How do I deal with my highly critical mother-in-law?

Question

She is very generous and nice. I care for her a lot but sometimes I lose my patience with her. When she invites us to dinner, I try to help out (because she complains when people don't help out) but then she supervises every step I make. For example, she has complained that I peel the carrots in the wrong direction or don't cut vegetables the right way, i.e., "her way" -- I prefer to cut them on a cutting board, she in midair. Most of the time, I just do what she says and try to take the high road. Other times it will be something so moot that I just put the utensils down and say, "Ok, you do it yourself--your way is the only way." I'm steaming at this point and then do not enjoy eating at all. She is much older and thinks that she has more experience so feels fine ordering me around in the kitchen. Any suggestions? Thanks in advance!

Yes, it's a no-win situation. If there are any mother-in-laws out there, I'd like to hear from you too. I'm just asking could you just give your daughters-in-law a break sometimes? Yes, maybe we don't iron, cook, or clean exactly the way you would--but our husbands are happy! So that's all that should matter, right?

Answer 1

just point out to her what shes doing

Answer 2

I'm the kind of person who brings things out in the open and tries to get it resolved. The way I see it, why should my feelings have to suffer because of someone else's rudeness, arrogance or ignorance? If I had this particular problem with my mother-in-law I would say something like this, "Look, I enjoy helping you but does it really matter how (insert task here) is done? I know this is your house/kitchen but we're trying to accomplish the same task so what does it matter how the job gets done as long as the end result is the same? If you want my help, great, but if not it's ok to tell me." This way it addresses the problem without being accusing or defensive. Good luck!

Answer 3

I'M FEELING YOU SISTER!! I HAVE ONE LIKE THAT! THERE ARE SO MANY TIME'S YOU COULD JUST WIG OUT!! BUT THE WAY I DEAL WITH IT IS JUST BITE YOUR TOUNGE. IV'E BEEN THERE FOR 10 YEARS AND I SAY TO MYSELF IS WHAT SHE SAYS REALLY THAT BIG A DEAL? SO YOU DONT DO SOMETHING HER WAY, YOU MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING RIGHT SOMEWHERE CAUSE YOUR WITH YOUR HUSBAND. I THINK ABOUT MY HUSBAND AND HOW IT MAY MAKE HIM FEEL IF I GO OFF. SOME TIMES PEOPLE ARE JUST STUCK IN THERE WAYS AND THINK THERE ALWAYS RIGHT BUT I FEEL BEING THE BIGGER PERSON IS THE BEST ROUTE. WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT YOU ONLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT FOR A FEW HOURS AND IT MAKES YOUR HUSBAND HAPPY. IF IT GETS TO BAD ASK YOUR HUSBAND TO SAY SOME THING IT'S HIS MOM. AND TRY INVITING HER TO YOUR HOUSE FOR DINNER THAT WAY YOUR IN YOUR TERRITORY AND YOUR MORE COMFORTABLE. I'M NOT SAYING KISS HER FEET OR ANY THING BUT IS THE WAY YOU CUT A CARROT MATTER CAUSE IT'S GONNA TASTE THE SAME. YOU SAY SHE'S OLDER AND MAYBE SHE WONT BE HERE MUCH LONGER SO DONT USE THIS TIME TO LOOK AT THE BAD THINGS JUST TRY TO RELAX AND MAKE MEMORY'S YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND CAN SHARE YEARS FROM NOW. I KNOW IT'S HARD BUT MAYBE TRY BUYING HER A NEW CUTTING BOARD FOR CHRISTMAS! LOL!!! SHE MAY USE IT AND LIKE IT!!! HOPE THIS HELPED. ( JUST SO YOU KNOW I USE A CUTTING BOARD TO LOL!!!!!!!)

Answer 4

well after ya handed her the local residential HOME brochures and explained that kitchen is out of bounds in these places BUT they are very very nice people there !!!!!!! turn the whole thing into a laugh a minute thing, start doing things your way, then look at how she doing things then do the copy cat thing with a bit of a laugh with it, she will get so wound up herself then because you will have the upper hand...even if ya did do the veg HER WAY...LOL its the only way. Also why not invite her to your place and turn the tables on her and see how SHE likes it.

Answer 5

You say that she is a very generous and nice person and u care for her a lot so I`m guessing u both actually get along except in the kitchen. So how about telling in a nice way. Maybe something like this... Because you like doing things your way and I like doing things my way we are both going to clash in this kitchen So which one of us is going to do the job. Shall we toss a coin, heads I win tails you lose

Answer 6

First of all calm down, its a famous problem, thats why there are many jokes on in-laws, she doesn't mean to hurt you, its just a package deal, if you get married you get a MOTHER IN LAW. who usually likes to create problems if you go near her, there are many aspects how to look on it, first of all you got her lucky boy, so she is affraid that he will think more of you than of her (which might be true) and besides that its difficult for a person at that stage in life to get someone in their house with not her upbringing and this person does things differently and maybe even better. I can tell you that your kids in law will say similar things on you probably, and thats just how the system is. but don't take it personal, you might be the best person on planet but you will still get some critics from your mother in-law

Answer 7

trying to please a MIL like this is a losing proposition. it is an essential law of human nature that people will not respect people who work so hard to make them happy. 2 things: 1) stop reacting when she gives you the business. you will instantly regain your power. If you want to take it a step further, you can stop whatever you're doing when she criticizes you and remove yourself fromt he situation (do this NICELY, or else you will look bitchy) and she will see she can't control you. 2) DO NOT complain about this to your SO. If you do, you might find him siding with the woman who gave him life. In this situation, you have to be 10x sweeter and 10x nicer than she, and your SO will see her treatment of you as harsh. Hope that helps

Answer 8

Just simply tell her how you feel...
sit down with her and let her know that sometimes thigns can be done in different ways, and that you need her to allow you to do things your own way. Tell her that your help is from the bottom of your heart and that you are trying to do the best that you can. but if she continues to corret every move you make, your jsut nto goign to be able to help her anymore until she understands that.
(Theres no other way than to jsut tell people stright out how you feel)

Answer 9

Boy, it's a terrible problem to deal with isn't it? Damned if you do and damned if you don't. Think about this. It may be something useful and it may not. My dad bashed me for 50 years one way or another. At some point, I thought well, you SOB, there is NO WAY to please you EVER so I'll take what little I can, I'll not react to your spoiled-brat tirades and provocations, and let there be peace. It may help to know that you are a good and worthwhile, valuable person whether she's a witch or not. Bless you for your efforts.

Answer 10

Gosh, it sounds like you are living my life. My mother-in-law is sooooooo critical of me. It got worse when I had my first child. Finally my husband stood up to her for me and they stopped talking for a while. I know I shouldn't be happy that they stopped talking, but it did feel good that my husband stood up for me. Now they are back talking and she does restrain herself. Things are a lot better and if she gets a little critical or controlling I just remind myself that we only see her a couple of times a month and inside I know I am a great mother and admittedly I am not a very good cook.

Answer 11

Tell her that the way you do things is your way, not hers. Tell her that you feel intimidated to a certain extent and/or bossed around and that what she does offends you sometimes. Be open and honest with her about the way she makes you feel - but in the same conversation tell her that you value her advice sometimes but that she should wait to be asked for it, rather than just dish it out.