All categories - 29 August 2006

Some people wanted to know what we do in the military all day so I am going to show you what we are not allowed to do.

Laxative is not to be liquified and injected into the LT's jelly via small syringe.
Porno magazines are not the proper FM's to show your PLT SGT/OC.
Cherry privates are not to check for soft spots in armor or get exhaust samples.
Rangers are not to be refered to as the guys in the funny black hats (tan hats now).
The LT is not "my *****".
CID is not to be refered to as "the crookedest motherfuckers in the division".
Privates are not to be told about their MRE's "chicken and rice huh, one time I found a beak in mine".
Beef frankfurters are not "baby ***** or Iraqi fingers".
When a SAS member says "I need a fag", you are not to say "You sick bastard I thought you guys were real men!"
When waiting for everyone to turn sensitive items and be released from the unit after returning from the woods thou shall not say "Has anyone seen my (choose)bolt/bayonet/weapon/nods/pluggers/pyro?"
(Submitted by Greg Kinney)

Do not attempt to shave with fire.
Do not throw snowballs at helicopters- if you do, do not hit the windscreen.
Playing ‘Commander Pinball’ in the hatch of a 113 can only be won if you render him unconscious. He should not be aware of this rule.
The point of raking dirt in front of the HQ building is to teach you the error of your ways- not to create a zen rock garden.
(Submitted by Candace Karner)

Your rifle may not be set to stun.
(Submitted by Dan Zelman)

Olde English is not appropriate for any military form or document.
(Submitted by Mike Cabera)

At the grenade launcher range, do not yell "M-203, I choose you!"
(Submitted by Lester Nielson)

Do not challenge SERE grads to play hide-and-seek.
(Submitted by Dan Davis)

May not conduct live fire exercises at the general's (unattended) jeep, even if it’s parked in an area clearly marked as "Live Fire Zone".
Do not glue magnets to LT’s compass’s.
Must not get CO a subscription to gay porn.
Do not leave cat food under CO’s hammock.
(Submitted by Alex Bailleul)

Left-handed torque wrenches do not exist.
(Submitted by Abram Lister)

Toy guns during a heightened state of alert/national crisis tend to overexcite security personnel. Particularly when they are in the process of breaching your room.
".50 caliber machineguns, M1A1 Abrams tanks, destroyers, Chinese hookers, and small guys named Bob to take care of our vehicles" cannot be purchased on the OPTAR. One must route a special request chit first.
All special request chits require a written clarification as to why the item is desired.
In order to ensure smooth transition of a special request chit, it is best to advice your chain of command verbally before you attempt to order a $47,000 tank.
Especially when you are a naval unit.
If you are going to take your military vehicle into the local herd of livestock, it is critical to do as much damage as is conceivable. Remember, less than 6 is your fault. More than 6 is the herders fault, and if there was a fence in the way it doesn't mean jack **** to a military tribunal.
Screaming "Kill them all and let God sort them out" while executing 28 is acceptable. Most herders don't speak English anyway.
Whenever the phrase "Is this crap flammable?" is heard, RUN. 9 for 10, the source of that phrase already has their zippo burning and is finding out.
Advising the gate guard that you left your thermonuclear warhead in your other backpack is never a good idea.
Apparently, dereliction of duty cannot only be interpreted by the one who's derelicting their duty. Seems EVERYONE has an opinion they need to share when this happens. I mean, if you don't KNOW what your duty is, how can you be derelict in it?
BAH/OHA can only be authorized for places of RESIDENCE. The address of the local bar is not valid for OHA/BAH purposes. Even if the owner will cut you a lease.
The greatest weapon we can inflict on the enemy is NOT dropping a schoolbus full of retarded children on them.
Combining blanks and cleaning rods in the M16A2 rifle is not an acceptable means of acquiring "meat for the tribe." It should be noted it's a ***** unpinning a squirrel from a tree and you NEVER get your cleaning rod back.
Scorpions should never be sources of gambling, regardless of how cool it is when you trap two in an M-60 ammo can and let them fight it out to the death UFC style.
Specifically related to the above, betting on anything but the little clear guy makes you by default either a LOSER or a MARINE.
Specifically related to the above, once you realize that the little clear guy is obviously the most deadly of the scorpions indigenous to the Middle East, carrying a "winner" around on your shoulder as a parrot is not a bright idea.
It is advisable to LEARN to drive a vehicle, before claiming to be able to do so. Particularly in the case of anything that can achieve flight.
Gonasyphaherpaloids is not a real disease.
(Submitted by Rlyoun)

