women, would this offend u?

Question

i have strong feelings for this girl who is in a relationship with this guy who doesn't allow her to talk about her emotions, so when something is wrong, she can't go to him. they can only talk about "reasonable" things. she comes to me with her emotional problems. am i right to feel that this makes him a jerk, who doesn't love her? i know she has feelings for me too but we live far apart, since i graduated school and moved home. is it okay to say this to her "I used to think you and I had a lot in common. But now, I think we are really different. You are far too capable of inspiring of unbridled emotion to be with someone who is not obviously insanely in love with you. But that is coming from the perspective that the best relationships are when two people are passionately in love and that reason and passion are opposites."

Answer 1

Actually i think for anyone to really understand that concept you'd have to elaborate. Honestly, i think you should be straight up, something like "I understand that you may have feelings for this guy, but this guy doesnt care bout your emotions or personal problems and therefore your relationship wont survive because relationships need understanding". I would not take that offensive and would actually take it into consideration. Hope everything works out!

Answer 2

The very last sentence, "But that is coming from the perspective that the best relationships are when two people are passionately in love and that reason and passion are opposites" seems a bit cryptic to me, as if you want to say something but are saying it in riddle. Come out and tell her that you like her. It sounds like you are waiting around for her to become available and the comment is meant to let her know that somehow... As if you resent the fact that she is sticking with this other guy, that seems clear.... Honestly, how much longer can you go on being the one she turns to without being the one she loves in the BF/GF sense? I know that is a hard position to be in! I've felt the same w/guys I liked....

Maybe you should just tell her directly how you are feeling, that you have strong feelings for her, etc. and let the chips fall as they may. While I wouldn't be offended by your comment if you were my friend, I might feel as if you were saying something to veil some other hidden agenda, and I wouldn't respect that. Talk to her. I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 3

Oh, how sweet! But the question is, would this offend me. Ummm.......I guess the question I have for you is, are you severing your friendship relationship with her? Does this mean that you are no longer going to talk to her at all?

You are totally in titled to your opinion of her boyfriend. I agree that it makes him a jerk, but to say that he doesn't love her, well, that is being a little over zealous. Are you sure that your not just doing this because it hurts you to much to hear of all the emotional turmoil she is going through with this other guy, when all she has to do is be with you? A man that will let her speak her mind, share her passions, heartaches and other feelings with? It is just sad that if you both have these feelings for each other, that one of you just doesn't move to the place where the other is, so that you can see if you could work as a couple! I don't know, that's just my opinion. But as far as if it would hurt my feelings, well, I would hate to lose you as a friend. But I also know that you have to do whatever it is that you have to do to get by mentally and emotionally. I'd just make sure you are telling her the truth about why your ending the friendship. Especially if it's because you can't handle hearing about the 'woman you love' man problems. That may change everything......Good luck, sweetie.

Answer 4

If that's how you honestly feel....go for it. However, when it comes to committed relationships there are no victims. If someone does something to you the first time & you permit it...you are basically saying it's okay to treat you in that manner. There are no victims just willing participants. If this girl has it going on the way you say she does...if she was really unhappy....she'd leave. But apparently this guy does something for her. You say this guy doesn't permit her to talk about her feelings. How does someone stop someone else from saying something? Remove their vocal box? Perhaps she has ulterior motives for coming to you. It's good that you're her friend, but what price are you paying for your friendship? What are you getting out of it? There are some people who are professional victims. They don't want to get out of a bad situation because they get something out of it. How do you know he's a jerk? Do you actually know this guy? Because she says so? If he is such a jerk, why does she stay with him? I think it's great that you are such a good friend to this woman. but I think you should move on and find yourself someone who is open to having a relationship with you. You deserve so much better.

Answer 5

If someone said that to me, I would be offended. I understand that you are trying to come across as positive but it comes across as negative. She confides in you so for you to say that you are now different is going to alienate you. Also, reason and passion can compliment each other in certain situations. The problem here is that she is in a relationship with someone with whom she cannot be herself. If she's turning to you while they are dating, she will be turning to other people for things she should be finding in her own relationship and that is destructive. By all means tell her your ideas about a perfect relationship but if you judge her relationship (or if you point our how you think her's is wrong) you will alienate someone you say you have feelings for.

Answer 6

You could say all of those things but you run the risk of your true intent getting muddled up in all of that verbage. Try to be as clear about what you're communicating as possible. And, whether or not her boyfriend is a jerk is not really a problem, is it? I mean think about it: if he was terrific and emotionally attentive there would be no need for you, would there? So, don't get caught up in that...instead, stay on track with what you're trying to tell her about yourself. And good luck to you.

Answer 7

Yes and no. I would see that you intend to be kind and give me a boost in your direction at the same time but I would also feel like I might need to defend myself and my boyfriend. Tone it down a little. You are right as far as I'm concerned but be careful how you approach the topic of the boyfriend. It might just make her think you are putting him down only to build yourself up.

Answer 8

I think that you should tell her that you have strong feelings for her. It may be possible that one of these days she'll have enough of him being a jerk and get some self-respect and leave him. Wouldn't you prefer to be the one to catch her when she falls, rather than telling her words she doesn't want to hear?

Answer 9

Whew! That wouldn't offend me...it would confuse me and probably even alienate me.

Why not tell her that you adore her, her words, and yes even her emotions, reasonable or not. Let her know that it saddens you that she compensates the short-falls of her current boyfriend by talking to you. Remind her that you love the fact that she talks to you, but just hate the fact that she can't talk to her boyfriend...let her know that in your opinion she discusses nothing that any woman shouldn't be able to discuss with her boyfriend.

Answer 10

Run away as fast as you can. You are her 'enabler', enabling her to stay in a relationship with someone she cannot get her needs met with. You are headed for heartbreak honey. Find a woman devoted to you, dont be content being the 3rd wheel!