What do you think of my story so far?

Question

This is only my preface, but I might add a little more later.

Preface

Shadows haunt me, always one step away, as I pace the hallway. My footsteps echo strangely; the hollow sound reverberates against the stone walls, blending with a steady drip of water and far-away voices. My hands are shaking erratically, as if frozen to the bone, while all over I am sweating. I can’t control my movements anymore, drifting from wall to wall, window to window, past locked doors. Thoughts, like the always-shifting shadows, follow me everywhere I go. I can’t avoid them. In a way, those thoughts are a relief, a temporary distraction from the worry and fear that is gnawing away at me.
This shouldn’t have happened. This is my fault and mine alone. I made one too many mistakes, was too reckless, too thoughtless, and…
I can’t face what might happen now. If our plans fail, it’s all over for him, all over for me. That thought alone, let alone everything else that’s cluttering my mind, is enough to make me cry. I force the tears back, and it works. I escape crying, for once.
In my mind, the past is replaying in snapshots, each moment frozen, and this I can’t escape. I pace some more, stop, and consider sitting down, but I remain standing. I find a window and stare out, but all I see is a wide expanse of green, another of blue above it. In this state of mind, I cannot remember which is earth and which is sky.
A single tree, old and bowing, breaks the green with a bit of brown and autumn’s red. Clouds split the blue, puffy and unrealistically white. The sun is hidden almost completely, but it’s too bright and somehow larger than usual.
It’s only then that I hear footsteps, careful, quiet, resounding through the corridor. I list the possibilities in my mind quickly, trying to reason with myself. It’s him, I think, over and over again, forcing this overly-hopeful thought to come true. I choose a star and wish on it, drop a penny in a fountain, and cross my stiff, frozen fingers.
I’m a fool. It’s next to impossible. If I could, I would tell you the odds. All I know, though, is that they are definitely against us.
The footsteps grow louder, more defined, sharper. I strain my eyes to see, and the hallway seems to stretch before me, long and cold, shadowed and sinister. I have my hopes up, but they quickly fall as I see an unfamiliar figure, too tall and bulky, dart around a corner. My anticipation fades to fear, and I lean against the wall, forcing calmness on my tensed nerves and freezing limbs.
It will be a long wait.

Answer 1

Honesty is always the best policy.
I always found that the people that help you the most with your writing are the ones that will chew it up mercilessly. People writing and standing in admiration saying that's just great may flatter your ego, but they won't help you develop as an artist.
First of all, let me say what I like about it. (It's always nice to get the flowers before the pot comes flying at your head). You're very good at setting moods. Especially, at the begining, I found it to be believable. You have a good semantic grasp of expressions for darkness, chaos, doubt, etc... There's an almost dream-like state of primeval fear which can be felt. I really liked that part.
However, even in this short extract, I can see you don't have a clear idea where this story is going. In the first part, it sounds almost like your character is gripping with a struggle with supernatural forces. In the middle, where your character looks out the window, it sounds more like it has something to do with personal psychological trauma, something very mundane, betraying the strength of the conflict as expressed in the first part. Finally, the last part, waiting for him, regretting him, etc..., makes it sound like a simple love and loss story. I have a feeling you have many stories trying to get out and expressing themselves all at once here. You're going to have to sort that out eventually.
Some metaphors don't work that well either. You describe a dark corridor. Then the main character looks outside and sees the sky, and the earth, the tree, etc... Yet it's light out and there's a window? How could it be dark inside? Perhaps you meant this as a metaphor. The character feels dark inside while outside, all is strangely sunny. If that's the case, I do get it, but you don't insist on it enough for it to work.
Your description are good. I like the way you reach for vivid images. It shows you're not afraid to push the envelope on your reader. You will need to hammer out the vocabulary for the precise images you're looking for. Read your words. Close your eyes. Do you see the image you're trying to project using nothing but those words? If not, chances are your reader doesn't either.
Anyway, I don't mean to chop you down. I like the feel of what you write. It's interesting stuff. I'm just being critical because you're asking and I don't think you do writers any favors by being soft on them. Whatever you do, keep writing. You definitely have a lot of talent.
I have been writing ever since high school myself and a decade and a half later, I'm still trying to get it right. I'm working on the fourth draft of a novel as we speak. I'm glad to say I had encouraging words from editors, but I still have to work it.
That's the secret, by the way, tireless work, and don't be afraid of criticism.
Best of luck to you.

Answer 2

You're off to a good start with a catchy opening line. In last April's issue of the Writer's Digest an article mentions the use or over-use of certain words called Intruders. They are: "noticed, remember, I saw, he could smell, I could see, I could hear," and more.

Substitute those phrases having these intruder words whenever you can. An example from your preface:

". . . as I see an unfamiliar figure, too tall and bulky, . . ." could read as this:

"My hopes were dashed as an unfamiliar figure, too tall and bulky, darted around a corner."

Please continue your writing as I see great potential in your creativity. But I suggest you find an on-line writing forum or group to exchange your stories for editing and critique. Such exchanges can better be made via e-mails rather than on a forum such as Yahoo! Answers.

What's more, you'll receive quality editing at no charge that will help improve your stories. One forum you might consider is
Writing_fiction@yahoogroups dot com. It is headed by Dr. Kelly Roberts, of Roberts Publishing in California. You can log in, and once accepted, find a critique buddy to work with you and in return, help your writing friend too.

Added note: Your manuscript is automatically copyrighted once it is printed in a tangible form. The archaic, and often ill-advised method, of mailing yourself a copy and keeping it sealed is unnecessary. If you must register for copyright, log on to www.copyright.gov/.

Answer 3

Rebel14: That is very, very good. Wow. That's usually how I write too... I love describing things. This is beautiful piece of writing... thanks for sharing it. I felt like I was a part of it, in fact as if I'm the person feeling all these emotions.... I was so attached I burnt my food. Kidding. :)

However, thanks. And stay safe. - Maryam

Answer 4

Sorry, but that sounds like you are using too much sensationalistic writing. Just tell it like it is, it sounds too artificial. It's a good start, though. Keep trying!

P.S. What's it about?

Answer 5

that's awesome but quickly get it copyrighted there are song freaks out there that can steal it very easily if you just post it online!

Answer 6

Dont ever stop writing... you have a gift.

Answer 7

wow, thats really good and has good details

Answer 8

boring, oh sorry did you type something , zzzzzzzzzzzzzz