Entertainment & Music - 17 November 2006

1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply
pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The
blockage is almost instantly removed.

2. A mousetrap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent
you from going back to sleep.

3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by
getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

4. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

5. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f*****g thing in the first place, you fat b******s.

6. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky.. The
following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

7. Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the
seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

8. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

9. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

10. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning; having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

11. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to what you want to look at.

12. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

13. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.

14. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

15. Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

16. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

17. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

18. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

19. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

20. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply p*ssing in the sink.

21. Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

22. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.

23. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

24. Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.

25. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

26. Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.

27. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

28. Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your
windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.

29. Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings..

30. Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!

31. Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

2006-11-17 00:32:10 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous in Jokes & Riddles

2006-11-17 00:32:02 · 7 answers · asked by Ellie 1 in Other - Entertainment

2006-11-17 00:31:14 · 10 answers · asked by spun_up_06 4 in Polls & Surveys

I dont know the how it goes, but its like its not what i am on the inside that defines me, its what i do on the outside. I dont know the exact phrase, but i would like it if somebody could tell me thx

2006-11-17 00:30:57 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous in Movies

can be 10 shows and 10 movies or just 10 shows or a combination of shows and movies

2006-11-17 00:30:46 · 12 answers · asked by gunslingerroland7sk 2 in Comics & Animation

four guys having a drink in a pub when the scottish fella says "do you know my wife and i are so patriotic when our son was born we decided to call him Andrew" and the welshman says "isnt that strange when our son was born on St Davids day we decided to call him David" , " what a coincidence" says the englishman " we had our son on St Georges day so we called him George" then Paddy pipes up "oh be Jesus do you know i was just saying to our Pancake the other day......"

2006-11-17 00:30:28 · 14 answers · asked by haz h 2 in Jokes & Riddles

thanx~

2006-11-17 00:29:47 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous in Polls & Surveys

The one with the little wind up toy & the creepy song 'Let me call you sweetheart'. What are the other really bad adverts you've seen??

2006-11-17 00:29:20 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Television

2006-11-17 00:28:18 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous in Comics & Animation

and violating pretty much every single one of the community guidelines.... how is it that I escaped a violation notice?

Were the Yahoo police taking the day off or is irony making a comeback?

2006-11-17 00:28:09 · 23 answers · asked by Ellie29uk 3 in Polls & Surveys

Two flies on a piece of ****
One farts
At this the other shouts...
Oi ! Aint you got no manners?...Not while I'm eating.

2006-11-17 00:27:30 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous in Jokes & Riddles

That kids today don't know who the Warner Brothers characters are? My 8-year-old daughter had never seen a Bugs Bunny or Daffy Duck cartoon in her life until I found a bunch of them online. Why are these no longer shown?

2006-11-17 00:26:58 · 26 answers · asked by Rebecca 5 in Comics & Animation

What is the story behind this movie? Who is this guy? Why has he pissed everyone off?

2006-11-17 00:26:30 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous in Movies

2006-11-17 00:25:56 · 23 answers · asked by Special nobody 5 in Polls & Surveys

What's on the B side to candle in the wind?

Crash Bang Wallop What a picture

2006-11-17 00:24:37 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous in Jokes & Riddles

2006-11-17 00:24:09 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous in Polls & Surveys

dob 16/02/1969
place:bhagalpur
time 13:46:30

2006-11-17 00:22:41 · 2 answers · asked by ranjan k 1 in Horoscopes

This man is my father that I have never seen. I have called many Rex Allen Oren's in the U.S.A but have come up short every time. All my life I have tried to find this man who is my father and if any has any info on a Rex Allen Oren please let me no! Here is some info I no about him, He is from Indiana, he is been 50 to 57 years old. Was married to a woman by the name of pat or pathrisha, and had 3 brothers, not sure were all blood related, Mark, Mike, & Butch. He aslo had a daughter who live's in indiana. He has been to prison. He is around 5"9 to 5"11, he walks with a limp due to knee cap blown off. Once I get more info, will post it and any info giving would be so great. Any one and all who know's a Rex Allen Oren who sounds like this please let me no. Thanks

2006-11-17 00:21:35 · 2 answers · asked by joat 1 1 in Celebrities

Yesterday for a laugh I asked a question about two signs matching in a relationship. I thought it was all nonsense
However a kind user took the birthdays and came back with a description of the two people. She'd never met either but produced a character assessment of both which was almost perfection, down to the smallest detail

Now is that coincidence or anything deeper ?

2006-11-17 00:21:25 · 17 answers · asked by Yeah yeah yeah 5 in Horoscopes

2006-11-17 00:20:47 · 7 answers · asked by welshwife 4 in Music

2006-11-17 00:19:35 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous in Polls & Surveys

DOB 16/02/1969
PLACE:BHAGALPUR(BIHAR)
TIME 13:46:30

2006-11-17 00:18:07 · 4 answers · asked by ranjan k 1 in Horoscopes

How do you know when your sister is having her period?

Your dad's knob tastes funny

2006-11-17 00:15:01 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous in Jokes & Riddles

Seriously, people. Who's sick of the half-@ss answerers? I know I'm not alone in this.

2006-11-17 00:14:01 · 30 answers · asked by Special nobody 5 in Polls & Surveys

2006-11-17 00:13:35 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Music

At 3am, the manager of the local fisherman's club receives a phone call at home from a man who sounds quite drunk. The man asks the manager, 'What time does the club open?'. The manager says, Noon and he hangs up. An hour later the phone rings again and the same voice asks, 'What time does the club open.
At 6.30 the phone rings and the same voice asks, 'Wenja shay the club opens at?. The manager now quite peeved, yells, i told you before it opnes at noon. And if you don't sober up, you won't be allowed to get in. The slurry drunken voice then says. Ah don't wanna get in, I wanna get out.

A drunken fisherman was seen crawling down some railroad tracks. Asked if there was a problem, he replied, Yeah can you help me off this ladder

2006-11-17 00:12:25 · 17 answers · asked by chantelle d 3 in Jokes & Riddles

2006-11-17 00:11:13 · 2 answers · asked by Cool Dude 3 in Television

Movies like You got served and it got hiphop and r&b music in it please tell me?

2006-11-17 00:10:46 · 12 answers · asked by niya 1 in Movies

It looks extremely real, but I'm surprised Borat wasn't shot or seriously beaten by one of the Security/Body Guards!

2006-11-17 00:09:27 · 8 answers · asked by monty_4_wayland 1 in Movies

2006-11-17 00:09:09 · 15 answers · asked by ok 4 in Polls & Surveys