Entertainment & Music - 3 December 2007

Swearing at work Memo
Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

FOR EXAMPLE:

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting b__ch.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f______ way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh__ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f______ problem.

8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Go fu__ yourself.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F___ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: Fu__ this job.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a d___k.

Thank You, Human Resources

2007-12-03 22:17:21 · 11 answers · asked by jake5282 2 in Jokes & Riddles

Entertaining in Your Home
a. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything
prepared by a taxidermist.
b. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, even if his manners
are better than those of your mother-in-law.

Dining Out
a. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper
cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the bouquet of
the wine.
b. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it
with your fingers covering the label.

Personal Hygiene
a. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job
that should be done in private using one's own truck keys.
b. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for
several days. If you live alone, however, deodorant is
a waste of good money.
c. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no,
as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter
the taste of finger foods.

Rules of the Road
a. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if
the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
b. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the
largest tires always has the right of way.
c. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
d. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can,
it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
e. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle when you
are the driver.
f. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Weddings
a) Ex-mother-in-laws should not be invited to weddings,
unless they are the parole officers of the bride or groom.
b) Rifles and handguns are not appropriate wedding gifts.
c) When giving a set of towels, tires, milk-crates or
hub-caps as wedding gifts, try to pick the same make
or color for each piece of the set.
d) If the bride is more than 8 months pregnant, it is better
to have the wedding after the delivery of the baby, so that
the bride can fully enjoy and participate in the wedding
brawl.

2007-12-03 22:16:30 · 7 answers · asked by jake5282 2 in Jokes & Riddles

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up
raring to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks
down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his
surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully
dressed in camouflage.

Jake asks her, "What are you up to?"

Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"

Jake, though he had many reservations about this,
reluctantly decides to take her along.

Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just
outside of San Marcos, Texas.

Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and
tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and
I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."

Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that
Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer.

Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an
array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back.
As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming,
"Get the hell away from my deer!"

Confused and frightened, Jake races faster towards his
screaming wife. And again he hears her yell,
"Get the hell away from my deer!" followed by another
volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is
surprised to see a Texas cowboy with his hands high
in the air.

The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay, lady!
You can have your damn deer!
Just let me get my saddle off it!"

2007-12-03 22:15:07 · 9 answers · asked by jake5282 2 in Jokes & Riddles

Here it is, the secret chart used by bachelors worldwide,
because they don't have wives who can recognize on sight (and sometimes before) when the Big Mac has become one with the special sauce.

FREEZER FOODS:

ICE CREAM - If you can't tell the difference between your ice cubes and your ice cream, it's time to throw BOTH out.

FROZEN FOODS - Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably
be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

IN THE FRIDGE:

EGGS - When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS - Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage
cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway
-- if you can dig down and still find something non-green, bon appetite!

MEAT - If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, toss the
meat.

UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. EMPTY

ON THE SHELF:

CANNED GOODS - Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of ... Very carefully.

POTATOES - Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense,leafy undergrowth.

THE GAG TEST - Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially
acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas
are good indications that your bread has turned into a
pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. You may wish to discard it at this time,
depending on your interest in pharmaceuticals.

CEREAL: It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration
date, or when it will no longer fall out of the box by itself.

FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles, or things fly out when you open it.

PRETZELS: Normally eternal, pretzels may be discarded if they can no longer be picked up without falling apart. Otherwise, there's nothing to stop you from eating a pretzel that the Pharaoh put
down only 4000 years ago.

RAISINS: Raisins should not usually be harder than your teeth.

SALT: It never spoils. However, if you can't chip off reasonable
amounts from the block, maybe another box is in order, as fresh salt usually pours.

SPICES: Most spices cannot die, they just fade away. They will be fine on your shelf, forever. Put them in your will.

VINEGAR: If your grandmother made it, it is probably still good.

EXPIRATION DATES: This is not a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Even dry foods older than you are may be ready to replace. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your
kitchen.

2007-12-03 22:14:19 · 6 answers · asked by jake5282 2 in Jokes & Riddles

why?

2007-12-03 22:10:52 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous in Polls & Surveys

2007-12-03 22:01:00 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Polls & Surveys

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us griping about you leaving it down.

