Why do grandparents favor one son and his children so much and the other son and children are ignored?

Question

My husband and I have been married for over 20 years. We have 2 teenage children. His only sibling, a brother is on his second marraige with 5 children, 3 of them teenagers, all of whom I love. The problem is my mother-in-law(mil). She has, since day 1, favored my brother-in-law (bil). We all live in the same town. For the past 10 plus years she has bil and his family over to dinner at least once a week if not more. We are never invited. When confronted with all the favortism years ago, (in a gentle manner) she pretty much denied it. Things were better for a year or two then she slipped back into her old ways. She attends all my nieces and nephews sporting events and never attends my own childrens. My husband doesn't like to talk about it, although he agrees I know it is very hurtful to him. She always buys the other kids things, spends time with them, etc. but not with us. We never had a disagreement, my kids and my family are very nice well-rounded people. Why?

My mil is actually closer to me than my sister-in-law. She often uses me as a sounding board to complain about her. I don't let her suck me in though. She used to do this with the first sister in law, of whom I was very close with. Then the complaining would go both ways (Mil would complain to me about sil and then complain to sil about me) Bil and mil are a lot closer in personality than her and my husband. It's an odd, almost too close mother/son relationship. He tells her all of his marital problems. Where my husband is more like his father. Bil is not afraid to ask for everything, money, etc. whereas my husband doesn't want to take advantage of his parents, bil always does, and they allow it. It bothers me that her favortism filters down to the grandkids. She often lies and than tries to cover up her lies. Most of the time it's not worth calling her on her lies. It just is unfathomable to me that a parent can have such blatant favortism toward one child and his family

Answer 1

Was your husband second born? Sometimes parents favor the first born.
It was like that in my dad's family. The first born was a girl (they had another girl, but she died when she was 3, so she's the sole surviving girl, my dad has 2 brothers, one is not married and has no children) so my aunt got everything, and her kids got everything. I was in the car one day with my grandmother and my mom, and my grandma was upset and said "Why do all my grandchildren live so far away?" I live 20 minutes from my grandmas house, as does my brother, my other sister lives 15 minutes away, and another lives 10 minutes away. My Uncle's children are scattered threw out like a 40 mile radius of her house. The only grandchildren that are out of state are my aunts children... It really made my mom mad, and in turn got my dad kinda mad at his mom, but their mom and son so he never said anything about it to her (as far as I'm aware of). I never tried to get myself close to her after that point, it was like 'why bother, she's never going to like me as much as my aunts kids'

other than my other aunt dying when she was little, I honestly don't know what made my aunt so special that she got treated differently... My mom says it was only my grandma who did that, my grandpa treated everyone the same (he died about 10 years before I was born, so I never personally knew him).

Answer 2

You cannot change her. Accept it. Grandparents often tend to favor the first grandchild to a great extent. They may have been around more when that child was a baby and bonded with it. The grandparent has different feelings about the kids. YOu cannot determine how she treats your children. It's not that big of a deal. Chill out and let it happen. Tell her thanks for flying the other son to hawaii. Give the other one special attention and gifts while the brother is in hawaii. Make it a special time for you.

Answer 3

This is very hurtful behavior and very strange too. The only thing I can come up with is that for one reason or another she feels more comfortable with your brother-in-law and his family than with yours. Did she show favoritism when the boys were growing up? Could it have something to do with you and the sister-in-law? Does she have more in common with her? Though most mothers love their children equally, as you know, there does always seem to be one that they like better. By this I mean one child that you get along with best, perhaps they think alike or like the same things. Could this be the case?
Although I have given you lots of options for why this might be happening, it sure doesn't mean that I condone it. It's really a disgrace, but she is the one that is losing out. Try not to think about it and concentrate instead on your own wonderful family... without her.

Answer 4

Might be a longshot but in my 2nd marriage my wife's kids which i'm close to they were 16 (her) 19 (Him) though her son likes sports and we hit it off well I was taken by her daughter even more. The reason I feel is I was never a Dad and i felt she needed me more then he did. The same as now she named her son after me though my step son didn't I love his kids also. Now here's the thing though my daughter and her husband are doing fine my step son is doing VERY well his kids which he has 3 have alot and my wife and I tend to have her daughter (though I love it) over the house more and i'm always buying more for my step daughters son and not because he's named after me either. Money sometimes can be that little difference in realationships hope it helped

Answer 5

I think it has to do with how comfortable the mother in law feels with the daughter in law. If she is made to feel like she can treat her grand kids like they were her own and there is no static from the daughter in law then the mother in law feels more comfortable. .

Maybe your mother in law feels that she does not have that privilege with you but does with those grand kids. Or maybe one of your kids has said something and you didn't take the time to tell your kids never to respond back to her. Many things are possible, one more possible thing is that the grand kids are more lovable toward her then your children might be?

Answer 6

I suspect that your life would be a whole lot easier if you learned that you have a family of your own . I don't think your going to change her ,and in reality the less you talk about it the better, you'll feel. have you ever invited her to your place for dinner? Do your children ever ask her to come to their events? I bet Bills probably do. Something to think about.

Answer 7

Probably because they do whatever she tells them to do and she controls them.