · 16 answers · asked by Mary 4

2007-06-01 15:02:45 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-01 15:01:17 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

love
true love
soul mates
love at first sight

2007-06-01 15:01:05 · 12 answers · asked by Twisty 2

i am so much worried about my plain life. The main problem is i am being deprived of someone special in my life. How can i get someone special in my life very soon. I want as soon as possible.

2007-06-01 14:55:44 · 5 answers · asked by anilbro 1

i was wondering why is it that people cheat and the reason why they did it. Is there any1 that has done if so tell me ur reason for doing it thank you

2007-06-01 14:55:07 · 5 answers · asked by CALI SWISS 3

We've been dating now for 6 months,& I willingly do absolutely anything that he asks me, which is often strange,& at times slightly painful)whenever he wants to.But if I feel like making love, he'll say 'no, not now, later'. I might be fine with that as I am a patient person,but also when we (or rather he) has finished, he runs away to have a shower, or just stands up because he's hot, and I ask him to please stay in bed with me, but he won't. All of this I could handle if it weren't for the fact that what I would really like him to do is talk to me sometimes while we are in bed,as I like hearing his voice and it brings me closer to orgasm if he does. I don't care if he doesn't really know what to say, but this is a man with a substantial porn collection, and a way with words(he can write poetry), so he must have some idea of how to. Why won't he indulge me and talk dirty to me?Or see the experience through until we are both satisfied?Does he have the right to be this selfish?

2007-06-01 14:45:06 · 18 answers · asked by luby 1

I met her on may 24th, and she made the first step.
I was excited so I sent her a email two pages long to prove that I care about our possible relationship. Not a reply since.

Could she still be stunned by what I said? And lying on the floor? How can I know? How can I help her?

2007-06-01 14:29:19 · 6 answers · asked by Roy Nicolas 5

Someone who is weet and kind,but doesn't take crap or disrespect and even stands up to men if she has to.

2007-06-01 14:25:56 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-01 14:23:17 · 38 answers · asked by babycakes 1

OK MY EX BF IS LIKE CRAZY HOTT I MEAN IT ND I STILL LIKE HIM I DUMPED HIM CUZ EVRYONE FORCED ME WELL NE WAYZ WE BROKE UP IN FEB. N TODAY I WUZ ON THE BUS ND HE STARTED TICKLELING ME THEN YESTERDAY I THINK OR THE DAY BE4 I WUZ IN MY LOCKER ND HE TAPPED MY SHOULDER ND ACTED LIKE HE DIDN’T DO THEN I HAVE 6TH PERIOD WITH HIM SOO HE ALL OF A SUDDEN STARTED TALKIN 2 ME AGAIN DO U THINK HE LIKES ME AGAIN?

2007-06-01 14:22:48 · 7 answers · asked by ARRGG!=] 2

My (now) exboyfriend didn't call me or answer his phone for 5 days. This has happened several times so i decided to end it. I left him a voicemail and broke up with him. Now he is calling me back crying, saying that he had an anxiety attack and was in the hospital. He has emotional problems... i keep talking to him cuz i'm worried about him, but i keep on accidentally telling him that he has a chance.. when he doesn't. I'm scared i am leading him on. Should I just quit talking to him? or what? i just give in, when i hear him crying... what do i do?

2007-06-01 14:20:35 · 11 answers · asked by k8r9i8s8ti 2

i have a boyfriend that i love very much but i have a really really close guy friend and he just told me that he loved me. i really dont know what to do with my friend!! i dont want ot hurt him at all but i dont want to break up with my boyfriend!!

2007-06-01 14:16:05 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

I was embarrassed as i didn't feel pain or bleed when i lost my virgin with my bf. I heard from many of my friend they were hurt or bleed at their first sex.But i was either hurt or bleed the first time and i wonder if anything wrong with me!!!

2007-06-01 14:15:59 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

cuse 1 time my boy friend came up and said do u want 2 have sex but i said no cuse a wastnt ready

2007-06-01 13:59:49 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

i have strong feelings for this girl who is in a relationship with this guy who doesn't allow her to talk about her emotions, so when something is wrong, she can't go to him. they can only talk about "reasonable" things. she comes to me with her emotional problems. am i right to feel that this makes him a jerk, who doesn't love her? i know she has feelings for me too but we live far apart, since i graduated school and moved home. is it okay to say this to her "I used to think you and I had a lot in common. But now, I think we are really different. You are far too capable of inspiring of unbridled emotion to be with someone who is not obviously insanely in love with you. But that is coming from the perspective that the best relationships are when two people are passionately in love and that reason and passion are opposites."

