Adoptees who don't want to find birth parents?

Question

I'm an adopted child, and having met a few others in my life, am struck by the fact that feel like I'm in the minority because I'm not going to look for my birth parents.

I just feel like my adopted parents ARE my parents; they took care of me when I was sick, shouted at me when I let my schoolwork slip, and cried at my wedding. It wasn't all easy by a long shot (in fact, when I was a teenager we had some downright awful times) but they were always my parents. Who else could I call Mom and Dad?

Also, who knows where my birth mother is? I wish her all the best, but if she's got her life together, does she need me to shift her balance? It just seems too complicated for everyone involved.

Like I said, though, I know I'm in the minority. Are there any other adoptees out there who are not planning to find their birth parents? Why or why not?

Hi Timdel...I understand why the open/closed record debate is something that most people want to discuss. But my question is deliberately not about that, because I feel it distracts from the question about personal intentions.

Oops, submitted before adding one more thing:

That doesn't mean that the subject has no relevance...I'm sure the access question has a lot of impact on whether someone even wants to undertake what could be an agonizing process! I just wanted to find about about people's personal feelings and experiences.

TheFoxxWW2, good question. At first I thought that I might not want to see my birth mother if she contacted me, because I don't know if I can deal with another family dynamic at this point.

But after thinking it through, I probably would. It's natural for adoptees to wonder, and to search; people expect us to do so. But I think it must take a birth mother a lot more soul-searching and courage to start the process first...they're taking a huge emotional risk. What if the adoptee is angry? Based on some of the answers, there's good and valid reasons for some people not wanting to see their birth mother again.

However, in my case, it wouldn't be fair to leave her twisting in the wind. Especially after what she's done for me.

Answer 1

I never made a conscious decision to search, I was mucking around on the internet and came across an adoption search registry. I put in my birth date and there she was, looking for me. I'm glad I found her but I am not really sure if I would ever have made the choice to search her out. I was far too wrapped up in my own life at that time. Maybe later down the road I would have.

My brother has NO desire to search. The small amount of info we have on his n-mom has scared him off the idea. We do know that he was born FAS and addicted to god knows what. He feels it is better to let sleeping dogs lie than to have to face what could very well be a harsh reality.

Every situation and every adoptee is different. To each their own. I commend you for being so secure in your adoption. Many of us just don't fare that well. Your parents must have done their job well to have raised someone so secure, so sure of their ties to their family. On this part I applaud your parents as well.

Answer 2

I'm an adult adoptee who chose to find my birthmother and I'm glad I did.

I have a friend who is also an adult adoptee and she never had the desire to find her birth parents. She said she felt as you do that she had a good set of parents and didnt need any others.

She said that if her birth mother ever looked her up she might meet her once just to show her birth mother that she had a good life and was ok, but that she would not want a relationship with her.

I think that to search or not to search is a very personal decision that each adoptee has to make for themselves. Neither is right or wrong, it is simply a matter of personal choice.

Answer 3

I'm not going to look. I'd probably have to go back to look for them. Why would I want to leave the U.S. to live in a poor country. You're right, if my birth parents have their lives together, why mess with something that's not broken. I never knew them so how can I miss them. I do wonder some times. Do I have any biological siblings? What if my birth parents were a king and queen? Do they miss me at all? Are they even alive? But I love the parents I'm with and they love me. Though it would be cool if I happened to bump into some one who looked like me with the same birth marks and stuff and they turn out to be biological family. Or I wouldn't be at all unhappy if my birth parents found me. But I'm not going searching my self.

Answer 4

for a very long time i to thought nope i wouldn't want to know who they are or anything they gave me up and that was that. well the anger part of it is gone. well this is crazy maybe but the medical part is very true and it can be passed on down to you and its good to see what they look like if there are any sisters or borthers. i mean its just curiosty you do not have to call them mom or dad there is no feeings there and they also know it. they understand it you are not hurting your adoptive parents by just checking this out. its only for curiosty and then you are done. wouldn't you like to see if you have brothers or sisters. that is what is great. you would be fine also. i mean i did. i did get a chance to talk to bio dad. there is nothing there and its a weird feeling. now some can go throug life and not find out but its only in a life time you can do this and they are gone. i mean its not much to do but that is why idid it. take care.

