Unwanted abortion, wanting to get pregnant again?

Question

I wanted to write a question that I really hope I can get some help with.
About 6 months ago I had an abortion that I really did not want to have, the pregnancy wasn’t planned but the dad and I had just started dating (we where both in relationships before but very good friends). I had always thought that if I got pregnant by exedent I would get an abortion but the amazing thing was that when I found out that I was pregnant or got a confirmation that I was (because I somehow just knew the next day) I was over whelmed whit joy. I told my partner about the pregnancy and he totally freaked out, said things like he didn’t understand that I would even consider keeping the baby and such. After a lot of fighting and talking and crying, he finally got to his senses and said that he would support me in what I wanted to do, although he made it clear that he wanted me to have an abortion. I was then determined to keep the baby, and like I had told him it would be up to him if he wanted to be any part of this (of course I hoped he would be). Then I called my mother to tell her the news, expecting her to be really happy (she has always been obsessed with me having kids, talking about how it’s better to have kids young and such I’m 25). When I told her she reacted way differently than I would have thought basically suggesting I got an abortion. My mom has always been my best friend and we are very close so this was a huge disappointment and shock for me. I told some of my really good friends that where all happy and exited for me, but the two people that mattered the most wanted me to terminate the pregnancy. At some point I decided to make an appointment but not to have the procedure done, but when I got there with my boyfriend I was in such a daze and so confused and exhausted from fighting, I felt like I had no control and before I knew the procedure was done, I wasn’t pregnant anymore. I don’t even remember the whole thing but the doctor told me when I went for a check up I cried the whole time (why she wouldn’t stop I don’t understand). The first month after, I was very sick and had tons of complications.
Well to try and wrap this up, I have been seriously sad even depressed ever since, I have horrible dreams and can’t stop thinking about my baby. Also I am so mad at them (even though I don’t want to and love them so much but I just cant help it) because I feel like they got what they wanted and took away the thing I wanted the most. For a while things between that “dad” and me where a little strange but then we started really dating again. Since the abortion I haven’t been able to thing about anything but to get pregnant again, I even thought about quitting my birth control (that I hate, because it just reminds me every day that I can’t get pregnant) without telling him (I honestly never thought I would even think thoughts as crazy as this).
Three months ago my boyfriend comes over after going out and having a few beers with his buddies, and starts telling me how awful he feels about the baby, how much he loves me and how he wants to have kid with me. I was really surprised for this sudden change of heart and a bit skeptical, but couldn’t help being happy. A few days later when I start talking about this (both parties sober) he tells me he probably said more than he should have and that at this point he thinks having a baby isn’t a good idea.
Since then we haven’t talked about it but all I wasn’t is to get pregnant and I feel like I’ll never get “better” until I do get pregnant and have his child, whether he sticks around or not. I am well on my way to get my PhD at a very prestigious university, I ‘m lucky enough to have the financial means to take care of myself and a baby (even him not that he needs that by any means) and could very well afford hiring help. I don’t know what his deal is, I know he loves me and wants to be with me (the man has picked out song for our wedding!) but I feel like he is to afraid to take the step, and when he dose he kind of backs out of it again.

What do I do? I’m so confused ….

I wanted to say thank you, and belief me when I say, I know this was ultimately my choice and I can not blame them for it, I take and have taken full responsibility for what I did which is also why I’m feeling this bad, it’s not a great feeling hurting your self this much.

Answer 1

Im so sorry you have had to go through this, I had an abprtion once when I was 17yrs old but i dont really regret it as i have a son now and I wouldnt of had him or been with my current partner etc, I have to be honest with you and say I dont think you should be with this man, I think he is playing games, you have to tell him how you feel and that you want children now and if he doesnt maybe he isnt the one for you, your 25yrs old not a child your mature enough to have a child you have the means to look after a child etc i just hope you dont want a baby to ease your guilt only, I went through a similar thing of only thinking about having a baby after i had an abortion my situation was completley different to your own but the guilt still the same, it will get easier, but this man isnt helping you at all, myabe spend some time alone, think of yourself and what you really want and if he is included in the picture, if he is you have to tell him how important this is to him and if he cant understand this maybe he isnt the one for you .

I hope I have helped you in some way, i feel for you i really do if you want to talk about wot you have been through with someone who has been through similar feel free to mail me anytime x

Answer 2

I say to chick789 - you are a very unsympathetic person who should keep opinions like that to yourself! Can't you see the woman regrets the abortion and you telling her she made a mistake will only make her feel worse - if thats possible!! Grow up and try to be abit more supportive of someone in emotional turmoil!

