This is only my preface, but I might add a little more later.
Preface
Shadows haunt me, always one step away, as I pace the hallway. My footsteps echo strangely; the hollow sound reverberates against the stone walls, blending with a steady drip of water and far-away voices. My hands are shaking erratically, as if frozen to the bone, while all over I am sweating. I can’t control my movements anymore, drifting from wall to wall, window to window, past locked doors. Thoughts, like the always-shifting shadows, follow me everywhere I go. I can’t avoid them. In a way, those thoughts are a relief, a temporary distraction from the worry and fear that is gnawing away at me.
This shouldn’t have happened. This is my fault and mine alone. I made one too many mistakes, was too reckless, too thoughtless, and…
I can’t face what might happen now. If our plans fail, it’s all over for him, all over for me. That thought alone, let alone everything else that’s cluttering my mind, is enough to make me cry. I force the tears back, and it works. I escape crying, for once.
In my mind, the past is replaying in snapshots, each moment frozen, and this I can’t escape. I pace some more, stop, and consider sitting down, but I remain standing. I find a window and stare out, but all I see is a wide expanse of green, another of blue above it. In this state of mind, I cannot remember which is earth and which is sky.
A single tree, old and bowing, breaks the green with a bit of brown and autumn’s red. Clouds split the blue, puffy and unrealistically white. The sun is hidden almost completely, but it’s too bright and somehow larger than usual.
It’s only then that I hear footsteps, careful, quiet, resounding through the corridor. I list the possibilities in my mind quickly, trying to reason with myself. It’s him, I think, over and over again, forcing this overly-hopeful thought to come true. I choose a star and wish on it, drop a penny in a fountain, and cross my stiff, frozen fingers.
I’m a fool. It’s next to impossible. If I could, I would tell you the odds. All I know, though, is that they are definitely against us.
The footsteps grow louder, more defined, sharper. I strain my eyes to see, and the hallway seems to stretch before me, long and cold, shadowed and sinister. I have my hopes up, but they quickly fall as I see an unfamiliar figure, too tall and bulky, dart around a corner. My anticipation fades to fear, and I lean against the wall, forcing calmness on my tensed nerves and freezing limbs.
It will be a long wait.
2006-10-04
13:10:43
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