Accidentally embarrassed 'vegetarian' neightbour?

Question

When my University housemates first found out that I was a vegetarian the first thing they asked me was if I ate fish (I've lost count of the number of times I've been asked that question).
When I explained no, vegetarians eat neither meat or fish, they maintained that some of them do to which I then replied that in that case, regardless of what they called themselves, they weren't really vegetarians.
At that point there was a really awkward silence and sudden shift in conversation. I then found out later that one of our neighbours who was round our house at the time, considered herself vegetarian but still ate fish.
I feel really awful about the whole thing because she now tends to try to avoid me and I really want to makeup (even though we didn't technically fall out) but don't really know what to say. Any advice?

Groves,
Are you entirely sure that you've answered the right question?!

Thanks for all the suggestions everyone!

Answer 1

Well I wouldn't make any special efforts - just continue to be pleasant. If she wants to take offence that's up to her - what you said is totally correct!
The fact that a fish is not a vegetable is not a 'matter of opinion'.

Answer 2

I don't know if it's been said, too many answers to read! I really wouldn't worry too much about it. Your answer was right, completely. Some people get defensive, and say that they are vegetarians when they still eat fish, but in fact, are not. There are no acceptions to it.
If you're feeling that badly about it, than I would just talk to her, flat out. Say that you feel you got off to the wrong start, and it's a difference in opinion, but it isn't as if you were solely arguing her personally.
And, if all of your housemates pushed the subject without telling you whether or not someone else in the house was a vegetarian, which was rude in itself. They could have said "Well -insert non-vegetarian here- eats fish, and she feels she is still a vegetarian."
Honestly, if she falsley calls herself a vegetarian, why would you go any further in making things alright with her? She's a fake vegetarian, so maybe she's a fake person? If some people are stubborn and get offended THAT easily, they are not worth any extra effort.

I don't mean to offend anyone in this board. Please, do not feel I have offended your lifestyle if you consider yourself a vegetarian, and you consume fish. To each his own, but I just couldn't see how THAT is a vegetarian.

Answer 3

If I ate fish but not other animals I would say I only eat fish. I wouldn't say I was vegetarian. This is a lot clearer.

I understand what you mean though. I started a conversion saying something like "vegetarians don't eat fish" since I was told the person I was talking to was vegetarian. Not sure why I said that, but later found out this person ate fish. I felt kind of odd, but it wasn't really brought up again.

Just say you're sorry about making the person uncomfortable. This doesn't mean you are apologizing for what you said, just the situation being uncomfortable for the other person.

Answer 4

Historically speaking, in two very important works, fish has not been classified as a meat. Christianity, due to the Bible, is having difficulty redefining fish as a meat. The Kashrut, the Hebrew kosher laws, also consider fish as something other than meat.
Because cultures have long since held these to be the last statement in any argument, many people have a difficult time questioning what is said in them.
I suggest some understanding in their views, because they are going on what they are taught and therefore believe. I then suggest leading by example.

I suggest you ask if she would like to join you for a vegetarian meal, she would probably avoid fish, knowing what you think of it. And, over dinner or lunch find out what interests you share. If it is worth pursuing a friendship will grow, and you will be able to accept her views, or she will accept yours.

BTW - vegetarian, no fish for 17 years.

Answer 5

If it was me, I'd just say to myself, "Oh well," and that's that. I cannot be responsible for other people's embarrassment. I don't get embarrassed about anything -- I have no shame. I tell others that I'm vegan because that is what best describes me to the lay person. But, I do have a pair of shoes made of leather, a leather belt, and there's the glue I use to glue things (who knows what's in that) and I eat honey from time to time, but I score a 99.9% I think it's pretty much impossible to avoid all animal products as so many are hidden, but hey, if I was 99.9% vegetarian and still ate fish once in awhile, then I'd still call myself vegetarian to the lay masses. If some neighbour said I was not a 'real' vegan or vegetarian... oh well, who cares, I can speak up and say, "Yes I agree, and neither are you."

It's an impossible task anyway. Think of those Buddhist monks who try very hard to live up to their principles as an example to others and are out there in the garden making certain that they do not chop up worms when using their shovels... wafting their brooms to blow away ants as they walk, hey, ants get killed under my feet all the time and I never notice... "Oh, well." I won't go out of my way to step on bugs, but I'll kill that damned mosquito who's sucking my blood and going to make me itch for a damned week -- where do we draw the line? I try not to draw lines as they quickly fade and get stepped on no matter where I draw them.

Your neighbour just needs to learn a few life lessons in dealing with such situations and and stop being so juvenile. Just go right up to your neighbour instead of tip-toeing around the subject, and spit it out. That's what men do, try it. Usually goes like this, "Hey man, sorry about that time I said something bad about non-vegetarians saying they are vegetarian when they are not. It's just my meaningless opinion, I hope you didn't take it personally? No? Cool." The end.