Voices in your head do not constitute lawful orders.
Do not try to mind-meld with your 1SG.
Do not attempt to place subliminal messages on the power point slides.
Grenades are not kept in the company refrigerator and they do not spoil over time if not used after they come out of the container.
Never require the host nation personnel to refer to you as "sire". And do not have the interpreter refer to you as "excellency".
Indigeneous personnel are not required to kneel before you.
"Pax Americana" is not a proper slogan for any deployment OCONUS.
"Rape, kill, pillage, and burn" are not annexes to the OPORD.
Pillaging is not an operational phase.
(Submitted by Gensuke Farseer)

American soldiers do not "consume the flesh of their fallen enemies to gain their strength."
(Submitted by J. Lidman)

Do not attempt to communicate with officers using only Madonna lyrics.
(Submitted by Scott Hintze)

Not allowed to use 27 packs of post it notes to label everything in the barracks so the General won’t have any questions during the inspection.
"I was cold" is a bad reason to be in the female barracks.
The cord on the blinds can not be used to rappel. (See above.)
Not allowed to use an e-tool on the golf course.
Cutting the uppers and lowers of CMSG rank doesn’t make you a Command Private Major.
Temporary insanity is not a good excuse for missing PT.
Do not throw up during PT, no mater how much Tequila was involved.
Do not use chemlights to mark a runway for the aliens.
(Submitted by Daniel Ingram)

Never tell a military pilot "There’s not enough room to fly under that!", unless you want him to try.
Do not yell "Fire in the hole!" while your buddies are handling live ordinance, no matter how funny the look on their face.
Trading C-rats for cigarettes and beer is not "Building host-nations relations."
One should not enter the words "Gross Stupidity" in a military flight/maintenance log. Same goes for "Pilot Malfunction".
Telling paratroopers that "only fools jump out of perfectly good airplanes" just makes them mad. Explaining why only makes it worse.
(Submitted by Krista)

When ordering supplies, "buttload", "assload", "shitload", "a little bit", or "whatever you feel like giving me", are not numbers.
Do not mix fake fangs and dress inspections.
Do not run up to refueling helicopters with a squeegee and a bucket, and ask for a dollar to wash their windows.
Do not say "Oops" when working with explosives, just to be funny.
It’s funny when Robin Williams speaks only in acronyms. It’s not when we do it.
(Submitted by Michael Nichols)

Do not put decaf in the 1SG’s coffee pot.
Halon fire suppression systems do not need "Live testing".
Knocking down targets with snowballs on the 9mm range is not helping.
CS grenades should not be used to mark drop zones.
(Submitted by Kelle Luoma)

Do not transport lingerie in open containers.
The morgue is not for storing beer.
A coffin is not a footlocker.
If it’s shaped like a coffin, then it’s a coffin, dammit.
Not allowed to pole dance while on fire guard.
Do not make bikinis out of military supplies.

2006-08-29 02:05:55 · 26 answers · asked by Mandy 2 in Jokes & Riddles

2006-08-29 02:05:44 · 11 answers · asked by anna 7 in Polls & Surveys

2006-08-29 02:05:42 · 4 answers · asked by seenu 2 in Biology

2006-08-29 02:05:42 · 3 answers · asked by Jon R 1 in Music

i want to check whether the name already existed or not only c language

2006-08-29 02:05:38 · 6 answers · asked by ram 1 in Programming & Design

And why did they stop?

