Unseen they Suffer, Unheard they Cry, in Agony they Linger, in Loneliness they Die.?

Question

i'm 13 and vegetarian.
i may want to be a writer.
any feedback?
these are not edited or anything.
they are just ideas...


Look into their eyes,
And tell me it’s ok.
Tell me they don’t feel pain when you beat them.
Or when you eat them.
They don’t care what they hurt,
but don’t they know? That death is forever?
Just an animal or just our friends.
food or family, it all depends...
on who you are or how you live,
the love you show or the pain you give,
go veg
for them


i have a lot more. ill post later. it wouldnt all fit

Answer 1

I'm veg too and i think your writing seems very mature for your age. i think you should pursue writing and keep spreading the message!!

Answer 2

I do agree that this poem may not need any more. Short poems can be very powerful.

I also like how you sprinkle small rhymes within, but it is not a “rhyming poem”, as in, you don’t depend on the rhymes.

On a technical level, in the beginning, people are called “you” and animals are “them.” This is switched in line 5
“Or when you eat them.
-->They don’t care what they hurt,”
Which sounds at first like the animals don’t care who they hurt. So decide if you are talking to “you” or “them.” And stick with it. There are other ways to do that as well.

Also, I love the fact that the animals are simply “them” and not animals. This allows the reader to feel your cause before making any judgments. If they knew it was about animals right away, they probably wouldn’t care because they do not care all the times they eat dead animals.

Great job on this.
I am also very fond of the philosophical thinking at the end.
Let me know if you have questions.

Answer 3

This is a great start, and I look forward to reading more of your ideas. I especially appreciate the title - so true, and you've put it so poignantly.
Both the writing quality and the thought put beyond it show you have quite a maturity about you. Some parts are a bit rough; for example, the last two lines "go veg/for them" are choppy and throw off the flow, so maybe you could rewrite that part in a more fitting style (unless you meant to throw the flow off - as the artist, you have the final say). I can't give much helpful criticism beyond that since poetry is not my forte. Having good, honest proofreaders and more years of experience will only continue to increase the quality of your writing. Don't give up on your dream to be a writer, and good luck!

Answer 4

I think it's really good! Great rhythm and a simple but very poignant message! Would love to read more; perhaps you should make a website and put some of your poems on there.

Answer 5

That's really nice :)

You mention there's more, but as a short, effective poem that really works. You should make a montage of animal cruelty clips and have the words appear over the top (or speak over the top) and post it on Yahoo or YouTube video. You could even send it to friends and get them to send it all their friends.

Spread the love :)

Answer 6

good work, i'd recommend trying to get your writing out there- send them to your school newspaper or a local magazine or poetry contest or something. it's great that you are trying to spread the message that being a vegetarian is the right thing to do. just be careful because you will be criticized by meat eaters who don't agree with you.

Answer 7

Nice

Answer 8

I think you have promise, but I think you should run it past the people in the poerty section of Arts & Humanities.

Answer 9

Gee, thanks! I commend you for figuring out that you want to be a vegetarian at 13 and I support your lifestyle. But, perhaps your poetry would be best served being sent to the FDA or your congressman or the SPCA or Vegetarian Times instead of here.

Answer 10

I agree - what a wonderful poem. Thanks for sharing!

It is inspiring that someone so young could be so insightful.