2007-06-01 13:53:18 · 21 answers · asked by rhiannon_kc 1

Alright well I'm a 20 year old sophomore incollege. I just came home from college about 2 weeks ago and I live with a family who is insane. I've NEVER EVER lied to my parent's about where I was going who I was with etc, back in high school I NEVER got drunk, I smoked pot twice in my life and did not like it. And I've always even now in college been an honors student. I don't feel I have a reason to have my parent's concerned.

Yet...they are. I'm 20 years old they set a curfew of 12:00 for me and my 2 younger sisters whom are 17 & 18!! I am not allowed to stay at my boyfriend's house and my parent's flipped out the night I was out until 2:00 because of a concert.

I understand it's because they care but they need to give me some slack I'm not my sister's and I'm not 17 & 18 years old. I have tried to explain this to them and they say "your only in college sweetheart"

Anyways I plan on lying to my parent's tomorrow night. For the first time ever and I'm not exactly sure which lie to tell them PLEASE HELP!!!!!

2007-06-01 13:30:32 · 16 answers · asked by LiL Chrissy 1

I was having my cell phone out, and she asked for my phone number.

Somehow i was busy and forgot to ask her phone number back

She said "Dont you want my phone number?"

what does this mean, what should i do, we're good friends by the way

2007-06-01 13:26:33 · 11 answers · asked by Blank 1

I made friends with this great guy, and a few months ago, I told him I loved him, and he said he loved me like a friend. Now, he's started calling me things like "babe", "lover", and "love" everytime he sees me. He tells me he loves me, and in his words, "You're a hotty and you're uber-cool, which makes you 10 times more attractive." This may be a dumb question, but should I ask him how he feels about me, or let him say something?

2007-06-01 13:24:31 · 1 answers · asked by DmPrecious 1

I am dating this girl who is only about 6 months younger than me. She is very close with her family, so much so that I think she doesn't love me as much as I love her because she doesn't need someone to love. If that makes any sense. We've been dating for about 5 months. I've been so depressed in the last 4 months because I don't know if she really loves me. She has never said it. Once I got a card from her saying at the end "Love, Audra". But lately I've been avoiding her and her twin brother because he was being rude to me and my friends. And he said he didn't realize it when I was forced to tell him why I was upset. Anyway, I told him why I was upset with Audra and I said at least she could write a letter, and he said that she doesn't have time with school work. So the next day I get a letter in my locker. Every other phrase in it is "I love you". What does this mean? She's never told me that she loves me, and she never offered to hang out or hold my hand. We've never kissed

2007-06-01 13:24:04 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

How can I go about this in a subtle way so that she will be curious or better yet, want to let me tie her and see where it leads to?

2007-06-01 13:16:18 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

What does a man need to do/say to attract a woman?

2007-06-01 13:06:35 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok people tell me i look like lisa raye and raven saymone so that describes to all yall i'm a bueatiful and sexy woman so why is so hard to for me to find the right man or even just a man i just dont really get it so i just need to some help and advice to get some understanding of this... and yes i'm a old fashions person i think that the man should come up to me if he finds me intrested.............


thank you everyone in advance

2007-06-01 13:03:07 · 4 answers · asked by thick chick 1

Recently, a few friends and I went out on the town to a little pub in town. To my amazement, the waitress (barmaid), slid another beer in front of me. She said, this is from the cute girl over there in the glasses. This made me feel really nice. My question to you is: Why don't more women buy guys a drink if they think they are attractive? It makes it a lot less intimidating for the guy to start a conversation if he knows he's not going to get shot down. My advise is to all the women....If you think a man is attractive....give him the hint by sending him a cold one. Let me know how you all think about this. Thanks! Male/36/Pa.

2007-06-01 12:58:17 · 17 answers · asked by jbeeglepa 1

2007-06-01 12:57:59 · 9 answers · asked by Top Notch Glamour Chick 2

2007-06-01 12:56:16 · 2 answers · asked by Jason Gomez 1