Anyway, my opinion on this is that you need some councilling. A 'new' baby may not heal the hurt or take away the regret you are feeling over what you decided to do during your last pregnancy. I also suggest that you tell your mum how much you needed her support, and that she let you down. Maybe she will understand how much you need her now more than ever when you tell her how unhappy you are with the decision you feel you were forced into making.

As for your boyfriend, this guy seems very immature to me. I'm sure you can do better and the joy you will feel when you are expecting a baby with someone you know loves you will be way better than what you will have with this guy. After all, he forced you into a major decision which you will regret for the rest of your life - that says everything. Leave him.

Try to deal with your emotions and I really wish you the best of luck. Take charge or your own life and don't be pushed around by anyone.

Answer 3

Your story made me want to reach out as I can relate and empathize. It's obvious you're both experiencing a sense of guilt and remorse over what's transpired between you. The depression and feelings you have are very real. The ones he is having as well are also very real. However neither of you are at a time when you can think "clearly" about anything. What you speak of sounds so familiar....so very familiar.
Before you let yourself get too engulfed in the pain (I know you're already feeling it) seek help. Talk to a counselor that you know will be neutral on the subject. Allow yourself to talk, to cry to reach out. Eventually the pain does ease....

As for your feelings to want to get pregnant again right away. Been there and done that. However!! DO NOT DO IT NOW. The best thing you can do for yourself and for your BF is to relax, take some time and wait. A lot of couples do not stay together after an abortion has occured. Mostly due to guilt they can never get away from. Having a baby now would not replace the one you lost. No matter where you go, who you are, etc you will always, always think of that baby you didn't keep. Trust me. But time does make things easier. You have resentment toward your BF and mother for helping you make the choice. If you don't yet, you will and you'll never forget that either. However there are reasons your mother and your bf gave you that advice. I imagine your mother cares for you a great deal and doesn't want to see you get hurt or lose your way. Your bf has his own agendas. You ultimately made the final decision knowing deep down how much these people were right about you and everything going on around you during this incredibly hard time. DO NOT IGNORE IT.

In my heart (even though I know I am so far away) I do not think this is the right man for you to consider having children with. He is on one minute, off the next, drinking with his buddies, sober the next. His excuses sound so familiar and I've heard them used before. Remember they are HIS excuses. Not yours. He sounds irresponsible and careless and probably selfish to boot. You might love him but I doubt when he wanted you to have an abortion he was thinking about what you wanted from it all. That's HIS GUILT to deal with. Not yours. So don't make it that way. Worry right now about number #1 --- you.

I think you and your bf should take time away from each other. Time heals the wounds....you will see.

Good Luck.

Answer 4

Usually, I'm against young single women having kids, as I am a young single mother. But seeing that you are well of age, you are financially capable of taking care of that child, and you want a child for the right reason, I can't help but feel your pain. My first first pregnancy ended in miscarriage. I was so happy at the thought of having a child, it tore me apart when I found out I was no longer pregnant. I got pregnant several months later, and soon after the news her father and I broke up. I was supposed to get her aborted but after talking to my family I decided to keep her and raise her on my own. I cannot imagine what my life would be like without her.

There are sperm banks you can go to, and you can even choose the race of your child. This is an option because you are well capable of taking care of this child on your own. You can also give your boyfriend the ultimatum, he can have a child with you, or you are going to have it on your own. Whether he wants to be the father or not, it's not his decision, unless he wants to father a child for you. There are positives to having kids younger, not as much medical complications, easier to loose the weight, lower rates of birth defects, etc. The choice is YOURS. If he can have sex with you, and is not ready to deal with the concequences, he should be using protection. And that goes even if you are on birth control. As for your mother, believe me, she will come aroound. My mother and I never did get along, and I knew she didn't approve of me having a baby (I was only 19). But she came around, and our relationship is so much better now. I can now see things from her point of view, a mothers point of view.

The other option would be to dump that loser and find yourself a real man who wants to have a family with you. You deserve it. But I would try talking to your boyfriend first and find out what's holding him back. Maybe he's not ready for a commitment, or maybe he's scared. My ex always loved kids, and wanted one but when he found out I was pregnant I could tell he was a little scared. Don't worry, it will happen, and this is something you might want to think a little over, and decide if nows a good time. I wish you the best of luck and hope that God will bless you with a beautiful baby when the time is right.

Answer 5

I'd wait until you guys are married to have a baby. I'm really sorry that you feel such a great disappointment and grief. Its going to take you a long time to grieve and heal. I'd work on forgiving yourself before you tried for a baby. Yes, you feel like its other's faults for talking you into the decision... but ultimately, you went along with their choice. And you have to deal with that feeling in some sort of a healthy way before you'll be ready to start a family.

