When is it appropriate to start talking to our pre teen about the birds and the bees?

Question

Our oldest daughter is 12, going to be 13 next May. I am her stepmother and very proud of her so far. Sort of to get ahead of the game. My husband and I both know it is coming to a point where boys will no longer be the carriers of cooties. Being from the city I of course had more opportunities for finding out about such things and he being from the country and less opportunity for much other than work and school.

What of our lives and struggles should we share or not share?

How to get started?

How to not scare her?

It's sad, but we are finding it difficult to remember even having these discussions with our parents 20 years ago. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

She has not started any cycles and we've already had that discussion and she understands what the changes are and why they are occuring.

Answer 1

Start the conversation simply. Tell her that there's no pressure, but if she would like to talk about boys or anything like that, you are there to listen.

And here's the important thing: listen.

I know it seems like common sense, but it's the number one mistake parents make. If you tell her she can talk to you, she might. She might say something you weren't expecting. She might know more than you think. And if she does, your first reaction may be horror, dissapointment, or anger. But I'll tell you: if you do that, the conversation is over.

Be open to what she has to say. Don't be afraid of her questions. Don't avoid. She may not know some very personal stuff. But it's better for you to tell her, so she knows the truth. Don't worry about over-informing her or her "knowing too much". It's either you tell her everything she needs, or some boy tells her what she wants to hear.

But, like I said, the number one thing is: listen. And accept. No matter what.

Answer 2

She'll probably be getting "the talk" soon, if she hasn't already. Is Mom in the picture? If so, you might want to let her do it. It's a very personal thing, and something that should be left for the most part between the mother and daughter. You could broach the subject with Mom by mentioning that she's getting to the age where most girls start becoming interested in the birds and bees, and asking her what she wants/doesn't want you to tell her daughter in the event that she comes to you for information.
And not to scare you, but chances are, the cooties are long gone - even if your stepdaughter claims she doesn't like boys, she probably does already. My niece is 12, and just a few months ago was an adorable little tomboy who was only interested in playing baseball with boys. Then, it seems like she grew up overnight - she became much more feminine, and started mentioning that she thinks certain boys are cute. It really can be scary as an adult to see your "baby" growing up!

Answer 3

Well you need to get on with it. Has she started her cycle yet? She will soon so you must start there. I know some people who's parents didn't tell them anything and they thought they were dieing. That can be frightening for someone who doesn't know what to expect. She may already know however it is defiantly time to have the "talk". Just be open and honest and tell her everything you can think of and ask her what questions she may have. And don't be embarrassed when telling her, she'll be able to tell and then not want to talk about it with you. You will know what to say when you start telling her about her own body and what to expect, then go into birth and that process if you act like it's just a matter of life if you are in the country she has seen the animals mating so she has an idea. Follow her lead once you get started.

Answer 4

I'd say now is a good time. If she's almost 13 puberties coming or has already started and it'll be better to talk now than have problems later.

Sex for some reason people are almost ashamed of.... I don't understand it, it's everywhere it's insinuated on every tv show every newspaper ad by every human being on the planet yet somehow we manage to think that it's a secret to a 12 year old... It's not, what is a secret to her however is how to handle what's about to happen responsibly.

In Europe they start teaching kids about sex in elementary school.

Answer 5

I would say, these days, you need to give the talk by 12, 13 at the latest!! My parents waited to tell me, but I found out from a friend, because her parents told her older sister. I didn't believe any of it; I wish I would have heard it from my mom first. I would just share things like, you always wish you would have saved everything for "the one." Tell her you need to have a serious talk, and she might have an idea. I would get a book. The book "The ABC's of the Birds and Bees" is good. I would go over some of the stuff in the book together. Good luck!

Answer 6

Wow! 12 is a little old to just now starting this conversation! Has she started her period yet? She might need to get a heads up about that! (my friend's daughter just got her first period and she's only 11!)

I was 10 when I got "the talk," but I already knew about sex cause of my friends older siblings filling us in on all the details!!

You could always get her a book about it written for her age level. They have some good ones at B&N or Borders or amazon.com.

I would answer any of her questions as honestly as possible. Let her know her feelings are normal. Good luck!

Answer 7

I honestly don't think I've ever had a conversation like this with my parents (I'm 19). I think a lot of what I learned was from my teachers and my peers. Is she going to a school where sex education is promoted? If not then I suggest maybe explaining basics first and go into more detail as she gets older. For example, my younger stepsister got told that condoms stop sperm from forming all together my my idiot stepbrother's girlfriend (who just had a baby and obviously doesn't know). So, I think it's a bit too early to talk to her about the serious stuff but explain to her how her body works first.

Answer 8

Talk to her before her friends get a chance to. Misinformation can result in a whole lot of stuff that you don't want to happen...so sit her down and have a frank discussion with her. Find out what she already knows, and go from there. You don't have to be explicit, but you should definitely do it sooner rather than later.
My neighbors' daughter who is 15, is pregnant....she says her parents never had "the talk" with her.:(

Answer 9

You’d better have that conversation soon. Don’t rely on school.
I once dated a woman who went on birth control at 13 so that she could have sex with her black 19 yr old boyfriend.
Sexual activity this young makes it difficult when a girl becomes a woman in regards to have a normal relationship.

Also girl’s body is half her size then when she becomes an adult. If a girl has sex that young it affects her body parts to adapt and become larger. Then when she becomes a woman it is too large for most men, again making it hard to develop a normal relationship.

Answer 10

As soon as possible, you want to be sure that you talk with them about it before they learn anything from school. It is amazing what these kids learn today. However, it might be a good idea to start off by asking them what do they know about the birds and the bees and see what their response is. I would then go from there, I just really feel that it's important to talk with our children soon enough and long enough to educate them so that they are not misinformed and know all the do's and don'ts. Children are going to do what they want to do regardless so lets instill them with the knowledge they need.