Explain this to me please! How is not wanting your 5 y/o daughter to take down her hair down bad parenting?

Question

I asked this question a week ago and just checked it now. It's 'resolved' now but I was amazed at the answers! I mean I don't see anything wrong with me (the mother) wanting my daughter to go to school or just out in public and look well groomed... I understand that at the age of 5...children's personalities rapidly expand and they want to do it THIS way have it THAT way. But I think boundaries, rules...are structural. One answerer said I 'probably scream' at my daughter when she takes her hair down...way out in left field, but okay. And if it 'hurts her' to have her hair up...my daughter is capable of telling me this. I just don't want my daughter walking around with unbrushed-looking hair. Because like it or not...some girls/women's hair can't be left down for more than 30 minutes with it looking a mess! And my daughter can't brush her hair at school or even correctly for that matter. I don't see anything wrong with a mom not wanting her daughter to take her hair down. Advice?

*Laughs*

Thank you all for answering my question and not lecturing me! I guess that is all I wanted LOL. Suggestions that is. And reassurance...that I'm not the only mom who's young daughter won't keep her hair up how I want her to!

One person put 'choose your battles'. I agree with this but I think when I tell my children not to do something...it becomes more than just me choosing to stress out about. You know...she'll catch on...hey if I just keep doing it how I want...I'll get lectured a couple of times but after a few times...I can do it all the time...she'll just give up!


I guess that is what this all boils down too. My daughter is dificult in many disiplinary areas and I just sense this is her pushing my buttons.

I think I will try the "how do you want your hair today?" and make a big deal out of her hair being so beautiful when she leaves off to school.

I just totally disagree with the 'let her wear her hair down whenever she wants'. It all boils down to...I don't want my daughter looking ungroomed. I take pride in that I guess. One answerer said that 'who cares if her hair is a mess, she is five' and my opinion of that whole outlook is laziness. Again, call me judgemental but if I see a kid walking around in rediculously stupid clothing (because the PARENT lets them 'express themselves') and wild hair--I shake my head. To me, I think it's our responsibilty to set the standards and make sure our kids are clean & well groomed.

Thanks for your suggestions!
I really appreciate them.
Well, most of them :)

Answer 1

I read your question before (but didn't answer) and I agree that some of the answers were out of line.

BUT you do need to realize that while you can tell your daughter that you want her to keep her hair up all day, that doesn't mean it is always going to happen. You would be doing both of you a favor to just accept that. The school day is long, especially at 5 years old there is a lot of playing, running, and interacting going on. There is a possibility that her hair falls out of whatever you put it in, or that Tommy pulled on her pretty bow, or that it got caught on a tree branch, or that Sally had pretty hair that was down and she wanted to look like her, or that it hurt her head, or that she just prefers to wear her hair down and any of these things could happen on any given day. Let her be 5. I'll bet that none of her classmates have perfectly groomed hair by the end of the day either.

All you can do is tell her that you put a lot of work into making her hair look nice in the morning and that you would like her to try to keep it that way, this really isn't something that you should make a huge issue about. If when you are with her (out and about on the weekend etc) you see her starting to take her hair out, gently remind her and maybe then she will remember but really in the grand scheme of things, this shouldn't be top priority.

Answer 2

I'm the same with my daughter who is just about to turn 7.
We've finally come to an understanding. On special occasions I do her hair up and she leaves it alone. On school days she chooses how she wants her hair done and thats how I do it. It has made our mornings much easier and less stressful.
Sure somedays she comes home from school and her hairs everywhere, but she is a child and will do what makes her comfy inc taking her hair out. But a least she leaves in the morning all neat and presentable!

I suggest that you make sure she knows on special occasions that her hair does need to be up and done properly so she looks nice and neat and beautiful. Maybe some special clips or elastics etc will help.
Dont go on about it to much otherwise she'll just dig her heels in like my daughter and drive you crazy.
And try and find a middle ground, try a few different hairstyles let her look in the mirror. That way she will have a few styles to choose from and know what they look like and how they feel.

Answer 3

There is such a thing as taking it too far, not that I'm saying this is what you do, but children should be allowed to be children. They do not need to be totally neat and perfect at all times and 5 year old children do not always communicate with parents efficiently. Your daughter may not like her hair up, it can be uncomfortable, she may be a tomboy, the other children may wear their hair differently, or it may hurt her head (mine does if it is too long or tight - even as a child). This may also be one of the only things your daughter feels she has control over, so this is where she is choosing to take a stand. And let's face it, in the long scheme of things, how big of a battle is it, really? Would it really hurt for her to take control over this issue? Would you like it if someone told you that you ALWAYS had to wear your hair up? Probably not, you'd be mad, too. This is also a good way for you to let your daughter take some steps towards making responsible decisions.