Answer 5

I have no desire to find my birth mother. I subscribe to the theory that she has her own life now as I have mine. I would not want to disturb her life, just as I would not want her to disturb mine. I have parents, cousins, aunts and uncles. My children have family including wonderful grandparents that believe they walk on water. Why complicate things?
What if she is married now and her husband doesn't know about me? What if something horrible happened to her involving my conception (rape, abuse) and she took the courageous step of going through the pregnancy and placing me up for adoption only for me to track her down and open old wounds? I was placed through a private adoption in 1978 and all I and my adoptive parents know is that my birth mother was a college student (doesn't really narrow it down). I figure she picked my parents for a reason and I am more than happy to agree with her judgement. We didn't always have much but my parents love me, not that we don't have our issues but who doesn't? I have no friends that are adopted and comparitively my relationship with my parents is just as good if not better than theirs.
You hear plenty in this forum about people who find their birth moms and everything is great. The mom says she has been traumatized because her baby was taken from her and she wasn't given an option...but why don't we hear more about people who don't have such a happy ending? I mean it can't all be happily ever after

Answer 6

I am an adult adoptee and knew my birth mother. She was a lunatic who abused the hell out of me. I want nothing to do with her.

I have friends who are adopted. I'd say it's a 50/50 split as to those who sought out their first family vs. those who didn't.

This is a very personal decision. There is no right or wrong with regard to your question - it's about what you are comfortable with.

I have a question for you - would you be open to contact if she sought you out?

Answer 7

Yep I feel the same way I have never had a desire to find my genetic parents. I’m fairly content with being adopted. I love my family and see no reason to search for one just because they are genetically related to me. That is not to say that I don’t realize some adoptees search for their biological parents just for answers, that the mom and dad who raised them will always be just that mom and dad. Sure I sometimes have question but its not to the point that I feel lost or that not knowing will make me grief. I do know a small bit about birthmother, even have her name in my adoption file. Except for not knowing exactly what heritage I am: going beyond African and European[ I’ll find those out eventually through an ancestry dna test.] and full medical history I know exactly who I am.

I do agree its everyone choose to search or not search. No one should feel that they have to search or be pressured into it.

Answer 8

I also have no desire to find my birth parents. I was adopted out of foster care when I was 2 and put in foster care when i was 4 months old because of neglect. I am very lucky and very grateful to have the family that I have now. I do, however, sometimes wonder if I have any biological brothers or sisters, but I don't care enough to go looking for them. If they found me that might be kind of cool, but the desire from me to find them in pretty much nonexistent. You're not alone. If my biological mother contacted me I would not talk to her. It's too late.

Answer 9

There is nothing wrong with you. Though i will encourage you to ignore certain posts! Like noodlesmycat-she thinks that i'm anti-adoption because i'm for open records. She made me feel like a piece of crap. I personally was curious about my birth mother. I wanted some answers to questions. Just because i found her in no way means i love my adoptive parents any less. I have always considered them my real parents. I'm very protective over my parents. I just was wondereing what lead her to give me up. I was taken aback with the answers, but it has helped me in healing process. This is your choice and your choice alone. You can look for your birth mother anytime you feel ready and if you never do. Then there is nothing wrong with you, because it's your life. Don't let some one make you feel less of person because of this and please don't be like noodlesmycat and look down on me because i was curious about my birth mother. I'm not anti-adoption!!!

noodlesmycat: Your posts come across strong to any one who says they wish that their birth mother raised them. In some cases they are saying this because the adoptive parents are abusive(i'm not saying all adoptive parents are bad!!). It's only natural sometimes for us to say that. It's no reflection on you as an adoptive parent. I'm just upset that you lump all us together that feel there should be a reform in the adoption process, so that everyone can have a successful adoption as you did with your childern.

Answer 10

When I was younger I thought everyone should find their parents, just so they know where they come from, now that I am older, I am more cautious and realize how it is something very personal and no one should push an adoptee into searching.

You should honor your feelings whatever they are, you are the one who will have to deal with the fall out after all.