Entertainment & Music - 14 March 2007

2007-03-14 00:24:09 · 32 answers · asked by jooria 3 in Polls & Surveys

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I
said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is
for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
"Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull
goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen
on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays
or Thursdays."

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said, 'You are.'"

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I
said "Are you two an item?".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check
tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up
to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and
says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

A Penguin walks into a pub and says to the barman "Has my brother been
in?" Barman says "I dunno, what's he look like?"

2007-03-14 00:23:47 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous in Jokes & Riddles

2007-03-14 00:23:28 · 12 answers · asked by Ann 1 in Movies

2007-03-14 00:23:21 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous in Polls & Surveys

...or do you think it has made up just for the commercial?

2007-03-14 00:22:43 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous in Music

So Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

2007-03-14 00:21:40 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous in Jokes & Riddles

2007-03-14 00:21:37 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous in Music

The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
>
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy
down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform
you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
>
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big
is your army?"
>
> "Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, Me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts
team from the pub. That makes eight!"
>
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy that I have 100,000 men in my Army waiting to move on my command."
>
"Begorra!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back. Sure enough, the
next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have
managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
>
> "And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.
>
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
>
Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."
>
> "Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
>
> Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is
Still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified
Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
>
> Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell
you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers! and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
>
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
>
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.
Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."
>
"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of
heart?"
>
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and decided there is no possible way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners."

2007-03-14 00:21:23 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous in Jokes & Riddles

2007-03-14 00:21:03 · 23 answers · asked by SOJLO 3 in Television

i think it's by Mike Jones, and it has some kids singing and they say Mike Jones alot... i can remember bits like "cause you'll never be like Mr. Jones" or something like that... wow, it's driving me crazy!! any ideas!?

2007-03-14 00:20:48 · 6 answers · asked by lynn 5 in Music

2007-03-14 00:20:22 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous in Polls & Surveys

This show is supposed to find the next great music star but I find it strange that Jennifer Hudson the most successfull of these people didn't win. She gets an Oscar whatever happened to whoever won that season or really any other season for that matter?

2007-03-14 00:20:14 · 3 answers · asked by jones2032 1 in Television

what have I done?

2007-03-14 00:19:31 · 16 answers · asked by Boofie 6 in Polls & Surveys

who wanted to catch the train,
the train started, she farted,
all the way to spain

2007-03-14 00:19:29 · 6 answers · asked by Pinki 2 in Jokes & Riddles

just chatting, no 'big time Charlie' lunch or anything. Maybe just a day alone with them in their house or something.
I know I am an ol' fart but I would spend a day with Paul Weller.

2007-03-14 00:19:26 · 21 answers · asked by Kipper 2 in Celebrities

News says Vietnam officials will not allow anyone to adopt child as a couple IF THEY ARE NOT MARRIED. So Jolie didn't tell the truth-'cause she DOES live with Pitt and they aren't married. Some example for young people. Become a motherhubbard, not marriage covenant, except that fake one in the park to make her mom think she was married, lying to get what she wants? You and I would never get away with so much. I have boycotted allher and pitt films---they're rich enough off us dumb slobs. What do you guys think?

2007-03-14 00:19:16 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous in Celebrities

As they raised their guns, he yelled, "FIRE!".............

2007-03-14 00:19:16 · 12 answers · asked by spun_up_06 4 in Polls & Surveys

We're split on this-I like a special chow mein with lots of beansprouts,my missus adores a special fried rice.

What's your fave outta the 2? Or just your fave chinese dish?

2007-03-14 00:19:13 · 24 answers · asked by munki 6 in Polls & Surveys

my fav was melinda.she proved herself worthy of winning AI 6

2007-03-14 00:18:17 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous in Television

What did u think of it? Can u give me a brief summary of the storyline? I'm not going to see it so it doesnt matter if u want to give away the ending...

2007-03-14 00:17:58 · 2 answers · asked by Queen of the Stone Age 3 in Movies

Ole and Lena had been childhood sweethearts and had married and settled down
and were celebrating their sixtieth wedding anniversary.

Arm in arm they walked through their old neighborhood and down the street to
their old school. Once there, they held hands as they gazed upon the old
desk they shared and into which Ole had carved "I love you Lena".

On the way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car
practically at their feet. Lena quickly picks it up, but they don't know
what to do with it so they take it home.. There, she counts the money, and
it's fifty-thousand dollars.

Ole says "Ve got to gif it back."

Lena says "No vay Ole. Finders keepers!" She puts the money back in the bag
and hides it up in the attic.

The next day, two police officers are going door to door in the
neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home.

They ask, "Pardon me, but did you find any money that fell out of an
armoured car yesterday?"

Lena answers, "No..."

Ole replies, "She's lying officer, she hid da money up in da attic. I
vatched her do it."

Lena say, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

But the two policemen sit Ole down and begin to question him. One says,
"Tell us the story from the beginning."

Ole begins, "Vell, ven Lena and I vere valking home from school
yesterday......."

The policeman looks at his partner and says, "We're outta here."

2007-03-14 00:17:51 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous in Jokes & Riddles

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/12032007/344/diet-pill-made-children-smart.html

2007-03-14 00:17:45 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous in Polls & Surveys

when your partner doesn't want to do it

2007-03-14 00:17:35 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous in Polls & Surveys

Gordon Brown has given Scottish nurses a pay rise but FREEZES rises for England and Wales....He's working for an English parliament, Surley he can't do this.??

2007-03-14 00:17:23 · 11 answers · asked by David 4 in Polls & Surveys

2007-03-14 00:17:20 · 8 answers · asked by hockeyfan4life 2 in Horoscopes

2007-03-14 00:17:18 · 10 answers · asked by ◄Hercules► 6 in Polls & Surveys

2007-03-14 00:15:57 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous in Polls & Surveys

2007-03-14 00:15:29 · 13 answers · asked by Jack J 1 in Comics & Animation

a man went to a barber shop . he asked the barber how much will it b for a hair cut the barber said $2 and he asked for a shave 2the barber said $1 so wich 1 did he chose and why

2007-03-14 00:14:28 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous in Jokes & Riddles

i like melinda and think she has a reall good chance at being the next American Idol, but i want to see what other people think.

2007-03-14 00:14:28 · 10 answers · asked by hockeyfan4life 2 in Television