I wanted to write a question that I really hope I can get some help with.
About 6 months ago I had an abortion that I really did not want to have, the pregnancy wasn’t planned but the dad and I had just started dating (we where both in relationships before but very good friends). I had always thought that if I got pregnant by exedent I would get an abortion but the amazing thing was that when I found out that I was pregnant or got a confirmation that I was (because I somehow just knew the next day) I was over whelmed whit joy. I told my partner about the pregnancy and he totally freaked out, said things like he didn’t understand that I would even consider keeping the baby and such. After a lot of fighting and talking and crying, he finally got to his senses and said that he would support me in what I wanted to do, although he made it clear that he wanted me to have an abortion. I was then determined to keep the baby, and like I had told him it would be up to him if he wanted to be any part of this (of course I hoped he would be). Then I called my mother to tell her the news, expecting her to be really happy (she has always been obsessed with me having kids, talking about how it’s better to have kids young and such I’m 25). When I told her she reacted way differently than I would have thought basically suggesting I got an abortion. My mom has always been my best friend and we are very close so this was a huge disappointment and shock for me. I told some of my really good friends that where all happy and exited for me, but the two people that mattered the most wanted me to terminate the pregnancy. At some point I decided to make an appointment but not to have the procedure done, but when I got there with my boyfriend I was in such a daze and so confused and exhausted from fighting, I felt like I had no control and before I knew the procedure was done, I wasn’t pregnant anymore. I don’t even remember the whole thing but the doctor told me when I went for a check up I cried the whole time (why she wouldn’t stop I don’t understand). The first month after, I was very sick and had tons of complications.
Well to try and wrap this up, I have been seriously sad even depressed ever since, I have horrible dreams and can’t stop thinking about my baby. Also I am so mad at them (even though I don’t want to and love them so much but I just cant help it) because I feel like they got what they wanted and took away the thing I wanted the most. For a while things between that “dad” and me where a little strange but then we started really dating again. Since the abortion I haven’t been able to thing about anything but to get pregnant again, I even thought about quitting my birth control (that I hate, because it just reminds me every day that I can’t get pregnant) without telling him (I honestly never thought I would even think thoughts as crazy as this).
Three months ago my boyfriend comes over after going out and having a few beers with his buddies, and starts telling me how awful he feels about the baby, how much he loves me and how he wants to have kid with me. I was really surprised for this sudden change of heart and a bit skeptical, but couldn’t help being happy. A few days later when I start talking about this (both parties sober) he tells me he probably said more than he should have and that at this point he thinks having a baby isn’t a good idea.
Since then we haven’t talked about it but all I wasn’t is to get pregnant and I feel like I’ll never get “better” until I do get pregnant and have his child, whether he sticks around or not. I am well on my way to get my PhD at a very prestigious university, I ‘m lucky enough to have the financial means to take care of myself and a baby (even him not that he needs that by any means) and could very well afford hiring help. I don’t know what his deal is, I know he loves me and wants to be with me (the man has picked out song for our wedding!) but I feel like he is to afraid to take the step, and when he dose he kind of backs out of it again.
What do I do? I’m so confused ….
2007-12-20
04:40:03
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19 answers
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Anonymous