2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

4. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

5. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

6. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

7. Crying is blackmail.

8. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

9. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

10. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty,
would look good with your dress?

11. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

12. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

14. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

15. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

16. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

17. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

18. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

19. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

20. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

21. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

22. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

23. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

24. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

25. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

26. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

27. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

28. You have enough clothes.

29. You have too many shoes.

30. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)

31. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

32. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

33. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

2007-12-03 21:59:26 · 15 answers · asked by .... 6 in Jokes & Riddles

So, I've noticed that there are alot of movies starring men with all sorts of looks, ugly, hot, and in-between, but the female love interest is ALWAYS far more attractive than average. People seem averse to watching unattractive women on screen in roles where men are interested in them. Even in a movie like Shallow Hal where the point is that Hal is with an ugly woman, she appears attractive during almost all of her screen time...

So, are there any movies where the central romance involves a really attractive guy, and an ugly woman? (And not "movie ugly" as in she is gorgeous but wears nerd classes, I mean actually played by an unattractive actress...)

And, are there any movies where a very attractive man is dating an ugly woman, and this combination is just realism, not the point of the movie? I saw one 5-minute art film once where this was the case, but I think that's it...

2007-12-03 21:58:49 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous in Movies

2007-12-03 21:57:44 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous in Polls & Surveys

Ten Reasons Why TV Is Better Than The World-Wide Web

1. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.

2. When was the last time you tuned in to "Friends" and got a "Not Found 404" message?

3. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV.

4. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.

5. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.

6. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.

7. "CSI" never slows down when a lot of people tune in.

8. You just can't find those cool infomercials on the Web.

9. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to cable.

10. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a soda in one hand and chips in the other.

2007-12-03 21:54:32 · 11 answers · asked by .... 6 in Jokes & Riddles

2007-12-03 21:54:06 · 38 answers · asked by Anonymous in Polls & Surveys

only 1 though

2007-12-03 21:48:00 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous in Polls & Surveys

2007-12-03 21:47:35 · 16 answers · asked by Nunya Bidniss 7 in Polls & Surveys

Movies like Super size me, Blood Diamon

movies that tells the negative things

2007-12-03 21:46:54 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous in Movies

http://youtube.com/watch?v=CX9BHgdua5k

2007-12-03 21:46:33 · 4 answers · asked by One 2 in Polls & Surveys

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

2007-12-03 21:46:26 · 15 answers · asked by .... 6 in Jokes & Riddles

I'll meet God's Child

2007-12-03 21:44:58 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous in Polls & Surveys

1) Home
2) Mickey D's
3) Gas Station
4) Starbucks
5) Other___________________

2007-12-03 21:44:26 · 6 answers · asked by Nunya Bidniss 7 in Polls & Surveys

pikachu?

2007-12-03 21:43:08 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous in Polls & Surveys

2007-12-03 21:42:34 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous in Polls & Surveys

2007-12-03 21:42:13 · 7 answers · asked by Nunya Bidniss 7 in Polls & Surveys

What I meant was give or receive? It's a metaphor

2007-12-03 21:40:45 · 15 answers · asked by Ken-Eros 6 in Polls & Surveys

a bloody knife and make you hold it...then he arrest you for murdered someone?

2007-12-03 21:37:30 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous in Polls & Surveys

I always do. I never slept outside in my life. lol

2007-12-03 21:26:28 · 41 answers · asked by .... 6 in Polls & Surveys

And this time I want serious answers, no Paul Stanley hating answers either.
GOT IT!

Thank you *smiles ever so sweetly*

2007-12-03 21:22:39 · 4 answers · asked by ♆Şрhĩņxy - Lost In Time. 7 in Celebrities

2007-12-03 21:22:07 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous in Polls & Surveys

2007-12-03 21:11:50 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous in Polls & Surveys

YAY or NAY ??

2007-12-03 21:09:35 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Polls & Surveys

Missy Elliot is up there too, who is the next big real woman!? Keisha Cole? These women put Britney Spears to shame!

2007-12-03 21:06:30 · 3 answers · asked by AnswerWhore 2 in Celebrities

Would you give me a free service ??

2007-12-03 21:03:21 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous in Polls & Surveys