Answer 6

Oh gosh, the same thing happened to me, but with a professor.
:)
Students of this lady asked if I ate fish when they discovered during lunch that I was a vegetarian. When I said vegetarians do not eat animals, they informed me that the teacher was veg and she at fish.

Not only did I have to deal with being looked at like a j@ck@$$ by students for politely explaining that a fish is an animal, but figuring those students would tell her, I started to feel guilty.

Then I dusted myself off, because vegetarians do not eat animals, and I do get upset every time someone tells me they have a friend besmirching the good name of vegetarianism... even if it is a professor whom I otherwise completely adore.
:)

So you talk to the person, be polite, and don't mention the topic. If she wants to, she will. Otherwise you will just be looked at like a rabid vegetarian... because it is ok when you correct anyone else on any other definition or misuse of a word on Earth, but Goodness forbid you correct their misuse of the definition of "vegetarian!"

But there are two kinds of "vegetarians" who eat fish: the ones who honestly don't know any better and the ones who do know better but insist on it anyway because it is "easier."
This is why it is always best to start out very polite. She honestly could very much believe in vegetarianism, and you may have planted a new seed in her way of thinking. So say "Hi" and smile when you see her. Ask her how she is doing. Don't go crazy about it, but make it know that you don't shun her.
:)

I will never get why some people try so hard to have a label include them when they are by very definition not that thing (and they know it.) I could walk around telling everyone I was an African American, but considering I am not of African descent, I think people would correct me.
:)
EDIT- Though I do think it would be funny if they did correct me and my reply was "Well, it depends on your *reason* for being African American. I'm African American because I really like wearing kente strips."
:D

Answer 7

She is the one who should be embarrassed. You have stated perfectly correctly that vegetarians do not eat fish. She should be apologising to you (and all the other proper committed vegetarians) that she has been misleading people by stating that she is veggie! It may seem like a little thing to some people, but to us veggies it's a big deal!
My only advice would be to seek her out and say that whilst you were not seeking to embarrass her (especially since you didn't at that point know her dietary choices), you did have a serious point to make. It is entirely the "fault" of people like her that the rest of us are offered/served fish in the mistaken belief that somehow it is not an animal!
Stand your ground. You didn't mean to upset her and you should not be apologising. She should see your point of view.

Answer 8

Vegetarianism has become much like Christianity, many different denominations with slightly different beliefs, but the same basic premise.

Most vegetarians choose to give up meat, they're not forced to for some reason. Usually it's a moral stand point, they don't think animals should die for food. But it's hard for people to feel an affinity to fish, so they make an exception. Same with those that eat dairy and eggs, the animal doesn't die, so it's okay.

I think you need to ease up a bit on the "No true Vegetarian eats fish" dogma, and realize that not everyone shares your convictions in their entirety.

Answer 9

Hi,

I put my foot in this one sometimes, and thats with paying guests at our vegetarian guest house ! So you can imagine how i feel sometimes.

But, at the end of the day, they are wrong. The definition of words and beliefs is set by modorated panel of scholors and experts. It is not up to the rest of us to change the definitions as we see fit. Where would we be if we all made up our own definitions of words ?? It would be chaos.

A vegetarian is someone who does not eat meat, fish, poultry or slaughter by-products.

I've lost count how many times i've mentioned that in this forum.

In the grand scheme of things, if someone falls out with you over this they are hardly real genuine friends. Just ignore it, be natural, but stand by your convictions if challanged.

If challanged, just say "you follow the proper definition of the belief". Thats not personal, and its not telling them they are wrong, you are just saying you are right. If they choose to be wrong i'd just leave them to it, life is too short.

Alternatively get loads of vegetarian society leaflets and stick them to her door ;-)

"only my opinion" exhibits the type of attitude that causes so much confusion. They cannot be bothered to explain thier diet to people so mis-use the word vegetarian. Just because you cannot describe youself to other is no reason to cause so much confusion for the vegetarian belief and movement.

There is no such thing as a "hard core" vegetarian. You are either vegetarian, or not.

Goodness its so simple, why on earth try to complicate things.

Answer 10

what a tricky situation...!some people heartily eat fish and stiil call themselves vegetarian while there are vegans who scorn vegetarians for eating milk products...!
well u neednt worry.u didnt do it purposefully.and iam glad that neighbour knoes now which category she belongs too.
if u can do this it would be fine.go up straight to her and say
"there is something i want to say to you.i feel bad my reply may have embarrassed u.idoesnt matter to me whether u eat fish or not but it does matter a lot that i have caused u pain.pl forgive me"
then everything will be right.

Answer 11

well, technically speaking, u are totally right ! fish are not vegetables, therefore she is not a vegetarian ! next time u see her, say that u did not mean to embarrass her, and that u didn't know that she didn't eat meat. mention that it was pretty embarrassing for both of u, and that u would like to put the whole incident behind u and remain friends... although i suspect that there will always be a slight awkwardness between the both of u....