2006-08-29 02:05:31 · 6 answers · asked by Jamester 3 in Other - Food & Drink

plz help me

2006-08-29 02:05:29 · 3 answers · asked by abhinaya2809 1 in Higher Education (University +)

i want to increase size of my breast........... plz help me

2006-08-29 02:05:25 · 9 answers · asked by nimms 1 in Skin & Body

2006-08-29 02:05:24 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous in Mental Health

RTPPSUO Hint: Hold on

vrenataxagt ....no hint :D

etedel

srleunmbca

2006-08-29 02:05:23 · 8 answers · asked by ? 2 in Words & Wordplay

She is very generous and nice. I care for her a lot but sometimes I lose my patience with her. When she invites us to dinner, I try to help out (because she complains when people don't help out) but then she supervises every step I make. For example, she has complained that I peel the carrots in the wrong direction or don't cut vegetables the right way, i.e., "her way" -- I prefer to cut them on a cutting board, she in midair. Most of the time, I just do what she says and try to take the high road. Other times it will be something so moot that I just put the utensils down and say, "Ok, you do it yourself--your way is the only way." I'm steaming at this point and then do not enjoy eating at all. She is much older and thinks that she has more experience so feels fine ordering me around in the kitchen. Any suggestions? Thanks in advance!

2006-08-29 02:05:18 · 25 answers · asked by CaymanSunrise 3 in Family

2006-08-29 02:05:16 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous in Polls & Surveys

I need to know! I'm just starting and I don't know where to go!

2006-08-29 02:05:13 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous in Astronomy & Space

Is there any there any training for this?

2006-08-29 02:05:08 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous in Dogs

do you think wolf mother is inspired by led zeppelin and black sabbath?

2006-08-29 02:05:08 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous in Music

Does anyone ever look up a word in the dictionary before they use it as a name calling device? How does the American government attempt to exalt nation and often race above the individual and stand for a centralized autocratic government headed by a dictatorial leader, severe economic and social regimentation, and forcible suppression of opposition? Don't these people realize that there is such a thing as National Security and Freedom that in this day and age still only have a few negotiating tools to defend and sometimes require covert actions? What would the opponents of military action around terrorist based countries propose as an alternative to those actions. Utopian society would have us all be able to communicate in each other's languages and resolve our difficulties at the lowest level. How many people are even ready to study Arabic and learn it fluently? If people consider that military action is abusive, what are they willing do to or fund as an alternative?

2006-08-29 02:04:56 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous in Other - Politics & Government

Do you think the police utilize the public enough? Do they interact in the communities? Have you ever had a police officer treat you like you were a nobody, even when just passing by, or seeing them in public. Do you think that most police think it is them against the whole world?

2006-08-29 02:04:48 · 12 answers · asked by DAVID T 3 in Law Enforcement & Police

2006-08-29 02:04:46 · 22 answers · asked by *Kali* 4 in Polls & Surveys

2006-08-29 02:04:46 · 10 answers · asked by nicekrngirl 3 in Television

I think that my friend is using me when everyone else is not around or gone off and when ever im with her she always talks about thers other friends shes meet. It makes me feel like im not good enough for her.and if i lose her as a friend i will lose 5 friends and i dont want to lose any of them.How to I know that she actually is and wants to be my friend??

2006-08-29 02:04:43 · 10 answers · asked by poppy! 2 in Friends

...to describe your feelings right now?

( :

2006-08-29 02:04:32 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous in Polls & Surveys

2006-08-29 02:04:31 · 6 answers · asked by cebi 2 in Desktops

2006-08-29 02:04:28 · 13 answers · asked by dave 1 in Air Travel

Is there another larger 12-13" wheel that can replace a standard 10" mini wheel (used for a trailer)? I understand that the PCD is 4"
Mini tyres are too dear now.

2006-08-29 02:04:23 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous in Maintenance & Repairs

I just need 2 MORE TV programmes (not films) that have just ONE WORD TITLES, and are FOOD!

First one gets 10 points

K x

2006-08-29 02:04:16 · 16 answers · asked by tee_hee_ssh 3 in Television

2006-08-29 02:04:16 · 31 answers · asked by divinepoetess98 1 in Football (American)

stacey love women,
harriet loves men,
wot wud i rate jesse 10/10.
staceys in bed with a sheet over her head coz she don't wan every1 to know she is dead.
but carole sed whos in my bed,
and stacey said me and im dead,
so the pair did not get wed coz stacey woz dead,
carole woz so upset she sold her bed,
then cut of her head.
but harriet and jesse lived and got married and had loads of babies. haha stacey did'nt

2006-08-29 02:04:13 · 9 answers · asked by Busty Blonde 2 in Singles & Dating