Unfortunately, I had a similar thing happen to me when my now husband and I were first dating. I got pregnant 2 months after knowing him. He desperately wanted the baby, but my family was very against us having a child. They filled my head with lies about how this man would never be with me and I was ruining my life and that I was being selfish to my family because they'd probably end up having to take care of me and my child. My dad told me he'd poison me to kill the baby if he didn't think it'd hurt me too. It was a very sad time. I ended up having the procedure done... like you, I screamed through the whole thing... I had complications afterwards and cried for days and days. It took me a full 2 1/2 years to get over my loss. Though I felt very pressured, it was ultimately me who went along with them. I had the power to say no, but yet I didn't.

Well, turned out my parents were wrong. I'm still with that guy and we've now been married over 2 years. We ended up trying to get pregnant last year, and were successful. We now have a 2month daughter. I am so freaking grateful she's here. It'll be hard when you first have your child. I'd look at my baby girl when she was first born and just cry. I couldn't believe how stupid I was to think that having this kind of a blessing was a bad thing. But its gotten better. It also helped that we planned out the pregnancy the second time... with both of us in agreeance. It made it feel like we had more control over the situation.

You are always going to have resentment, doubt, grief, guilt, etc. But you will find a way to cope. But do yourself, your future baby, and your BF a favor... make sure he's committed enough to you that he'd marry you before you even think about making a child!

Answer 6

hey, i am sorry for the situation you found yourself in, it sounds like it was a very difficult desicion, but it was your decision, not theirs you should have told them it was your body and your baby, your mum owuld have come round and the boyfriend however much you love him should never have asked you to do it, however you have and are taking responsibility for it and im sorry for your loss, although i really dont believe in abortion, havin a baby by any means even stopping your pill secretly i would condone this time because of what he did to you, although make 100% sure you can support yourselves if your bf doesnt come round which i think he will. Also unfortunately i dont think this new baby will take away the sadness of the last one, i made that mistake myslef after my second born died after birth, yes your happy but you still have the guilt and the pain and everything else, just be careful but you sound like you have your head on the right way, just dont let them bully you again do this for you. good luck hun and all the best.x

Answer 7

ok well it sounds like you have been through alot. im sorry to hear about the abortion and its a shame you didnt have a chance to make the decision yourself.
i understand how much you want to have a baby but make sure you are in the right situation if you decide to do it. i know you will be able to support the baby financially and that you will love it so much but remember children do need fathers and it wouldnt be fair if your child has to grow up without its daddy around if your partner decided to leave you.
also if its likely that he would leave you have to ask yourself who you would rather have? your boyfriend or a baby. im not saying that one is a better choice than the other thats totally your decision.
also its not really fair on your boyfriend if you trick him into having a baby, if he really is the one then you have the rest of your lives to have children.
as for your mum, you may be close to her and of course you care what she thinks but this is your choice, not hers and she will love the baby once it gets here should you choose to have one.
if you do decide to get pregnant again dont let anyone make your decisions for you. its your body your baby and your choice. stand strong and do whatever you think is right
i hope you make the right decision and everything works out
good luck and merry xmas x

Answer 8

The first step for you is to admit your responsibility for YOUR actions. Self reflection is never easy, but it needs to be done for your own sake. YOU had the pregnancy terminated, the baby was yours to protect and take care of. You had no gun to your head, you made the choice, now you must find a way to live with it,and move on. Getting pregnant again to assuage your guilt is not the answer. I would recommend that you take a year to get over this. If your decisions are so easily influenced by others you are not yet mature enough to take on the all encompassing responsibilities of parenthood. I think in taking full responsibility for your actions you may find a way to be stronger, and less influenced by other peoples opinions. You are 25, on your way to a PhD, you are financially independent, these are all amazing qualities. You are blessed, so start acting like an adult and suck it up, take responsibility, and grow up.

Answer 9

You need to leave this guy, finish school, find a good job, find a good man and THEN start a family. Regardless of what anyone else said or did it was still YOUR choice to abort the child. I was pressured by my bf and stepmom my entire pregnancy to get an abortion and never stepped foot in a clinic. Stop thinking having a baby will wipe away your guilt and regrets, accept responsibility for your choice and move on.

Answer 10

Be VERY, VERY careful. This new baby will not take away the sadness over the one you aborted. I would make sure you are in a really stable relationship before you consider another baby. Financially you will be fine, you say, but a baby is a LOT of work and you are in a strenuous program at school. Someone to help you would be very important.

Give yourself more time to grieve and reconsider another baby when you can think more clearly.