Sit your daughter down and teach her to take care of her hair. Experiment with different hairstyles including headbands, lower ponytails, scarves, barrettes, and haircuts. Encourage her to brush her hair several times a day (but don't hound her) to encourage hygiene and responsibility.

Believe me, I feel for you. I have two daughters (9 and 7) who have the same issues. One of them has hair so fine that it is tangled and messy after sitting on the couch or riding in the car from rubbing on the back of a seat. She now has a shorter haircut that is easier to care for.

Good Luck!

Answer 4

I was raised up exactly how you are trying to raise your daughter, and it is the same way I do it with every little girl. I agree a little girl needs to look well groomed, and am the only one in my group of friends to get the 1 year old to keep her hair in without being mean. my friends daughter who is 3 I get her hair done every day both during the day and for bed. She wants long hair, so I tell her, when we put your hair in braids for bed, it doesn't tangle up so it's easier to brush in the morning and the pull on the hair will help it to grow long and pretty. As for doing her daytime hair I tell her we need to get it done cause when your hairs all up and brushed it looks really pretty, if you leave it down you look like a raga muffin, someone might think I'm not taking good care of you. She smalies and says ok and she will leave it alone, but she knows if she takes it out I get "dissapointed" with her, and don't want to "help" her get her hair pretty if she doesn't want to help me by leaving it in. it's been a very calm and gentle approach that seems to work very well, and threatening to not do her hair seems to work because thats our "girl" time, and she loves that bonding experience. Hope it helps a little, Good Luck.

Answer 5

I answered your question last post. Like I said then, I had the same problem. Now she is 7, and clearly understands what it is to be neat and tiddy.. on her own. She will out grow it. Maybe be is pushing your buttons, but what if she is being her own person? Let her be, she is a reflextion of you. But I bet she looks just as pretty w/ hair up or down. Girls are tamed proper girls, or wild flowers. Either way they are young once.. let her enjoy her child hood, later she will need to abide by all the rules of society, work place.. ect. For now 5, is a memory she will have of her hair in the wind and mom being totally ok w/ her expressing herself!

Answer 6

it is possibly bothering her. If it gets itchy or sweaty or pinches by some skill, or if it gets twisted up at naptime, it is possibly whilst it comes down. I used to coach pre-ok, and that i observed this plenty. One candy little lady used to take her barettes out and chew on them. supply her some possession interior the coiffure in case you in all probability can. circulate to the stylist jointly, and make a great deal out of letting her help come to a call with regard to the decrease, form, and so on. in all fairness. enable her help choose for hair upload-ons (supply her 2-3 lifelike selections which you will stay with) Then, possibly connect her coming homestead together with her hair nevertheless fixed/quite to a minimum of something she might choose for to do after college--a particular take care of, pastime or tale time with mom, and so on. (does not must be costly, only specific) possibly it must be a penny in a jar daily it happens until eventually a particular quantity is saved in direction of something specific she needs? by some skill you should internalize this so as that it is something she needs too, fairly than a power-war.. you know her, so which you'll have the skill to return up with an incentive. Bribery, some could say! possibly, yet whilst it works??

Answer 7

At 5, your daughter is becoming her own person, and she should have a say in how her hair looks. If you can't stand the long, un-brushed look, see if she'd like a cute, short haircut. I think you're setting yourself up for a lot of mother-daughter angst by trying to control this.

Answer 8

I agree with above...alot of parents take parenting as a way to control. It may not be intentional but when my daughter is 5 I wont really care how she wears her hair, as long as it doesnt look like she just got up in the morning and stuck her finger in the outlet then she can do whatever she wants. Heck if she wants short spiky hair like me or long hair I will let her. Choose your battles, if you cant do that now, you are just going to create more for yourself in the future.

Answer 9

My daughter used to take her out last year when she was at Kindergarten. She said it hurt her at rest time so I started braiding it so there would be no hair bands to hurt her near her head. Well, she still took it out - she just likes wearing her hair down.
This year she started school. I told her it was school rules to wear her hair up and that she would get in trouble if she took it out - it mostly works. Once or twice she has come home with no hairbands in but she had to learn to follow the rules

Answer 10

I think it's a silly thing to get so caught up over. It's just hair. I have really thick curly hair so my mom would spend every morning pulling my hair into a pony tail or trying to groom it so it didn't look like a crows nest. Meanwhile all I did was play sports and climb trees so it never stuck.
I hated having to get my hair done so when I was 6 I cut it all off. After the crying stopped my mom learned to accept it, because it worked out. Never had to waste time in the mornings fooling with my hair and I could play all my sports and not look like I stuck my finger in a socket.