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Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to
Sean, "You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course,
me mother and me sister."
"Well," Sean replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."
----------------------------------------------------------
A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd
scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant.
To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu:
appetizers, lobster, champagne . . . the works. Finally he asked
her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"
"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."
----------------------------------------------------------
Chad nervously approached his girlfriend's father and said "Excuse
me, Mr. Scott, but there was something I wanted to ask you."
"Well, of course, young man!" the proud father replied. "You have my
full blessing. My daughter's happiness is all I want."
"Blessing, sir?" Chad stammered.
"Yes, of course. You want to marry my daughter, right?" Mr. Scott
said.
"Uh, no sir, that's not it." said Chad. "Actually, my car payment is
due, and I'm a little short until payday, and I wanted to know if I
could borrow fifty dollars until Friday."
"Heck no!" yelled Mr. Scott. "I hardly know you."
----------------------------------------------------------
Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to
speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had
been.
"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died,
Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three
envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in
these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do
exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this
money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket
with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very
comfortably."
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this
for anice funeral 'I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and
bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."
"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this
to buy a nice stone.'"
Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said...
"So, do you like my stone?" showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.
----------------------------------------------------------
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station,
was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of
schedule, at 2 AM.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into
the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and
said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store
on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting
headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he
got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the
druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"
"Yes, I am," said the officer.
"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's
uniform?"
2006-06-24
11:22:45
·
5 answers
·
asked by
Anonymous
in
Jokes & Riddles